Changing and Growing

I guess that's me lately. So much change. I keep getting bigger, this little baby keeps getting bigger, and it's getting harder to deny that our family is soon going to be 4 instead of 3. Two more months - I can't wait. Does Eliot realize what's happening? Not really. Does he realize that one of the most important people in his life is about to appear? No. How special is this. That I get to be the mom to two little boys, two brothers. That I get to be part of this family, part of their lives? I know there will be some adjustment as Eliot realizes that maybe he isn't the center of the universe in our house (and oh, it's going to be a little painful), but I think it's good for him too. It's good for all of us. And how lucky is this new baby, to have an already built family. To have a big brother already there for him. I'm so nervous for them to meet each other. It just blows my mind...we made brothers. I will be there the moment they first meet and neither one will really realize what it means. I hope it's a good start. I hope they are friends for life.

I wonder sometimes if my heart really can expand to love two people the way I love Eliot. I worry about it stretching so thin that it snaps. You put these little people out into the world and it's painful in ways I couldn't imagine, but also the most joyful and wondrous thing I've ever done. Two little boys that need feeding, clothing, loving, attention....and who will be exposed to all the good and the bad the world has to offer. Wow. This motherhood thing really sneaks up on you, kind of like not being able to see the forest for the trees.

In other news I'm starting a new job next week. At 33 weeks pregnant. I figured one life change wasn't enough, I'd just start over. New house, new job, new baby. Keeping the husband though, I like that guy. I'm going to work for the government. I won't have Mondays off anymore, but I will be guaranteed to only work 40 hours a week. They're very flexible too. I think this is an awesome move for me and I can't wait to start. I just hope baby stays in for over 6 weeks so I can really get into the job...and take advantage of the great benefits.

So that's probably enough change for now, huh? Merry Christmas and all that jazz, I'll try and post some of my maternity photos up here soon.

Birthdays, Thanksgiving, Vacations, Oh My!

I went and turned a year older recently...last Sunday to be exact. It was nice. My mom cooked me brunch and invited over some family. Chris got a TV for the bedroom - which I love and fall asleep to often now. I'm sure I will love it even more on maternity leave.

The day of my actual birthday I got on a plane to Florida. We went to Disney World...again. Yes, we were just there in February! This trip was generously financed by my mother in law though, so I couldn't not go on an awesome free trip. And yes, I am 30 weeks pregnant and lugged myself and a 2.5 year old around Disney World. Oh, and, the day before we left said 2.5 year old was diagnosed with an ear infection! Nothing like an ear infection to make you want to bring your toddler on a plane ride. So here's how it went:

Sunday: Plane ride. Eliot was incredible. He couldn't wait to get on the plane, never cried or acted like his ears hurt, and basically played with toys or technology the entire time. We did buy a brand new Mater and Lightning McQueen car for him to play with that he got to open up on the plane. Strangely, we met the rest of Chris' family walking in the airport. Drove to the condo, had some dinner, and basically relaxed for the rest of the evening.

Monday: Went to Animal Kingdom. Eliot loved the rides - he went on this crazy big Triceratops ride. I had no idea he was getting so brave. We looked at some animals, tried to keep Eliot from breaking down, and saw the Lion King which was a big hit. Eliot was noticeably....crabby....and continued to be so for the rest of the trip. Most of this is from the fact that he was up before 6:30 every morning (5:30 here) and was going to bed late. The kid couldn't sleep.

Tuesday: Chill day. We went swimming. A LOT. Eliot loved the zero depth pool.

Wednesday: Sea World. I was getting quite tired by this point. Being this pregnant and this...exhausted...was making me tired. Eliot found a train ride and rode it a lot. He went on a few other rides and we went to see the Shamu show again. Chris and I left pretty early so I could relax back at the hotel.

Thursday: Another fairly chill day. We went swimming again, and picked up food for Thanksgiving. That evening Chris and his family went out to Disney Quest. I stayed home with Eliot and went to sleep at about 8pm.

Friday: More swimming! We bummed around in the morning, Chris' nephews and brother left around noon. Chris' mom watched Eliot in the evening so we could go out. We went to see Circque du Soleil's La Nouba! It was so, so very aweseome and amazing to be out just as two adults. We walked around Downtown Disney and had some dinner. A glass of wine would've topped the night off wonderfully, but I can wait.

