Neglect

Today I am 13 weeks 2 days pregnant. Today I saw our baby on an ultrasound and heard the words "everything looks normal." What a great thing to hear. I didn't cry all day until about 10 hours later as I was rocking Eliot later, singing to him about peanuts and trains. And then suddenly I sobbed - catching both of us completely off guard. Because yesterday I was convinced something was wrong. Yesterday I was convinced this wasn't really happening. Up until today, I hadn't really mentally participated in this pregnancy. I couldn't. I was so scared. So I haven't written anything here in weeks. Not even about the house or Eliot or anything because I think I had put up such a wall that I couldn't even face myself. Such a wall that it took my 10 hours to even react to the news that this baby is ok.
I know nothing is guaranteed. But we all know nothing is guaranteed for any of us from day to day, but for today I know that the biggest hurdle of the first trimester is over now. And our baby looks normal. Such a boring word for such a wondorously amazing thing. Thank you for normal.
Now I can look to tomorrow. Look to finally take down this wall I've built so I can really welcome this baby into our family.
I'm happy. Over the moon. Really. I can't wait for you to come home little one. Your family is ready for you.

Two

A 2 year old with better things to do than have his picture taken.

Eliot -

It pains me to think that you won't remember this year. We all had so much fun, especially you. You started walking and started talking in sentences. You are sweet, love to cuddle when you're tired, love water, love to swing (ok, that one has never stopped), love to sing, love to play "get you" for hours, love to run up and down "hee-lls" (that's hills, with two syllables and a southern accent), love cartoons, games, trains, trucks, tractors, and you are always asking to go outside. You are so adorable sometimes I just want to eat you. You've become a lot more independent though (and therefore let me nibble on your knees less often), and lately have taken to pointing at yourself and proudly stating "I do it!" or "I Eliot!" Yes darling, yes you are. You are so you now, so much your own person and I am so proud of you.

You are my joy, but you are stubborn. This year has introduced us to picky toddler eating. There are things I know you'd love (like pie! Sweet delicious pie!) that you refuse to even put in your mouth because you haven't seen them before. I have to make sure I pick my battles with you because you'll win unless I physically prevent you from something, which really feels unfair, and I'm sure you hate it too.

Most nights you still join us in bed around 3am, but we don't mind. I think I miss you too by 3am. Speaking of 3am, did I mention how loud you are? You have no inside voice, everything is a yell, and stated about 20 times (ship! ship! ship! choochoo! choochoo! choochoo! pizza! pizza! pizza!). You just have to make sure people are paying attention. Listen to you yell Mamadada (sometimes we are one entity) over and over at 3 in the morning is a little less cute.
Our new nightly routine consists of "books in bed" as you call it. Where we attempt to limit you to four seven books to read in our bed. When we're headed to the bedroom you'll look at me and say "Mama too? Mama too?" Just to make sure I'm coming. It breaks my heart every night little boy because I know some day you will not be cuddling between your mom and dad in bed reading stories, you will probably hate being reminded that you ever did. There will be a last "Mama too?" a last "books in bed" just as there was a last time you had a bottle, sat in the baby swing, sat in a bouncy chair. It's so funny how we used to use those things so often and then never even noticed when we stopped. Will I notice your last "Mama too?" I'm pretty sure I won't, I'll just look back at some point and realize we don't do that anymore. As this time-warp of a year has proven, I only have a short time with you like this. That I have to jar "Mama too?" up in a bottle and keep it close to my heart, as sappy as that sounds. (Being a mom has given me a whole new capacity for sappiness, don't even try and stop it). But Eliot, no matter how big you get I will always come when you need me. I'll strive to be whatever you'll need me for at the time, even though I love your two year old needs for now and wish they could always be this simple. I know some day you might need me to disappear for a while, or drop you off at a corner, but just know you can always have your Mama too when you need her. That's the beauty of growing up though. You keep moving on to something more fun, more appropriate for your age and abilities, and you always let us know when it's time to move on as long as we listen.

I love you Eliot. I can't wait to see where you take us next. Happy second birthday.

