Next

It's pre-dawn. I'm up because I can't sleep. I'm so excited. So anxious. So nervous. Last night was Eliot's last night sleeping in this house. Tonight is my last night, and today we pack. It's so weird, I remember moving in here, crying after everyone had left just because. Becase I was overwhelmed, excited, anxious, nervous. I wonder if I'll be able to sleep Saturday. With the new smells and sounds. More importantly I wonder if Eliot will be able to sleep.
I can't believe we spent 7 years here. I feel so old when I say that. It went by so fast. In 7 more years I'll be 39 and Eliot will be 9. I'm not ready.
Eliot is up. The weekend of moving has begun....wish us luck.

We're Really Doing This

We're moving. We've made an offer on a house, had an inspection, have a closing date. And we are not selling our current home. I'm so scared. This is the riskiest financial move we have ever made. Probably the riskiest thing I've done with my credit or reputation since Chris and I moved into an apartment together when I was 20 and he was 19 and we had been dating for only 6 months. What was I thinking? That ended well though...so maybe I need to take more risks. I can't believe I'm going to be a landlord. Please give me some nice, quiet, easy tenants. We will actually be making money. But we are now responsible for two houses worth of maintenance. Two houses worth of quirks and things that go wrong or break. I feel like we've fixed damn near everything in our current house at least once, sometimes twice. I hope that the houses can stay in good shape for the next couple years. I hope.

But when I think of the space that we're gaining, and the 3 car garage Chris will have, and that Eliot will have his own room so that I can get into my pajamas somewhere other than our living room and I can plant a garden and there are woods and good schools and little boys right next door and we'll have a play room and a guest room and more room than we'll know what to do with right now....I can't help but be excited and think this is the right decision for us.

So Angry I'm Shaking

I don't usually post much controversial on here. But I read Balancing Jane's piece last night and I'm so upset about it. I think a lot of it is what I recently went through with discovering that my baby was no longer alive but still inside of me. I know that what he's saying would not have affected my exact situation, but it could've in a few short weeks. I don't know if you really know how that feels until you've been there. It's traumatizing. Does anyone tell the cow that its' calf isn't going to survive? Does the cow get a choice? Does it have to sit and think about the fact that it's baby either isn't alive or will die within hours of its first breath? Sir, you do not know how terrible and awful that choice is to make, and how personal. I am so humbled by those who have had to make a choice. So humbled by their strength that I am intimidated to even post a comment on their blog. When I first found out my baby was gone I thought I could wait for things to happen naturally....I made it 4 days and I about lost my mind. It was my choice though. It scares me that people want to take those choices away.

Also, it doesn't bother me when someone compares people to animals. I feel that we do a lot of the same things and feel a lot of the same things. I was a vegetarian for over 15 years, I respect animals. But as Balancing Jane pointed out, he compared just womens reproductive issues to animals and to playing god. What about cancer? What about drugs? What about the entire medical establishment? SERIOUSLY! Why is it just women?!

In short - hands off Mr. England. Rant over.

Where Else Can I Brag?

I know it's not cool to brag too much about your kid, but I am so impressed my 20 month old can count to 10! It's not 100% reliable, but he does it about 75% of the time!! Ok, so since I know almost nothing about child development maybe he's way behind, but I am freaking impressed if you can't tell by all my exclamation points!! (!!!)

I'm also depressed by the fact that I used the phrase "he'll be 2 in June" instead of "he's 20 months" the other day. Where the heck did this last year go? Why has time suddenly accelerated? Is science looking into this phenomenon?

So, that other news. We're house hunting! We have decided to rent out our current house and buy another one. We listed our current place on craigslist and people were tripping all over themselves to rent it, we literally had 3 people ready to apply for the lease and had to cancel on a dozen more. So we did what any good business person would do, we didn't rent it to any of them. Ha. We're actually going to put it back up in a couple of weeks for $100 more/month. I am confident we'll be able to rent the place one way or another. Which is awesome, because I am so excited to move. Well, not excited to actually do the moving part, but to be in a space that is more suited to our needs. I'm drooling over kitchens and yards and bathrooms, while Chris is drooling over garages and sheds. We're aiming to have it all...

