Monday, January 30, 2012

Some days the good outweighs the bad

So lately I have had more days where I haven't cried than ones where I have, and although I will always. Always. love and miss the baby we lost, I finally feel like I am going to be able to move forward. I feel like I can have conversations with people and not randomly break down in tears. I feel like a good mother again, because for a while I wasn't. I was selfish and hurting and needed to grieve. But today. Today was a good day.

Today was a balmy 44 degrees, almost unheard of for a Minnesota January day. We went and bought new shoes (6 wides - my fat footed little guy!), and a walk sounded like just the perfect thing to get out of the house, with the sidewalks having melted and being so clear of snow for my tentative walker!

Oh you guys, we discovered puddles. I am not a mom to stop a kid from playing in a puddle, even after spending an obscene amount of money for stride rites.

And just look at that face. How could I deny the joy on that face (and next stop Target, where we will be investing in a pair of rubber boots for the spring)? Also, as I knew it would, it ended with a face plant in a puddle. We made it almost an hour though - with some frozen toes for proof.

He kept running from puddle to puddle shouting, "This one, this one!" Because I kept pointing to puddles and asking him, "What about this one?"

And this one. My keeper, my heart. You were worth every sleepless night, every penny spent. Every moment I spend with you is the best use of my time I can think of. Thank you for slowing me down to enjoy the puddles in life. And that's why we have these little people, right? Because in the end they're worth every pain they induce. So today was not without tears, but definitely one of the good ones with more in sight.

Thursday, January 19, 2012


In the Buddhist tradition, babies that are miscarried, lost, or still born are souls that are only one step away from Nirvana (the Buddhist idea of heaven, where all souls go when they’ve completed their journey on earth). All those souls needed were to be wanted and loved one last time and they get to move on.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

An ode to an unknown

I wrote this post last week. When we were surprised to find out we were pregnant again. I only knew about the pregnancy for 5 days, but apparently I was about 8-9 weeks along. I went in for an ultrasound for my expected delivery date and the baby was measuring 8 weeks but didn't have a heartbeat. We lost the baby. I debated deleting this post or just saving and never posting this post, but I'm not ashamed of what happened, it isn't rare, and there's no way I will ever forget what happened. For a brief time, while this little one was developing we bonded, and I loved this baby, dreamed about this baby, and this baby was wanted. This is really all I have left of this baby and I want to preserve it somewhere. We are devestated, but really trying to move forward and focus on taking it one day at a time.

So here we go again. I feel like I need to write some of this down as it's happening not only because I'm going to forget it, but because I want this new little one to have the same opportunity to look back on their entire life, from conception to wherever they end up.

That's right, we're going to be a family of four. I even love the alliteration of that. I found out on January 2nd, after sleeping 10 hours the night before and then taking a 2 hour nap that afternoon I figured I was either pregnant or I needed to go to the doctor. Two little lines showed up though, and I couldn't even believe it. Eliot is going to be a big brother (which is so weird, he's so very little, thinking of him as someone to look up to is hard for me!) Although, what a great big brother to look up to. What a lucky baby.

I'm beside myself with excitement, but feeling the same trepidation that I felt when I was pregnant with Eliot. Why are we messing with a good thing? What if by having this new baby I screw up Eliot? How in the world am I going to divide my time between two very needy human beings? Sometimes I feel like I don't have enough for one. But I know in my heart that it will be fine. That others have done this eons before I even thought of having a first baby. I know I'll still worry though, and I'm constantly worrying that this little one is ok and healthy in there. But the excitement of meeting a whole new person, of watching them reach milestones and grow....oh, little one! I know you're just a bundle of cells right now, but I can't wait to meet you!

Speaking of how big this baby is, I actually have very little idea how far along I am. I'm probably somewhere between 5 and 10 weeks, I would guess around 7-9. Morning sickness has started up full force, and I am exhausted. I was so crabby the last few weeks and I couldn't figure out why - I'm so glad I'm pregnant. It's good to know this is not my new normal. I go to the dr at the end of the month for an ultrasound to figure out how far along I am. This is so different from my last pregnancy! I knew the exact date of conception for crying out loud - this time is much more relaxed. It's good though - this little one will have their own personality and their own experiences.

We're not telling anyone yet, and I won't post this until we do. I want to tell my family in a couple weeks. Probably do the big brother T-shirt thing....they're going to flip. I can't wait!!

We love you little one. I hope your brief time inside me wasn't painful or scary, and I wish I could've met you.