Changing and Growing

I guess that's me lately. So much change. I keep getting bigger, this little baby keeps getting bigger, and it's getting harder to deny that our family is soon going to be 4 instead of 3. Two more months - I can't wait. Does Eliot realize what's happening? Not really. Does he realize that one of the most important people in his life is about to appear? No. How special is this. That I get to be the mom to two little boys, two brothers. That I get to be part of this family, part of their lives? I know there will be some adjustment as Eliot realizes that maybe he isn't the center of the universe in our house (and oh, it's going to be a little painful), but I think it's good for him too. It's good for all of us. And how lucky is this new baby, to have an already built family. To have a big brother already there for him. I'm so nervous for them to meet each other. It just blows my mind...we made brothers. I will be there the moment they first meet and neither one will really realize what it means. I hope it's a good start. I hope they are friends for life.

I wonder sometimes if my heart really can expand to love two people the way I love Eliot. I worry about it stretching so thin that it snaps. You put these little people out into the world and it's painful in ways I couldn't imagine, but also the most joyful and wondrous thing I've ever done. Two little boys that need feeding, clothing, loving, attention....and who will be exposed to all the good and the bad the world has to offer. Wow. This motherhood thing really sneaks up on you, kind of like not being able to see the forest for the trees.

In other news I'm starting a new job next week. At 33 weeks pregnant. I figured one life change wasn't enough, I'd just start over. New house, new job, new baby. Keeping the husband though, I like that guy. I'm going to work for the government. I won't have Mondays off anymore, but I will be guaranteed to only work 40 hours a week. They're very flexible too. I think this is an awesome move for me and I can't wait to start. I just hope baby stays in for over 6 weeks so I can really get into the job...and take advantage of the great benefits.

So that's probably enough change for now, huh? Merry Christmas and all that jazz, I'll try and post some of my maternity photos up here soon.

Neglect

Today I am 13 weeks 2 days pregnant. Today I saw our baby on an ultrasound and heard the words "everything looks normal." What a great thing to hear. I didn't cry all day until about 10 hours later as I was rocking Eliot later, singing to him about peanuts and trains. And then suddenly I sobbed - catching both of us completely off guard. Because yesterday I was convinced something was wrong. Yesterday I was convinced this wasn't really happening. Up until today, I hadn't really mentally participated in this pregnancy. I couldn't. I was so scared. So I haven't written anything here in weeks. Not even about the house or Eliot or anything because I think I had put up such a wall that I couldn't even face myself. Such a wall that it took my 10 hours to even react to the news that this baby is ok.
I know nothing is guaranteed. But we all know nothing is guaranteed for any of us from day to day, but for today I know that the biggest hurdle of the first trimester is over now. And our baby looks normal. Such a boring word for such a wondorously amazing thing. Thank you for normal.
Now I can look to tomorrow. Look to finally take down this wall I've built so I can really welcome this baby into our family.
I'm happy. Over the moon. Really. I can't wait for you to come home little one. Your family is ready for you.

Some days the good outweighs the bad

So lately I have had more days where I haven't cried than ones where I have, and although I will always. Always. love and miss the baby we lost, I finally feel like I am going to be able to move forward. I feel like I can have conversations with people and not randomly break down in tears. I feel like a good mother again, because for a while I wasn't. I was selfish and hurting and needed to grieve. But today. Today was a good day.

Today was a balmy 44 degrees, almost unheard of for a Minnesota January day. We went and bought new shoes (6 wides - my fat footed little guy!), and a walk sounded like just the perfect thing to get out of the house, with the sidewalks having melted and being so clear of snow for my tentative walker!

Oh you guys, we discovered puddles. I am not a mom to stop a kid from playing in a puddle, even after spending an obscene amount of money for stride rites.

 
And just look at that face. How could I deny the joy on that face (and next stop Target, where we will be investing in a pair of rubber boots for the spring)? Also, as I knew it would, it ended with a face plant in a puddle. We made it almost an hour though - with some frozen toes for proof.

He kept running from puddle to puddle shouting, "This one, this one!" Because I kept pointing to puddles and asking him, "What about this one?"

And this one. My keeper, my heart. You were worth every sleepless night, every penny spent. Every moment I spend with you is the best use of my time I can think of. Thank you for slowing me down to enjoy the puddles in life. And that's why we have these little people, right? Because in the end they're worth every pain they induce. So today was not without tears, but definitely one of the good ones with more in sight.

An ode to an unknown

I wrote this post last week. When we were surprised to find out we were pregnant again. I only knew about the pregnancy for 5 days, but apparently I was about 8-9 weeks along. I went in for an ultrasound for my expected delivery date and the baby was measuring 8 weeks but didn't have a heartbeat. We lost the baby. I debated deleting this post or just saving and never posting this post, but I'm not ashamed of what happened, it isn't rare, and there's no way I will ever forget what happened. For a brief time, while this little one was developing we bonded, and I loved this baby, dreamed about this baby, and this baby was wanted. This is really all I have left of this baby and I want to preserve it somewhere. We are devestated, but really trying to move forward and focus on taking it one day at a time.