Saturday: Magic Kingdom. I may have overdid it. Eliot and Chris went on Dumbo and drove race cars (Eliot's favorite - he still talks about it), we all went on It's a Small World and Winnie the Pooh. The adults watched a parade that Eliot slept through. That took all day. We were there from 9:30-5:30. Oh! I forgot to mention Eliot's favorite part - the Mickey train. He lost his mind over the damn train.

Sunday: Chris' mom leaves, we have to switch hotels. We swam from checkout time until lunch, and then headed over to the new hotel for Eliot's nap. The new hotel did not have a heated pool, but it did have free breakfast with Mickey waffles. Glad we didn't stay there the whole time, but I'm a sucker for free breakfast. We also discovered the rental car had a nail in its tire and spent an hour at a Walmart getting it repaired. Stupid rental cars.

Monday: Head to the ocean. Our flight didn't leave until 6:30 pm and checkout time was at 11am. So we headed out to Cocoa Beach. Eliot was all excited to go see the ocean until we got there. And then he was terrified. TERRIFIED. We held him while we put our feet in the ocean and I put him down (on dry sand) and he just started running and crying and nothing I could say or do got him to stop. I barely caught up with him. We had to sit at the back of the beach and even then he didn't like it. It is so big, and it's loud. He was scared it was going to get him. We ate at some overpriced ocean-side cafe and I felt like I'd been ripped off enough. $50 for lunch...sheesh. So we drove the hour back to Orlando, Eliot slept for about an hour and a half and we were at the airport by 2 pm. We were just seriously out of things to do. In Disney World. How sad is that?! We got home aroung 10 pm Monday night and Eliot slept like a champ last night and is napping again right now as I write this. I am so glad to be home and so glad we took Tuesday off. Being able to get laundry done and go get groceries is a necessity.

I missed home. That vacation was awesome, but also exhausting and draining because Eliot is really testing his limits lately.

I'm finally just posting this without pictures...I'll try and add more later. I think it's time for a new computer.

Halloween! Plus!

My nephew, who I swear was just born yesterday, turned one last week. There was a party - with Eliot's favorite - pizza and cake. 

 

I think this is one of my favorite pictures ever - happy birthday. Get me out of here.

Oh, you got me cake? Never mind. I will stay.

Then Halloween happened, and we had the sassiest little raccoon you've ever seen. There's a long story behind this costume, but mostly I felt like a bad parent because when we were ready to buy him a costume we tried to get his input. Asked him, took him to a store and showed him costumes, and he had absolutely no opinion. So great, I dress him in the funniest thing I can think of. Then a week before Halloween he wants to be a train. Or a car. Sorry kid, next year speak early and often.

He didn't seem to mind after all. Once we were outside he kept telling the neighbor girl he was a monster raccoon. He was happy.

This picture? Part of the inside joke. Chris isn't really going to hit our child with a shovel.

And Trenton was the cutest pumpkin ever. He looked very unsure of the whole thing too

 



Eliot loved trick or treating though. He would run up to each house, try and press the doorbell himself and loved the fact that people put something in his bag at each house. I thought he would be done after one and just want to eat the candy. Nope. Once we told him there were more he kept saying lets go get more! We went around my parents cul-de-sac and could've done more...but he seemed happy. Definitely a fun year, and here come the holidays. I'm so excited!

Putting Yourself Out There

Today we went to the park. Another family with three children came up and Eliot said to the boy closest to his age, "Hello friend." The little boy, who looked about a year older than Eliot, kept running, and Eliot tried to keep up. Eliot ran to the top of the playground and yelled, "Hello, Eliot!" He's working on the "I'm." Whenever he caught up with them he'd tell them about trains and choo-choos and how he was a conductor. They didn't really have anything to say back. The boys were going down the biggest slide. Eliot almost went down too, but backed out right beforehand. I finally had to grab him and tell him it was time to leave and eat lunch. He didn't want to go. "Where's my friend?" he asked. We stopped to pick up our sand toys on the way out and the little boy he called his friend came over and helped. "Thanks friend, bye-bye," said Eliot.