Rounding the 5th week

I'm scared to even write this post. I'm scared of the possible negative outcomes. I'm so scared to open up my heart to this baby, knowing that it could all end so quickly. But here we are, and I'm 5 weeks pregnant, and no matter what I say I know that I am head over heels for this little one and there's nothing I can do about it. I know I have been more reserved about this pregnancy, I've been slower to get excited about things, taking my time with planning anything, not really even bringing much up with Chris. I just don't want to get too far ahead of myself, but sweet baby, I love you so much already and you're so wanted and I hope with all my might that we get to meet you and take you home. Please be ok in there. There's so much love and amazingness out here and a big brother who would love to meet you too.
Love,
Mama

Next

It's pre-dawn. I'm up because I can't sleep. I'm so excited. So anxious. So nervous. Last night was Eliot's last night sleeping in this house. Tonight is my last night, and today we pack. It's so weird, I remember moving in here, crying after everyone had left just because. Becase I was overwhelmed, excited, anxious, nervous. I wonder if I'll be able to sleep Saturday. With the new smells and sounds. More importantly I wonder if Eliot will be able to sleep.
I can't believe we spent 7 years here. I feel so old when I say that. It went by so fast. In 7 more years I'll be 39 and Eliot will be 9. I'm not ready.
Eliot is up. The weekend of moving has begun....wish us luck.

We're Really Doing This

We're moving. We've made an offer on a house, had an inspection, have a closing date. And we are not selling our current home. I'm so scared. This is the riskiest financial move we have ever made. Probably the riskiest thing I've done with my credit or reputation since Chris and I moved into an apartment together when I was 20 and he was 19 and we had been dating for only 6 months. What was I thinking? That ended well though...so maybe I need to take more risks. I can't believe I'm going to be a landlord. Please give me some nice, quiet, easy tenants. We will actually be making money. But we are now responsible for two houses worth of maintenance. Two houses worth of quirks and things that go wrong or break. I feel like we've fixed damn near everything in our current house at least once, sometimes twice. I hope that the houses can stay in good shape for the next couple years. I hope.

But when I think of the space that we're gaining, and the 3 car garage Chris will have, and that Eliot will have his own room so that I can get into my pajamas somewhere other than our living room and I can plant a garden and there are woods and good schools and little boys right next door and we'll have a play room and a guest room and more room than we'll know what to do with right now....I can't help but be excited and think this is the right decision for us.

So Angry I'm Shaking

I don't usually post much controversial on here. But I read Balancing Jane's piece last night and I'm so upset about it. I think a lot of it is what I recently went through with discovering that my baby was no longer alive but still inside of me. I know that what he's saying would not have affected my exact situation, but it could've in a few short weeks. I don't know if you really know how that feels until you've been there. It's traumatizing. Does anyone tell the cow that its' calf isn't going to survive? Does the cow get a choice? Does it have to sit and think about the fact that it's baby either isn't alive or will die within hours of its first breath? Sir, you do not know how terrible and awful that choice is to make, and how personal. I am so humbled by those who have had to make a choice. So humbled by their strength that I am intimidated to even post a comment on their blog. When I first found out my baby was gone I thought I could wait for things to happen naturally....I made it 4 days and I about lost my mind. It was my choice though. It scares me that people want to take those choices away.

Also, it doesn't bother me when someone compares people to animals. I feel that we do a lot of the same things and feel a lot of the same things. I was a vegetarian for over 15 years, I respect animals. But as Balancing Jane pointed out, he compared just womens reproductive issues to animals and to playing god. What about cancer? What about drugs? What about the entire medical establishment? SERIOUSLY! Why is it just women?!

In short - hands off Mr. England. Rant over.

Where Else Can I Brag?

I know it's not cool to brag too much about your kid, but I am so impressed my 20 month old can count to 10! It's not 100% reliable, but he does it about 75% of the time!! Ok, so since I know almost nothing about child development maybe he's way behind, but I am freaking impressed if you can't tell by all my exclamation points!! (!!!)

I'm also depressed by the fact that I used the phrase "he'll be 2 in June" instead of "he's 20 months" the other day. Where the heck did this last year go? Why has time suddenly accelerated? Is science looking into this phenomenon?

So, that other news. We're house hunting! We have decided to rent out our current house and buy another one. We listed our current place on craigslist and people were tripping all over themselves to rent it, we literally had 3 people ready to apply for the lease and had to cancel on a dozen more. So we did what any good business person would do, we didn't rent it to any of them. Ha. We're actually going to put it back up in a couple of weeks for $100 more/month. I am confident we'll be able to rent the place one way or another. Which is awesome, because I am so excited to move. Well, not excited to actually do the moving part, but to be in a space that is more suited to our needs. I'm drooling over kitchens and yards and bathrooms, while Chris is drooling over garages and sheds. We're aiming to have it all...