So Angry I'm Shaking

I don't usually post much controversial on here. But I read Balancing Jane's piece last night and I'm so upset about it. I think a lot of it is what I recently went through with discovering that my baby was no longer alive but still inside of me. I know that what he's saying would not have affected my exact situation, but it could've in a few short weeks. I don't know if you really know how that feels until you've been there. It's traumatizing. Does anyone tell the cow that its' calf isn't going to survive? Does the cow get a choice? Does it have to sit and think about the fact that it's baby either isn't alive or will die within hours of its first breath? Sir, you do not know how terrible and awful that choice is to make, and how personal. I am so humbled by those who have had to make a choice. So humbled by their strength that I am intimidated to even post a comment on their blog. When I first found out my baby was gone I thought I could wait for things to happen naturally....I made it 4 days and I about lost my mind. It was my choice though. It scares me that people want to take those choices away.

Also, it doesn't bother me when someone compares people to animals. I feel that we do a lot of the same things and feel a lot of the same things. I was a vegetarian for over 15 years, I respect animals. But as Balancing Jane pointed out, he compared just womens reproductive issues to animals and to playing god. What about cancer? What about drugs? What about the entire medical establishment? SERIOUSLY! Why is it just women?!

In short - hands off Mr. England. Rant over.

Control

I have never handled lack of control well. I am a fairly classic first born overacheiver type. Well, if I don't/can't overacheive, I become the best underacheiver! Just ask me about high school...but that's another story. Part of my personality is that I like to have control over things. I like to feel that I make a difference in the outcome of my life. Those existential questions about predestination? I am a huge believer that we are all in control of our own destinies, and dammit, I will take control over every last little annoying part. It can be exhausting.
My feet started itching, only at night, a little over a week ago. I thought it was dry skin....put some lotion on. But that itching didn't change in the slightest. Itching bad enough that you could sit there and draw blood just to make the itching stop. So, I called the Dr. because I wasn't sure what I could put on it. Their answer? You'd better come in. I figured this was for some sort of prescription cream or something, but they told me about a condition called ICP, no, not the band, there are no clowns..but it has to do with my liver. Apparently one of the bigger symptoms of this condition is itchy hands and feet that are worse at night. ICP is pregnancy related and fairly harmless to me. To the baby? It could result in premature labor and stillbirth. They did a blood test, they have to send it to Utah and I may not be able to find out until Wednesday if I have this. It's rare, it's possible that swelling is causing this itching. I hope so. But right now? While people tell me to calm down and focus on the fact that it's probably nothing? I want to scream. This is my baby, my body that could be harming my baby. How can I calm down when my body could be hurting my baby? Pregnancy has taught me that my body is definitely in control of more things than my mind is aware of. The first trimester worries of will this baby make it pounded that lesson in. You have no control, zero. So I sit here and wait, pretending it's nothing, waiting for a phone call that will end this endless questioning in my mind.
I love you kid.

Ire

This post may have no purpose and will probably not make sense to many. I need to vent and since I opened up this thing to everyone, it's not going to be very specific.

I woke up angry. Pissed actually. I have been so angry lately, I've had so much of it that I don't know what to do with it. I find myself wanting to punch things, to break dishes, to slam doors, to scream. This isn't like me, I'm not an angry person. Sad I have experienced, and have come to expect occasionally....I'm not sure when I became so angry. The anger sneaks up on me, it's not something I'm used to dealing with.....but I know it's situational. I know that I have never been good at accepting, at not having control over everything. Right now I have big, huge, overwhelming THINGS that are out of my control. Things that I have to accept. Things that I can't accept.

I know I'll get there. Everything resolves itself in time, whether good or bad. Life will keep moving, time will continue to pass, and someday I'll be able to look back and wonder why I worried about everything so much, or what was there to get so upset about after all. Knowing that doesn't make it an easier right now, because time heals all wounds and I'm still feeling burnt. It's this limbo, this process, this not knowing what the outcome is, that is the hardest part. Once you're through the gauntlet all you have to do is catch your breath....right?

This is supposed to be a happy blog, a blog about good stuff, about my life. There are big parts of my life lately that I don't feel comfortable writing about here, so it's hard to update this. I'll get back to the animals and vacation and funny people later. I'm wallowing right now, and I'm just going to stew for a while.