Beautiful

In the Buddhist tradition, babies that are miscarried, lost, or still born are souls that are only one step away from Nirvana (the Buddhist idea of heaven, where all souls go when they’ve completed their journey on earth). All those souls needed were to be wanted and loved one last time and they get to move on.

An ode to an unknown

I wrote this post last week. When we were surprised to find out we were pregnant again. I only knew about the pregnancy for 5 days, but apparently I was about 8-9 weeks along. I went in for an ultrasound for my expected delivery date and the baby was measuring 8 weeks but didn't have a heartbeat. We lost the baby. I debated deleting this post or just saving and never posting this post, but I'm not ashamed of what happened, it isn't rare, and there's no way I will ever forget what happened. For a brief time, while this little one was developing we bonded, and I loved this baby, dreamed about this baby, and this baby was wanted. This is really all I have left of this baby and I want to preserve it somewhere. We are devestated, but really trying to move forward and focus on taking it one day at a time.

So here we go again. I feel like I need to write some of this down as it's happening not only because I'm going to forget it, but because I want this new little one to have the same opportunity to look back on their entire life, from conception to wherever they end up.

That's right, we're going to be a family of four. I even love the alliteration of that. I found out on January 2nd, after sleeping 10 hours the night before and then taking a 2 hour nap that afternoon I figured I was either pregnant or I needed to go to the doctor. Two little lines showed up though, and I couldn't even believe it. Eliot is going to be a big brother (which is so weird, he's so very little, thinking of him as someone to look up to is hard for me!) Although, what a great big brother to look up to. What a lucky baby.

I'm beside myself with excitement, but feeling the same trepidation that I felt when I was pregnant with Eliot. Why are we messing with a good thing? What if by having this new baby I screw up Eliot? How in the world am I going to divide my time between two very needy human beings? Sometimes I feel like I don't have enough for one. But I know in my heart that it will be fine. That others have done this eons before I even thought of having a first baby. I know I'll still worry though, and I'm constantly worrying that this little one is ok and healthy in there. But the excitement of meeting a whole new person, of watching them reach milestones and grow....oh, little one! I know you're just a bundle of cells right now, but I can't wait to meet you!

Speaking of how big this baby is, I actually have very little idea how far along I am. I'm probably somewhere between 5 and 10 weeks, I would guess around 7-9. Morning sickness has started up full force, and I am exhausted. I was so crabby the last few weeks and I couldn't figure out why - I'm so glad I'm pregnant. It's good to know this is not my new normal. I go to the dr at the end of the month for an ultrasound to figure out how far along I am. This is so different from my last pregnancy! I knew the exact date of conception for crying out loud - this time is much more relaxed. It's good though - this little one will have their own personality and their own experiences.

We're not telling anyone yet, and I won't post this until we do. I want to tell my family in a couple weeks. Probably do the big brother T-shirt thing....they're going to flip. I can't wait!!

We love you little one. I hope your brief time inside me wasn't painful or scary, and I wish I could've met you.

1.5 years

So I guess we reached one and a half yesterday! Crazy. I really feel like I don't have much to say this month to cover the last two months. I'll just illustrate what I can in pictures.

These pictures are getting harder to catch. See how big? 21 lbs 13 oz, 2 ft, 6 in. Maybe just big to me! 

Right after this picture he put the bear on the ground and proceeded to kick it repeatedly. He may be trying to tell me something. 

Fall came and went. It snowed for a while but now it's brown again.  

We've been figuring out things to do to keep us busy when it's cold. The Children's Museum was a huge hit! 

Family time is always fun too. Eliot loves to hug his cousin...his cousin is not a huge fan. 

We just had time to discover leaf piles and then they were gone.... 

So! We thought we'd try snow! 

Yea, he was not impressed at all. 

Eliot loves to brush his dad's "hair." Haha, I'd laugh too Eliot. 

We bought a year membership to the zoo! Definitely a great winter activity. 

Baths are also a favorite. Is there anything better than a clean baby? 

I don't think I've taken a picture of this thing yet - we got an indoor play/ball center. I think I really bought this thing for me because I am so jealous they didn't have this when I was growing up. He loves his ball pit!

He also loves horsing around with his mama. 

We did Christmas part one with my side of the family this weekend. A little pre-xmas excitement. 

