Neglect

Today I am 13 weeks 2 days pregnant. Today I saw our baby on an ultrasound and heard the words "everything looks normal." What a great thing to hear. I didn't cry all day until about 10 hours later as I was rocking Eliot later, singing to him about peanuts and trains. And then suddenly I sobbed - catching both of us completely off guard. Because yesterday I was convinced something was wrong. Yesterday I was convinced this wasn't really happening. Up until today, I hadn't really mentally participated in this pregnancy. I couldn't. I was so scared. So I haven't written anything here in weeks. Not even about the house or Eliot or anything because I think I had put up such a wall that I couldn't even face myself. Such a wall that it took my 10 hours to even react to the news that this baby is ok.
I know nothing is guaranteed. But we all know nothing is guaranteed for any of us from day to day, but for today I know that the biggest hurdle of the first trimester is over now. And our baby looks normal. Such a boring word for such a wondorously amazing thing. Thank you for normal.
Now I can look to tomorrow. Look to finally take down this wall I've built so I can really welcome this baby into our family.
I'm happy. Over the moon. Really. I can't wait for you to come home little one. Your family is ready for you.