Vacation Update - We're Back

I know, I've been absent posting for a while. It's been crazy. Work has been crazy, life has been crazy, I've been working at getting my head back on straight, and one tiny little person takes up an inordinately large portion of my time. I know, Eliot turned 19 and 20 months old without a peep from me about it. I think I'm kind of done with monthly updates other than I would like to make it a goal to post at least once a month. He's bigger better and sassier than ever.

In fun-ner news we went on vacation! To Florida! Want to see pictures? Of course you do:

 There was an alligator in the pond by our hotel. Turtles attack alligators! Did you know that?

 See how brave we are? Standing over the alligator pond with our only son?

 We taught our brilliant son to play life-sized chess. He just wanted to move the horses.

 We saw dolphins at SeaWorld! He loved them - made dolphin noises for hours.

 We had to make friends with all the metal animal sculptures.

 And then he overdid it.

 We went to visit family and the ocean. It was unfortunately a cold, blustery day and we only stayed for about 2 minutes. It was also unfortunate that this is the only picture I got of me with the family I haven't seen in probably 11 years. They were so nice and hospitable and an absolutely adorable family - I'm glad I'm related!

 Eliot didn't really get the ocean.

 Can you feel the expansiveness of it though? It feels so cool - I love edges, ends, beginnings, the promise of new things ahead.

 Look at this brave little guy! I thought he wouldn't really be into rides or anything when we went to Busch Gardens.

 Despite what his face looks like here he is repeating "Whee" over and over again.

 Another surprise since he's usually so shy - he loved the characters! Went right up and high-fived them.

 What a way to travel. I'm jealous.

 Elephants are a favorite.

 We are on a train here. Notice his hands nicely folded. That is his having fun face. Just believe me, he had a total meltdown when we had to get off.

 Notice my hands - so he is paying attention.

 I would have to say his favorite part was chasing the almost tamed birds though.

 Mom's relaxing time - kindle and an iced tea on the condo porch after an outdoor morning run. Ah, heaven.

 Swimming outside in February - so cool. Other than the whole alligator, deadly snakes, and ridiculous summer heat Florida is sounding mighty tempting. And is this not the most hilarious little wet suit?

Then we came home. And he started doing this (all by himself). Oh my goodness, you are more your mother's child than you realize little boy. You play just like I did.

So that's it for now! There's other things I need to write down here, like we've decided what we're doing with our house and it involves hopefully moving this summer. Exciting stuff - but more on everything else later.



Some days the good outweighs the bad

So lately I have had more days where I haven't cried than ones where I have, and although I will always. Always. love and miss the baby we lost, I finally feel like I am going to be able to move forward. I feel like I can have conversations with people and not randomly break down in tears. I feel like a good mother again, because for a while I wasn't. I was selfish and hurting and needed to grieve. But today. Today was a good day.

Today was a balmy 44 degrees, almost unheard of for a Minnesota January day. We went and bought new shoes (6 wides - my fat footed little guy!), and a walk sounded like just the perfect thing to get out of the house, with the sidewalks having melted and being so clear of snow for my tentative walker!

Oh you guys, we discovered puddles. I am not a mom to stop a kid from playing in a puddle, even after spending an obscene amount of money for stride rites.

 
And just look at that face. How could I deny the joy on that face (and next stop Target, where we will be investing in a pair of rubber boots for the spring)? Also, as I knew it would, it ended with a face plant in a puddle. We made it almost an hour though - with some frozen toes for proof.

He kept running from puddle to puddle shouting, "This one, this one!" Because I kept pointing to puddles and asking him, "What about this one?"

And this one. My keeper, my heart. You were worth every sleepless night, every penny spent. Every moment I spend with you is the best use of my time I can think of. Thank you for slowing me down to enjoy the puddles in life. And that's why we have these little people, right? Because in the end they're worth every pain they induce. So today was not without tears, but definitely one of the good ones with more in sight.

Beautiful

In the Buddhist tradition, babies that are miscarried, lost, or still born are souls that are only one step away from Nirvana (the Buddhist idea of heaven, where all souls go when they’ve completed their journey on earth). All those souls needed were to be wanted and loved one last time and they get to move on.