Saturday, November 30, 2013

10 months...counting down to a first birthday here already

Malcolm is fully mobile. Malcolm is trouble the way his brother never was. He's curious, he's the reason baby gates and cabinet locks and all those safety implements we never really needed for Eliot were invented. He likes to laugh. If you start laughing at him he'll laugh right back. He's smart - he knows when to get out of the way of the big kids. He gets himself stuck in places. He tries to eat tiny pieces of who knows what on the floor. He insists on eating dinner with us. If someone is eating, he better be eating too. He makes a vrooming noise when he's pushing cars on the floor. He's funny, he's got a great laugh. I am enjoying the heck out of this little guy.

Although I have to say lately Eliot has gotten pretty darn brave.
This month I had to wean Malcolm. I'm having some health problems, but this post isn't about me. I nursed Eliot for 19 months. I am an emotional mess about having to wean Malcolm. I miss it. He has adjusted just fine. But babies are traitors. Since Chris has been providing most of his care, Chris is the one he runs to. It's awesome, those two, how much fun they're having. I miss our relationship but it is special to see Chris and Malcolm have such a special relationship. I hope to be better soon and keep up with these kids a bit more.

They're together and fuzzy and just putting up with us for a minute.
I forget about these moments sometimes. Good thing I have a camera.
Eliot is doing awesome. He loves preschool, tolerates daycare, and loves his grandma and his cousin Trenton. He can be rough with Malcolm sometimes. He takes toys, pushes, and screams at him. I'm not sure why he's so angry sometimes. We rarely yell in our house, but he's so angry lately. Ah well. I hope for a special relationship between Eliot and Malcolm. Maybe it's too early for them to get  along much, but it's mostly screaming when someone's taken a toy.

Eliot is so excited for Christmas. He really gets it this year. He helped us set up the tree, he's got an advent calendar he talks about all the time and he's really looking forward to presents! He's been having some trouble sleeping alone lately so I've been spending lots of nights in his bed. He's funny - and I think he's a bit of the class clown at school. His teacher is always talking about how funny he is. The other moms say their kids talk about Eliot all the time...Eliot almost never talks about school. Sometimes we hear about one friend, but he's very quiet about school to my dismay.

Everything is moving so fast, I'm having trouble keeping up with this blog! I write these posts and never find time to publish them because I haven't added pictures. I need to make more time!

Thursday, November 7, 2013


He sleeps with his yellow construction hat. And a stuffed toy he calls baby jaguar and he still uses a pacifier. He’s almost 3.5 and he’s not potty trained. He’s headstrong and testing limits and can be mean and rude and dear god sometimes I forget that he is still such a baby. Sometimes I’m so hard on him. Sometimes I give him the silent treatment because I don’t want to yell at him. Because I’m angry. Because I want him to know I’m angry. He screams for a while. Repetitive, wants something, doesn’t matter what, just wants to win, just wants me to hear. Then he starts repeating “Be nice to me mama.” I still don’t talk. I can’t. I’m just so angry about the way he acted and angry that I have to be consistent with my punishment because dammit I wanted to go to Target and get a cookie too but he didn’t listen and I took it away and now we can’t go. How old am I? He sleeps with a construction hat and a stuffed toy he calls baby jaguar. He still uses a pacifier. He still wants me to lay with him when he goes to sleep.  He asks me to turn on his turtle light when I leave so it’s not so dark. He’s just a baby. Why do I want to yell at him like an adult? Actually I want to yell at him like I would never yell at an adult. Sometimes I want to be ugly. Sometimes I am ugly. When am I being too hard on him and when do I need to enforce even more? What do I let go? How am I going to let him go? “I like holding hands with you mama. I need a hug.” He’s still my baby. I’m trying so hard to be a good mom. He’s still a baby, but comes incognito as a teenager when I least expect it. But because he still needs to hold onto baby jaguar. Because he still needs to hold onto my hand. I will take more deep breaths tonight and not be ugly. I will hug and hold hands and be patient. I will be creative and find ways to make doing what we need to do fun and possible. I will love the stuffing out of that little boy for the rest of my life and I will not miss even an ugly moment of 3.5 because I won’t get it back.