Changing and Growing

I guess that's me lately. So much change. I keep getting bigger, this little baby keeps getting bigger, and it's getting harder to deny that our family is soon going to be 4 instead of 3. Two more months - I can't wait. Does Eliot realize what's happening? Not really. Does he realize that one of the most important people in his life is about to appear? No. How special is this. That I get to be the mom to two little boys, two brothers. That I get to be part of this family, part of their lives? I know there will be some adjustment as Eliot realizes that maybe he isn't the center of the universe in our house (and oh, it's going to be a little painful), but I think it's good for him too. It's good for all of us. And how lucky is this new baby, to have an already built family. To have a big brother already there for him. I'm so nervous for them to meet each other. It just blows my mind...we made brothers. I will be there the moment they first meet and neither one will really realize what it means. I hope it's a good start. I hope they are friends for life.

I wonder sometimes if my heart really can expand to love two people the way I love Eliot. I worry about it stretching so thin that it snaps. You put these little people out into the world and it's painful in ways I couldn't imagine, but also the most joyful and wondrous thing I've ever done. Two little boys that need feeding, clothing, loving, attention....and who will be exposed to all the good and the bad the world has to offer. Wow. This motherhood thing really sneaks up on you, kind of like not being able to see the forest for the trees.

In other news I'm starting a new job next week. At 33 weeks pregnant. I figured one life change wasn't enough, I'd just start over. New house, new job, new baby. Keeping the husband though, I like that guy. I'm going to work for the government. I won't have Mondays off anymore, but I will be guaranteed to only work 40 hours a week. They're very flexible too. I think this is an awesome move for me and I can't wait to start. I just hope baby stays in for over 6 weeks so I can really get into the job...and take advantage of the great benefits.

So that's probably enough change for now, huh? Merry Christmas and all that jazz, I'll try and post some of my maternity photos up here soon.

Some days the good outweighs the bad

So lately I have had more days where I haven't cried than ones where I have, and although I will always. Always. love and miss the baby we lost, I finally feel like I am going to be able to move forward. I feel like I can have conversations with people and not randomly break down in tears. I feel like a good mother again, because for a while I wasn't. I was selfish and hurting and needed to grieve. But today. Today was a good day.

Today was a balmy 44 degrees, almost unheard of for a Minnesota January day. We went and bought new shoes (6 wides - my fat footed little guy!), and a walk sounded like just the perfect thing to get out of the house, with the sidewalks having melted and being so clear of snow for my tentative walker!

Oh you guys, we discovered puddles. I am not a mom to stop a kid from playing in a puddle, even after spending an obscene amount of money for stride rites.

 
And just look at that face. How could I deny the joy on that face (and next stop Target, where we will be investing in a pair of rubber boots for the spring)? Also, as I knew it would, it ended with a face plant in a puddle. We made it almost an hour though - with some frozen toes for proof.

He kept running from puddle to puddle shouting, "This one, this one!" Because I kept pointing to puddles and asking him, "What about this one?"

And this one. My keeper, my heart. You were worth every sleepless night, every penny spent. Every moment I spend with you is the best use of my time I can think of. Thank you for slowing me down to enjoy the puddles in life. And that's why we have these little people, right? Because in the end they're worth every pain they induce. So today was not without tears, but definitely one of the good ones with more in sight.

So Extreme!

So....are you still?

When will you stop?

Isn't he getting too old for that?

It's just for comfort, right?

I guess 12 months is the magical age for weaning here in the US. People have been asking me when I'm going to stop doing THAT (nursing, breastfeeding, AHHHH...why are breasts so sexualized - I'm feeding my baby!). When are we going to stop doing that. This is so much more complicated than I imagined. Just like I thought that my baby would WANT to sleep in a crib, that's what babies do, right? Also, nursing a toddler is different than nursing a newborn, and Eliot wants/needs to nurse a lot less than he used to, which is great! I am enjoying having my body back more of the time, enjoying not pumping at work. Sometimes it's like holding a distracted squirrel. He's twitching and grabbing and climbing and twirling and hitting, and often driving me crazy. But when he wants to nurse - that is all he wants. Sometimes there are no sippy cups or distractions that work otherwise. And I don't mind. I love the cuddle time with my increasingly mobile little boy, and I feel like it's a bit of nutritional insurance if he hasn't eaten the best that day....just because he's 1 doesn't mean my milk suddenly has no nutritional value.

Did you know that the World Health Organization recommends breastfeeding until at least 2 years of age?

Did you know that the American Academy of Pediatrics recommends breastfeeding until 1, and then as long as mutually desireable between the mother and child?

Former Surgeon General Dr. Antonia Novello: "It's the lucky baby, I feel, who continues to nurse until he's two."

I have grandmas and mothers admitting to me that they breastfed until their child was 2, even 3. They concede their confessions to me in low voices. They miss it. They loved it. They hid it. They don't regret it.

I remember before I had Eliot that I was one of those people who thought "extended" breastfeeding was weird. I would whisper to my friend behing my hand, "They're walking and talking - what are they doing still breastfeeding?" Here I am eating my words.

The other day I locked Eli and myself out of the house for 3 hours and I was so thankful that he was still nursing because it was lunch time and he was hungry. I always have a snack with me.

I sometimes feel uncomfortable nursing in public though, and I'm sad I feel like that. I wish it was more accepted....I hope if Eliot ever has children his wife never has to think twice. And if she ends up feeding her child formula that nobody judges them for that either. While nursing he no longer tolerates a blanket over his head and he unlatches about every 2 seconds from some distraction - I'm sure I've flashed people. He rarely wants to nurse in public anymore though - that's too distracting for him too - but I wouldn't deny him in an emergency. I've had to grow a backbone, put up with stares of people who think it's weird or unnecessary. I'm an inactive activist - "It's normal! It's society who's wrong!" I want to shout. But I don't.

I guess I'm growing my mama backbone. I will put up with anyone's judgement/crap to do what I believe is in the best interest of my child. And if anyone EVER makes Eliot feel like what he's doing is wrong or weird they will be sorry. Mama bear says ROAR!