Oh. My sweet boy.

A sort of summer recap

I think I just want to post some pictures here, recap what's happened this summer. I wish I had more time to post this summer but with the new house and the pregnancy and the rental and the heat...the awful ridiculous heat...and this stupid broken computer it hasn't gone well. Here's some of my favorite things I missed posting about in picture form from this summer.

Spinning in the back yard with Dad. Again and again!

Dad's new remote control toy.

From the front!

My nephew - check out those baby blues!

We spent almost every evening at the water table. Water saved this summer. These two boys are becoming such good friends - I'm jealous of all the fun they'll having in the next few years. Cousins are awesome.

At the "Choo-choo" park. Eliot spends every trip screaming "All Aboard" at the top of his lungs. It's cute to me, but a little loud to some of the kids.

The Children's Museum is so much fun now!

We love any and every park.

We made it up to the cabin a few times too. It's incredible how long these boys can play in the water! The cabin is the first time Eliot has ever skipped his nap. He's also a bit of a mess by the end of the day.

Chris had a busy summer clearing this area of rocks. I'm kind of sad that we don't have a finished product picture - it looks so nice now, I'll share soon!

A birthday party was a big hit. Matchbox cars are now a favorite. So many boys....

We went to a wedding and Eliot danced for hours.

Grandma's visiting.

One absolutely incredible sunrise off our deck...

The best end of summer haircut ever!

Hanging out and goofing off is always a favorite.

We went to the fair - Eliot's second - and he started the morning by eating an entire corn dog. Then donuts and a little bit of my raspberry malt. Eliot is a natural fair and food lover.

This is the luminarium at the fair - definitely worth the money. It was supposed to be rather zen-like but we missed that part with a 2 year old...and probably ruined it for others. But it was very cool.

Eliot loves curious george.

My mom is so great with these boys. She never complains about how exhausted they must make her.

Discovering more local parks. I played here when I was little. Full circle and all that jazz.

After a day at the zoo, falling asleep in our arms on the way back to the car. It must be great to sleep that hard.

Eliot and I went camping with a group of ladies and their kids. It went ok...would have went better if both of us hadn't been sick.

Fall came - and is almost gone already. Piles of leaves are awesome fun though.

Can't you tell we're at the apple orchard here?! We are. It was so hot - 80+ degrees - I've never picked apples in shorts and t-shirts. It was fun though. Great end to a great summer. To think that next year there will be two little guys to share it with!

 

It's a boy!

Most defintely a boy!

I feel guilty - I actually found out this baby was a boy last Monday but really just haven't had the time to post.
Part of the problem is that I am constantly on my Kindle Fire now and barely ever bother to start the computer because....well...why bother?

How freaking adorable is this picture? I know only mothers love these but I want to kiss that nose already!!

But! Baby! So cute! And perfectly healthy according to the ultrasound. I don't know if this little guy realizes the money he has saved me in clothing! It just keeps getting recycled...although I really can't help myself and have already bought him 4 new outfits. Because of sales, and cuteness and oh my god look at how tiny these little outfits are!!! I forgot how small people start out (well, maybe not the people I make...ahem 9 lb 5 oz Eliot).

The baby is looking right at you in this picture. His head is facing towards the left of the screen. Isn't he handsome?!

So we are so excited to meet you little baby. Eliot doesn't know how amazing and important you will be forever and forever in his life, and you have ready-made entertainment! Just wait until you see how hilarious your big brother is! He sure makes me laugh. I can't wait to see your personality, your looks, who the heck are YOU!?! It's crazy, all I can picture is Eliot, but I know you're you. And I want to hold you and meet you and learn all about you.
You've been kicking away lately, letting me know you're safe and sound...and maybe a little pissed off when I eat Indian food. Forgive me for the spice - it's SO GOOD!


In regards to this pregnancy? I'm feeling ok. Sick this week but I've been lower energy in general this time around. Chris painted the nursery this weekend, and we have been furiously looking at names. Boys names are so hard you guys! I think we finally have a couple we like though. I hope.

I'm 100!

This right here would be my 100th post! Woohoo me! I've been writing here since 2009 - I'm pretty proud I've kept it up even if I have slacked a bit in the last few months.