And who can resist that face?! 

Ummmm....or that one! At leasts we know where Eliot gets his good looks! 

Our family just keeps growing - it's  a lot of fun. 

Opening up presents... 

Sharing his gifts with his 2 month old cousin, Trenton. 

 Trenton is wondering if anyone is watching out for his safety.

Seriously. 

Little bit of post-xmas overwhelmingness. 

Chris and I had our first foray into putting things together that should be simple while Eliot is sleeping but keep you up cursing Little Tikes until way past your bedtime. But the looks on his face when he got in his car...priceless. Is this mine? 

 Really mine?

Oh yea. I am so cool.

Necessarily Cliched Thanksgiving Post

Sometimes I feel like cheese is coming out of my ears. Kind of like interviews - I hate job interviews because I feel so fake. Name a time when you were a successful part of a team. For a college job interview I once told the story of being on a football team and leading us to the win because that question totally had me stumped. I hate football and it never happened. I think those questions are just to see how fast you can think on your feet/lie successfully.

But I am thankful. No lies, I am thankful beyond words. But I'll try anyways.

I'm so thankful to be surrounded by people who I care about and care about me. That I get to spend as much time as I do with the people who are most important to me. I think back to a place I was in my life long ago and how I wished all this time away, even dreaded the fact that time kept going. I just didn't know how good it was going to get! I'm so glad I am where I am.

I'm thankful that although it may not be exactly where I want to be, we have a warm place to live and that it is enough, and could always be enough if need be.

I'm thankful that my child has never gone hungry. That although it drives me insane, he has the freedom to be picky, and feels that there is so little worry about food that he can throw it on the ground for the dog to eat when he's done.

I'm thankful that we don't really have to worry about money. That I do not have to worry about how we're going to pay the bills, that we can buy something if we really want it, and we're able to put money away every month. I'm so thankful to have a job, even if I had to answer silly interview questions to get it!

Random Randomness

I'm in a post-Song of Ice and Fire series funk. I read all five of the books in record time and now I have to wait like everyone else to find out what happens in the next book (books?). I am always kind of lost when I finish reading an especially engrossing book and I'm not sure what to read next. Although this one has an HBO series that started last year which I've heard is awesome and I can't wait to watch. Chris would probably argue that I should take a break and maybe have some conversations with him in the evenings. Maybe it wouldn't hurt too bad...for a few weeks anyways.

The weather has been awesome around here lately. Crisp and sunny.

However, the leaves have not yet let go of their branches. Raking is an exercise in futility because all the leaves we remove blow back to their original places in about 2 hours. I'm hoping it waits a little longer to snow so we can get one more round of leaves out of our yard.

My 32nd birthday is this Friday and it's strangely hitting me harder than 30 did. 30 & 31 are just dipping your toes in the 30's. 32 is solidly implanted in 30 year old territory. It won't bother me for long - I don't let aging do that. The alternative is worse.

I have been on a chocolate covered pretzel habit for the past week. I finally glanced at the package that I had been finishing in one to two sittings and found out it's actually five servings in that little package. Five servings is over 600 calories. I'm not sure it's worth that price. Maybe it will become a once a month treat instead of twice a week.

We went to the Children's Museum a couple weeks ago and it was awesome. What is not so awesome is that it's closed on Monday's all winter because Monday is my day off of work. I sure hope my child likes to play in the snow. I'm going to have to get creative with outings to keep us both from losing our damned minds.

I'm ridiculously excited for this weekend but I'm sure going to miss my baby. We're getting a babysitter Friday night to go see The Hold Steady play downtown. Saturday night my parents are taking me out to dinner and a comedy show while Eliot will be watched by my mother in law. This weekend is highly needed and terribly overdue.

We are officially on hold for any buying or selling of houses until spring. I have made my peace with that fact.

Divide and Conquer

Time recently did an article on calling a truce on the Chore War. Blue Milk did a piece analyzing whether or not the Time article had a point. A particular paragraph in Blue Milks' post had me contemplating where Chris and I diverge in our share of household responsibilities:

Are men and women equally sharing the work of organising all this stuff? The work of organising often doesn’t get counted in these surveys because a lot of it goes on inside someone’s head, but it’s bloody taxing work. Walking someone through all the steps in preparing a meal, making sure you haven’t run out of laundry powder for when it’s their turn to do the laundry, writing the shopping list for them and describing where on the aisles they will find the items they need to buy.. all draining work.