So here we go again. I feel like I need to write some of this down as it's happening not only because I'm going to forget it, but because I want this new little one to have the same opportunity to look back on their entire life, from conception to wherever they end up.

That's right, we're going to be a family of four. I even love the alliteration of that. I found out on January 2nd, after sleeping 10 hours the night before and then taking a 2 hour nap that afternoon I figured I was either pregnant or I needed to go to the doctor. Two little lines showed up though, and I couldn't even believe it. Eliot is going to be a big brother (which is so weird, he's so very little, thinking of him as someone to look up to is hard for me!) Although, what a great big brother to look up to. What a lucky baby.

I'm beside myself with excitement, but feeling the same trepidation that I felt when I was pregnant with Eliot. Why are we messing with a good thing? What if by having this new baby I screw up Eliot? How in the world am I going to divide my time between two very needy human beings? Sometimes I feel like I don't have enough for one. But I know in my heart that it will be fine. That others have done this eons before I even thought of having a first baby. I know I'll still worry though, and I'm constantly worrying that this little one is ok and healthy in there. But the excitement of meeting a whole new person, of watching them reach milestones and grow....oh, little one! I know you're just a bundle of cells right now, but I can't wait to meet you!

Speaking of how big this baby is, I actually have very little idea how far along I am. I'm probably somewhere between 5 and 10 weeks, I would guess around 7-9. Morning sickness has started up full force, and I am exhausted. I was so crabby the last few weeks and I couldn't figure out why - I'm so glad I'm pregnant. It's good to know this is not my new normal. I go to the dr at the end of the month for an ultrasound to figure out how far along I am. This is so different from my last pregnancy! I knew the exact date of conception for crying out loud - this time is much more relaxed. It's good though - this little one will have their own personality and their own experiences.

We're not telling anyone yet, and I won't post this until we do. I want to tell my family in a couple weeks. Probably do the big brother T-shirt thing....they're going to flip. I can't wait!!

We love you little one. I hope your brief time inside me wasn't painful or scary, and I wish I could've met you.

Today

Oh my god. You guys. Today he said mama for the first time. Over and over again.

Heart asploded.

Favorite Things

I have to stop myself sometimes. From the consumerism. From buying this little person everything out there. Right now he doesn't even care. He starts getting into zippers and buttons and I think, Oh! I could go get one of those dog toys with zippers and buttons! While he is content to play with the ones on my shirt. He loves my car keys...and I think, Oh! I could buy him that set of car keys for babies I saw at Target! While I can also just detach the key I need from its ring and give him the rest to play with. I love showing him new things though, I love blowing his mind. The first time we bounced a ball in front of him he wouldn't stop giggling...I would do most anything to make him giggle like that over and over again. And I have to stop and think, that buying him everything isn't what's going to make him happy. Buying him everything now may set a precedent too....one that my pocketbook can't keep up with once he's into Xboxes and Hockey.

But I also stopped to think about my childhood. About the things that stuck with me. The things that made me the happiest. And mostly it wasn't things. It was my parents tucking me into bed every night and kissing us goodnight. The way they used to make the blankets fly up above us, and make us laugh right before going to sleep. Sunday mornings climbing into my parents bed with the newspaper and reading the funnies, all 5 of us up there, plus the cat (and - is that even going to happen anymore? Everyone climbing in bed to read the kindle doesn't sound as great as spreading the paper all over the bed. I'm mourning the downturn of the paper). Making pillow forts out of the couch cushions. Roughhousing. Trips to the Y with my dad, swimming, basketball, and exploring...and always the smell of spilled coffee in his car. Baking cookies and pretending we were in the batter. Licking the spoon. Shopping with my mom. Summer trips to Valleyfair, and we always had a picnic lunch in the back of the car. Swimming pools in the backyard. Those twilight summer games that would spontaneously happen with the neighbor kids - kick the can, red rover, some ghost game. Playing in the woods - god we loved to play in the woods. We played so hard sometimes! Building snow forts. Sledding, and coming in for hot chocolate. Fires in the fireplace and telling ghost stories. Sitting in the gutter and letting the water stream over our backs when it rained (we lived in a cul-de-sac, there was no traffic - don't judge!). Summer weekends at the cabin, and smells are such a huge part of my memory, I can literally taste the grass and sunscreen while I'm writing this. Bonfires at the cabin. Mom making pancakes for breakfast. Driving home from any holiday at my grandparents. I will never feel as safe and secure as I used to feel falling asleep in the car coming home from a holiday. There is an unmatched exhaustion after playing with your cousins and gorging yourself on food, and an unmatched sense of security experienced in the presence of your parents as a child. I will probably never feel that secure, and never sleep that well again. Too many adult worries and responsibilities. And you don't appreciate that while you have it, if you knew how little control and security your parents really had over the world, you wouldn't have it anyways.