That part is sad. This summer was so packed full of fun and family. I even have pictures to share - but my computer is dying and won't upload pictures. There's no money for a new computer due to the new house and new landscaping and new water heater that we SURPRISE had to buy when the old one exploded. So just let me break it down. Eliot loves parties, the cabin, all types of water unless it sprays in his face, and his cousins. He's adorable and precocious and just plain precious. He is so much fun and we laugh so much sometimes it hurts. Chris is working hard at work and at home. He takes care of...almost everything sometimes. I need to buy him a beer sometime. I'm finally feeling better after 8 weeks of morning sickness. And I'm so very happy about that.

I keep thinking of this new little one as basically another Eliot. I cannot imagine having a child who is anything but Eliot, just like before Eliot I had no idea what he would look like or who he would be. And although I always doubted parents when they said this, I really really don't care whether it's a girl or a boy. I see pluses and minuses to both, and I will love any baby. I do have to admit to a little baby girl clothes perusing though. Some of that stuff is so freaking cute - although the new baby boy outfits make me squeal (inside) too.

So there it is folks, 100 posts. I will try to get some pictures up on this beast soon. For now I'm going to bask in the accomplishment of those double zeros.

Neglect

Today I am 13 weeks 2 days pregnant. Today I saw our baby on an ultrasound and heard the words "everything looks normal." What a great thing to hear. I didn't cry all day until about 10 hours later as I was rocking Eliot later, singing to him about peanuts and trains. And then suddenly I sobbed - catching both of us completely off guard. Because yesterday I was convinced something was wrong. Yesterday I was convinced this wasn't really happening. Up until today, I hadn't really mentally participated in this pregnancy. I couldn't. I was so scared. So I haven't written anything here in weeks. Not even about the house or Eliot or anything because I think I had put up such a wall that I couldn't even face myself. Such a wall that it took my 10 hours to even react to the news that this baby is ok.
I know nothing is guaranteed. But we all know nothing is guaranteed for any of us from day to day, but for today I know that the biggest hurdle of the first trimester is over now. And our baby looks normal. Such a boring word for such a wondorously amazing thing. Thank you for normal.
Now I can look to tomorrow. Look to finally take down this wall I've built so I can really welcome this baby into our family.
I'm happy. Over the moon. Really. I can't wait for you to come home little one. Your family is ready for you.

Two

A 2 year old with better things to do than have his picture taken.

Eliot -

It pains me to think that you won't remember this year. We all had so much fun, especially you. You started walking and started talking in sentences. You are sweet, love to cuddle when you're tired, love water, love to swing (ok, that one has never stopped), love to sing, love to play "get you" for hours, love to run up and down "hee-lls" (that's hills, with two syllables and a southern accent), love cartoons, games, trains, trucks, tractors, and you are always asking to go outside. You are so adorable sometimes I just want to eat you. You've become a lot more independent though (and therefore let me nibble on your knees less often), and lately have taken to pointing at yourself and proudly stating "I do it!" or "I Eliot!" Yes darling, yes you are. You are so you now, so much your own person and I am so proud of you.

You are my joy, but you are stubborn. This year has introduced us to picky toddler eating. There are things I know you'd love (like pie! Sweet delicious pie!) that you refuse to even put in your mouth because you haven't seen them before. I have to make sure I pick my battles with you because you'll win unless I physically prevent you from something, which really feels unfair, and I'm sure you hate it too.

