Wednesday, January 11, 2012

An ode to an unknown

I wrote this post last week. When we were surprised to find out we were pregnant again. I only knew about the pregnancy for 5 days, but apparently I was about 8-9 weeks along. I went in for an ultrasound for my expected delivery date and the baby was measuring 8 weeks but didn't have a heartbeat. We lost the baby. I debated deleting this post or just saving and never posting this post, but I'm not ashamed of what happened, it isn't rare, and there's no way I will ever forget what happened. For a brief time, while this little one was developing we bonded, and I loved this baby, dreamed about this baby, and this baby was wanted. This is really all I have left of this baby and I want to preserve it somewhere. We are devestated, but really trying to move forward and focus on taking it one day at a time.

So here we go again. I feel like I need to write some of this down as it's happening not only because I'm going to forget it, but because I want this new little one to have the same opportunity to look back on their entire life, from conception to wherever they end up.

That's right, we're going to be a family of four. I even love the alliteration of that. I found out on January 2nd, after sleeping 10 hours the night before and then taking a 2 hour nap that afternoon I figured I was either pregnant or I needed to go to the doctor. Two little lines showed up though, and I couldn't even believe it. Eliot is going to be a big brother (which is so weird, he's so very little, thinking of him as someone to look up to is hard for me!) Although, what a great big brother to look up to. What a lucky baby.

I'm beside myself with excitement, but feeling the same trepidation that I felt when I was pregnant with Eliot. Why are we messing with a good thing? What if by having this new baby I screw up Eliot? How in the world am I going to divide my time between two very needy human beings? Sometimes I feel like I don't have enough for one. But I know in my heart that it will be fine. That others have done this eons before I even thought of having a first baby. I know I'll still worry though, and I'm constantly worrying that this little one is ok and healthy in there. But the excitement of meeting a whole new person, of watching them reach milestones and grow....oh, little one! I know you're just a bundle of cells right now, but I can't wait to meet you!

Speaking of how big this baby is, I actually have very little idea how far along I am. I'm probably somewhere between 5 and 10 weeks, I would guess around 7-9. Morning sickness has started up full force, and I am exhausted. I was so crabby the last few weeks and I couldn't figure out why - I'm so glad I'm pregnant. It's good to know this is not my new normal. I go to the dr at the end of the month for an ultrasound to figure out how far along I am. This is so different from my last pregnancy! I knew the exact date of conception for crying out loud - this time is much more relaxed. It's good though - this little one will have their own personality and their own experiences.

We're not telling anyone yet, and I won't post this until we do. I want to tell my family in a couple weeks. Probably do the big brother T-shirt thing....they're going to flip. I can't wait!!

We love you little one. I hope your brief time inside me wasn't painful or scary, and I wish I could've met you.


  1. Such a beautiful post, Mel. I think you'll never regret having written or posted it. xx

  2. Thanks Jane. I feel like I could've written 10 pages about how I'm feeling. Thank you for being there for me.