And oh! How I hope I can afford these things for my son! How I hope I can give him half of the security and contentment that my parents gave me.

Nothing better to do

Look! What's this? No way!!! A picture from Italy? I finally chose one from the 1500+ pictures we took. This is Venice...we had a nice irish couple take our picture for us....it is actually one of the fakest looking backdrops...which is the amazing thing about Venice, it's what the backdrops are trying to be. It is what all the faux finishing yearns to accomplish. Right after this picture, we were splashed by a wave. We were snowed in this weekend. We don't have a fireplace....it's the only option we had.

Check it out. There's a real baby in there that must really be growing. That or I had too many christmas cookies. I know my vote. This is weeks 8-16. It's interesting to me that some of them look bigger the week before than the week after.

One thing I forgot to mention in my weekly update....the anger. I was so angry last week and I couldn't figure out why. I wanted to chop someones head off and Chris sure did try to keep getting in the way of my axe. So what did I do? I went to dr google. I googled "pregnancy and anger". Pretty funny, right? So I was reading, having mood swings is normal, no matter what they are, but there was a particular website that really hit home. I don't know many women who like gaining weight, and it's been coming on fast for me and it's not something I'm used to. This website said that many women may get frustrated at all the things they can't do anymore, that their bodies have been somewhat hijacked. I am definitely feeling that, working out is so different than it was before I got pregnant. I huff and puff, my hips hurt, my ligaments hurt, and I am just supposed to go easy. I haven't been able to run for a couple of weeks, I've done a lot more walking and just more basic activity and I'm used to SWEATING. I love to work out hard, it really helps me mentally and helps regulate my moods, which is something I need help with. I miss it, and it's something I can't wait to get back. So this website said to remember:

You are your baby's shelter, his home, and his life. Be proud of what you're accomplishing. It is amazing.

The anger disappeared, I have goosebumps just thinking about that past sentence. I am humbled, amazed, and overwhelmed that this little life is growing inside me. That I can house something so precious and give it life. It's beyond my comprehension. My body is working hard in a new way...I'll sacrifice what I need to for now.

Mi Casa

I was kind of depressed about money this week. We talked to someone about refinancing and decided not to do it, mostly because not much, if any, equity has built into our house. We're not totally sure about that because of all the updates we've done, but we'd have to spend some money to save the money and it probably just isn't worth the risk (or do I mean heartbreak?) of having it appraised. So anyways.....

I walked out the door to get my paper this morning and realized that I had been taking it for granted lately that it would still be there. Over the last four years living in our house my paper has always been on the front stoop on Sunday mornings. A little thing, but it wasn't always this way.

Chris and I lived in apartments for a little over four years before moving into our house. We started getting the Sunday paper not long after we moved out of our parent's houses but getting the paper (or anything, really) delivered to an apartment was kind of like an easter egg hunt. Deliveries, and the papers, were always left in the communal area that was also unlocked to the public so whoever got there first got the best stuff. I'm not saying this happened constantly, normally our paper would be there. I'm an early riser, so that definitely helped. But there were many mornings when the paper just wouldn't be there. So we'd have to call the Star Tribune and they would come out and bring us one personally before noon. They never complained, even though I'm sure they delivered that first paper. I think one of my favorite mornings was when someone had taken my paper but left the bill for it on the top of my mailbox (our paper bill comes with our paper). Thoughtful! Oh, and the time Chris went down and found a drunk using our paper as his pillow....we decided to pass on the paper that day.

I think I wanted to write this because of all the press about declining home values and maybe it's not the investment it used to be. Truthfully, I don't believe that home values will decline forever. Everything will reach balance again, it has to (nature abhors a vacuum, right?). I really do hate doomsayers. But what I'm really trying to say is that owning a home is, well, priceless. To us anyways. It's about the afternoons in our backyard on OUR deck grilling out, or being able to paint (and paint and paint again) our walls any color we damn well want. It's about having a garage and not worrying about our cars being towed for the apartments own snow emergency in the morning. It's about not hearing the people in the apartment above you express their love....or their hate. It's also about personal responsibility. The shoveling, the mowing, the upkeep of EVERYTHING, the remodeling, the bills, and of course the savings account that is there just in case something goes wrong with the house. But it's on our terms, and it's our space. It means something to us and we've made it ours.

I love our house and I love our neighbors. It may not be a perfect house, it's small, it needs another main floor bedroom, we'd love a two car garage, and of course it has it's cracks and quirks, but with anything one loves, those things don't become it's defining qualities, they become part of it's character, or at worse, part of the background noise. But I'm happy here and I have no regrets.

Our backyard in the early spring