Most nights you still join us in bed around 3am, but we don't mind. I think I miss you too by 3am. Speaking of 3am, did I mention how loud you are? You have no inside voice, everything is a yell, and stated about 20 times (ship! ship! ship! choochoo! choochoo! choochoo! pizza! pizza! pizza!). You just have to make sure people are paying attention. Listen to you yell Mamadada (sometimes we are one entity) over and over at 3 in the morning is a little less cute.
Our new nightly routine consists of "books in bed" as you call it. Where we attempt to limit you to four seven books to read in our bed. When we're headed to the bedroom you'll look at me and say "Mama too? Mama too?" Just to make sure I'm coming. It breaks my heart every night little boy because I know some day you will not be cuddling between your mom and dad in bed reading stories, you will probably hate being reminded that you ever did. There will be a last "Mama too?" a last "books in bed" just as there was a last time you had a bottle, sat in the baby swing, sat in a bouncy chair. It's so funny how we used to use those things so often and then never even noticed when we stopped. Will I notice your last "Mama too?" I'm pretty sure I won't, I'll just look back at some point and realize we don't do that anymore. As this time-warp of a year has proven, I only have a short time with you like this. That I have to jar "Mama too?" up in a bottle and keep it close to my heart, as sappy as that sounds. (Being a mom has given me a whole new capacity for sappiness, don't even try and stop it). But Eliot, no matter how big you get I will always come when you need me. I'll strive to be whatever you'll need me for at the time, even though I love your two year old needs for now and wish they could always be this simple. I know some day you might need me to disappear for a while, or drop you off at a corner, but just know you can always have your Mama too when you need her. That's the beauty of growing up though. You keep moving on to something more fun, more appropriate for your age and abilities, and you always let us know when it's time to move on as long as we listen.

I love you Eliot. I can't wait to see where you take us next. Happy second birthday.

Rounding the 5th week

I'm scared to even write this post. I'm scared of the possible negative outcomes. I'm so scared to open up my heart to this baby, knowing that it could all end so quickly. But here we are, and I'm 5 weeks pregnant, and no matter what I say I know that I am head over heels for this little one and there's nothing I can do about it. I know I have been more reserved about this pregnancy, I've been slower to get excited about things, taking my time with planning anything, not really even bringing much up with Chris. I just don't want to get too far ahead of myself, but sweet baby, I love you so much already and you're so wanted and I hope with all my might that we get to meet you and take you home. Please be ok in there. There's so much love and amazingness out here and a big brother who would love to meet you too.
Love,
Mama

Next

It's pre-dawn. I'm up because I can't sleep. I'm so excited. So anxious. So nervous. Last night was Eliot's last night sleeping in this house. Tonight is my last night, and today we pack. It's so weird, I remember moving in here, crying after everyone had left just because. Becase I was overwhelmed, excited, anxious, nervous. I wonder if I'll be able to sleep Saturday. With the new smells and sounds. More importantly I wonder if Eliot will be able to sleep.
I can't believe we spent 7 years here. I feel so old when I say that. It went by so fast. In 7 more years I'll be 39 and Eliot will be 9. I'm not ready.
Eliot is up. The weekend of moving has begun....wish us luck.

We're Really Doing This

We're moving. We've made an offer on a house, had an inspection, have a closing date. And we are not selling our current home. I'm so scared. This is the riskiest financial move we have ever made. Probably the riskiest thing I've done with my credit or reputation since Chris and I moved into an apartment together when I was 20 and he was 19 and we had been dating for only 6 months. What was I thinking? That ended well though...so maybe I need to take more risks. I can't believe I'm going to be a landlord. Please give me some nice, quiet, easy tenants. We will actually be making money. But we are now responsible for two houses worth of maintenance. Two houses worth of quirks and things that go wrong or break. I feel like we've fixed damn near everything in our current house at least once, sometimes twice. I hope that the houses can stay in good shape for the next couple years. I hope.

But when I think of the space that we're gaining, and the 3 car garage Chris will have, and that Eliot will have his own room so that I can get into my pajamas somewhere other than our living room and I can plant a garden and there are woods and good schools and little boys right next door and we'll have a play room and a guest room and more room than we'll know what to do with right now....I can't help but be excited and think this is the right decision for us.

So Angry I'm Shaking

I don't usually post much controversial on here. But I read Balancing Jane's piece last night and I'm so upset about it. I think a lot of it is what I recently went through with discovering that my baby was no longer alive but still inside of me. I know that what he's saying would not have affected my exact situation, but it could've in a few short weeks. I don't know if you really know how that feels until you've been there. It's traumatizing. Does anyone tell the cow that its' calf isn't going to survive? Does the cow get a choice? Does it have to sit and think about the fact that it's baby either isn't alive or will die within hours of its first breath? Sir, you do not know how terrible and awful that choice is to make, and how personal. I am so humbled by those who have had to make a choice. So humbled by their strength that I am intimidated to even post a comment on their blog. When I first found out my baby was gone I thought I could wait for things to happen naturally....I made it 4 days and I about lost my mind. It was my choice though. It scares me that people want to take those choices away.

