I have never handled lack of control well. I am a fairly classic first born overacheiver type. Well, if I don't/can't overacheive, I become the best underacheiver! Just ask me about high school...but that's another story. Part of my personality is that I like to have control over things. I like to feel that I make a difference in the outcome of my life. Those existential questions about predestination? I am a huge believer that we are all in control of our own destinies, and dammit, I will take control over every last little annoying part. It can be exhausting.
My feet started itching, only at night, a little over a week ago. I thought it was dry skin....put some lotion on. But that itching didn't change in the slightest. Itching bad enough that you could sit there and draw blood just to make the itching stop. So, I called the Dr. because I wasn't sure what I could put on it. Their answer? You'd better come in. I figured this was for some sort of prescription cream or something, but they told me about a condition called ICP, no, not the band, there are no clowns..but it has to do with my liver. Apparently one of the bigger symptoms of this condition is itchy hands and feet that are worse at night. ICP is pregnancy related and fairly harmless to me. To the baby? It could result in premature labor and stillbirth. They did a blood test, they have to send it to Utah and I may not be able to find out until Wednesday if I have this. It's rare, it's possible that swelling is causing this itching. I hope so. But right now? While people tell me to calm down and focus on the fact that it's probably nothing? I want to scream. This is my baby, my body that could be harming my baby. How can I calm down when my body could be hurting my baby? Pregnancy has taught me that my body is definitely in control of more things than my mind is aware of. The first trimester worries of will this baby make it pounded that lesson in. You have no control, zero. So I sit here and wait, pretending it's nothing, waiting for a phone call that will end this endless questioning in my mind.
I love you kid.