I am the organizer. I pay all the bills, I keep track of our bank accounts, our cell phones, our bill disputes, our money, our insurance, our retirement funds, Eliot's Dr's appointments. I'm the researcher. If we're making a big purchase I research what we're buying. I make sure Eliot's clothes are switched over when they're getting too small, that he has all the snacks he'll need in the cupboards for the next week, that his diaper stash hasn't been depleted. I do the grocery shopping 80% of the time. According to the Time article I'm considered a part time working mom though because I'm scheduled at 32 hours a week. I do most of the grocery shopping because I have Mondays off and Monday mid-mornings are a damn nice time to grocery shop. I bring Eliot to his Dr appointments because why should we take more time off to bring him to the Dr when I can knock that off the list on a Monday. Because I work though, our Mondays are also very special. I don't want every Monday to be me just trying to get housework done and errands run and dinner on the table. So they aren't. I don't make dinner most Mondays, I usually get one thing done (like laundry folded or the dishes put away) but most Mondays the house is more of a mess than we started. And that's ok.

But Chris, he's always willing to let me leave the house when I need a break. I take more breaks than he does. He takes care of the hardware of the house (wiring electronics, anything that can be fixed with his hands), I'm better at software (navigating the TV menus, setting up the wireless modem). I don't touch the garage, I only keep my bike in there. He takes care of my bike, the cars, the yard, 80% of the cooking, putting Eliot to bed. Eliot's night time care used to fall mostly on my shoulders with breastfeeding, and I would say I'm still up with him more than Chris is, but it's better every month.

Most other things are near equal. In some ways he's neater than I am. Laundry is probably 50-50. I clean the kitchen and bathroom more often, he does the dishes more often (yes, and he does most of the cooking). He won't clean the floors unless I start cleaning them, but then he'll do half. Speaking of floors, this aggravates the living daylights out of me, we went 3 weeks before our floors got mopped this last weekend because I was experimenting with waiting for him to clean the floors and then I just got too disgusted to wait any longer.

Mostly I feel like we strike a good balance, but I would like to hand some more of the organizational items back to him. I don't think this is a men vs. women thing in our relationship, I think it's a me letting go thing. I like to know that Eliot's clothes are organized and the right sizes, that I'll be able to grab a diaper out of the drawer without thinking about it, that all the bills are paid, that we're buying the very best TV at the very best price. I trust him though, I can even sleep while he's driving sometimes, and it doesn't all need to be knocking around in my head all the time. You know what means more than an exact division of chores? The fact that Chris is concerned about it being even as well, that he'll take on something on my "list" if asked or even if the need is sensed (except for the floors, obviously), and I'll take on things from his. It more than makes up for some perfect division of labor. We each do what we're good at, and help the other out if it's too much.

Halloween

I have a new nephew! Trenton Joseph - born 10/25 - isn't he precious. He is one of the cutest babies I've ever seen, and I'm so excited to be his aunt!

Seriously. I know that little bundle keeps you up at night, but look at how sweet and innocent and snuggleable. Makes me want another one....but maybe just during the day.

Speaking of cute babies at night...my little dinosaur did well last night.

Picture courtesy of our awesome neighbor who delivered this picture and two tomatoes about a half hour ago. Why are we trying to move again?

but the little man did not like carving pumpkins. He is saying NO very emphatically in this next picture.

Well no wonder when your dad makes the coolest and scariest pumpkin ever. He was intimidated!

Yes. He kind of had two costumes. What of it? Apparently we're Halloween freaks or something. He will wear this sweatsuit all winter though - not only is it super comfortable but it's so cool! (Oh, and Eliot says beep beep)

Right before our first trick or treat he banged his head and got a fat eye (?) If that's what you call it anyways. You can see it in the following picture. Poor little man, we tell him not to stand up in the tub but he gets so excited. Natural consequences I guess.

There he goes. Our little trick or treater. The back of this costume makes me want to squeal with cuteness noises. Seriously.

I didn't dress up. Unless you count the hoodie I have on circa 1999. Yea, Eliot doesn't either.