Also, it doesn't bother me when someone compares people to animals. I feel that we do a lot of the same things and feel a lot of the same things. I was a vegetarian for over 15 years, I respect animals. But as Balancing Jane pointed out, he compared just womens reproductive issues to animals and to playing god. What about cancer? What about drugs? What about the entire medical establishment? SERIOUSLY! Why is it just women?!

In short - hands off Mr. England. Rant over.

Where Else Can I Brag?

I know it's not cool to brag too much about your kid, but I am so impressed my 20 month old can count to 10! It's not 100% reliable, but he does it about 75% of the time!! Ok, so since I know almost nothing about child development maybe he's way behind, but I am freaking impressed if you can't tell by all my exclamation points!! (!!!)

I'm also depressed by the fact that I used the phrase "he'll be 2 in June" instead of "he's 20 months" the other day. Where the heck did this last year go? Why has time suddenly accelerated? Is science looking into this phenomenon?

So, that other news. We're house hunting! We have decided to rent out our current house and buy another one. We listed our current place on craigslist and people were tripping all over themselves to rent it, we literally had 3 people ready to apply for the lease and had to cancel on a dozen more. So we did what any good business person would do, we didn't rent it to any of them. Ha. We're actually going to put it back up in a couple of weeks for $100 more/month. I am confident we'll be able to rent the place one way or another. Which is awesome, because I am so excited to move. Well, not excited to actually do the moving part, but to be in a space that is more suited to our needs. I'm drooling over kitchens and yards and bathrooms, while Chris is drooling over garages and sheds. We're aiming to have it all...

Vacation Update - We're Back

I know, I've been absent posting for a while. It's been crazy. Work has been crazy, life has been crazy, I've been working at getting my head back on straight, and one tiny little person takes up an inordinately large portion of my time. I know, Eliot turned 19 and 20 months old without a peep from me about it. I think I'm kind of done with monthly updates other than I would like to make it a goal to post at least once a month. He's bigger better and sassier than ever.

In fun-ner news we went on vacation! To Florida! Want to see pictures? Of course you do:

 There was an alligator in the pond by our hotel. Turtles attack alligators! Did you know that?

 See how brave we are? Standing over the alligator pond with our only son?

 We taught our brilliant son to play life-sized chess. He just wanted to move the horses.

 We saw dolphins at SeaWorld! He loved them - made dolphin noises for hours.

 We had to make friends with all the metal animal sculptures.

 And then he overdid it.

 We went to visit family and the ocean. It was unfortunately a cold, blustery day and we only stayed for about 2 minutes. It was also unfortunate that this is the only picture I got of me with the family I haven't seen in probably 11 years. They were so nice and hospitable and an absolutely adorable family - I'm glad I'm related!

 Eliot didn't really get the ocean.

 Can you feel the expansiveness of it though? It feels so cool - I love edges, ends, beginnings, the promise of new things ahead.

 Look at this brave little guy! I thought he wouldn't really be into rides or anything when we went to Busch Gardens.

 Despite what his face looks like here he is repeating "Whee" over and over again.

 Another surprise since he's usually so shy - he loved the characters! Went right up and high-fived them.

 What a way to travel. I'm jealous.

 Elephants are a favorite.

 We are on a train here. Notice his hands nicely folded. That is his having fun face. Just believe me, he had a total meltdown when we had to get off.

 Notice my hands - so he is paying attention.

 I would have to say his favorite part was chasing the almost tamed birds though.

 Mom's relaxing time - kindle and an iced tea on the condo porch after an outdoor morning run. Ah, heaven.

 Swimming outside in February - so cool. Other than the whole alligator, deadly snakes, and ridiculous summer heat Florida is sounding mighty tempting. And is this not the most hilarious little wet suit?

Then we came home. And he started doing this (all by himself). Oh my goodness, you are more your mother's child than you realize little boy. You play just like I did.

So that's it for now! There's other things I need to write down here, like we've decided what we're doing with our house and it involves hopefully moving this summer. Exciting stuff - but more on everything else later.