One.

They say that you don't really know how much your parents love you until you have your own children. And, my sweet boy, I have to tell you that they (whoever the heck they are) are right. You really don't. One day Eliot, I hope you have children of your own and think back on your relationship with your old mom....and give her a call (or text or email or whatever it is you kids will be doing 30 years from now) and tell her you love her (and here's me - HI MOM! HI DAD! Thanks for having me!!). Because this year; this crazy, time-warp, rollercoaster-y, whilrwind of a year; has been the most incredible year of my life. When you were first born I felt like the grinch - my heart grew right out of my chest. You made me believe in love at first sight. I have never loved another person like I have loved you, and this is not to discount the love I have for your father or anyone else because it's real and amazing in a different way, but my feelings for you, my protectiveness over you, my joy in your joy, my pain in your pain...you have changed who I am as a person forever. You make me want to be a better person, and that is the nicest compliment I can think of giving anyone. I hope to be enough for you, enough to raise you right. I hope to be able to always accept you for who you are, and help you to be the best you possible. I hope that I have the knowledge to know when to hold on and when to let go....but forgive me if I default to holding on when I don't know any better.

And seeing your father with you - this man who I fell in love with so long ago now - and how amazing he is with you and how he is the only other person in the world who shares in being your parent. I have fallen even harder in love with him through you. I've seen him, some nights, watching you sleep. Just as amazed as I am at the incredible person you are and the fact that something so beautiful and unique and incredible came from him, me, us. I've seen him hold you while you sleep, not putting you down on purpose, just to get a few more minutes (or hours) to spend with you. He loves to make you laugh, and he's good at it. He is so excited to be your friend. You should see how willing he is to make a fool out of himself around you - just to make you happy (and believe me, this is not a man to be a fool very often). He's spent hours blowing bubbles for you, hours blowing raspberries and making funny faces at you, entire evenings sitting outside and watching the cars pass by our house, and hours rocking you late at night when you can't sleep and I need to. He's changed for the better too. He's an amazing and loving man, and I couldn't imagine a better father for you. I did pretty good in the dad department, didn't I?


This has been the shortest and longest year of my life. I'm not going to lie, having a baby is hard work. I have had to summon up more patience than I ever knew existed, and I have survived on less sleep than I thought was possible. And I'm sorry if I failed you sometimes, wasn't the mother you deserve. It'll happen again though, and I hope you understand that I will always try to do my best. But oh, I don't want this year to be over. I can already see the face of a little boy in you, and I understand why mom's fight so hard against that first hair cut. In a year of firsts, I want to leave my baby a baby a little longer. I know you're not grown up yet, and I'll look back on one and wish I had it back too, but right now you're continuing on that trajectory of growing up way too fast. Where are you going in such a hurry?

Those first few weeks really felt like they stood still. I remember my friends talking about their 4 month old, their 6 month old, 9 month old, and I thought - not my baby, that's so old! It'll be forever until he's that old. I used to say things like "he's three and a half weeks," because you were a different baby to me within that half a week, because sometimes that half week made a world of difference. Day by day you break my heart and grow away from that newborn boy they placed purple and slimy and so very beautiful on my chest one year ago today. And here we are at one. When did years become so short?

Watching you grow this last year has been nothing short of a miracle. I'm not an expert in babies or human development, so I really had just a general idea that you would someday walk, talk, and interact. Watching you develop from this little bundle of grunts and random jerky motions into a smiling, laughing, grabbing, sometimes screaming, interacting, talking, mobile little boy...all within a year? It's the coolest thing I've ever seen. What an incredible difference the first year makes!

Sometimes I wonder what we did without you. I wonder why we waited so long for you, because it feels like you complete us. I love saying the word family, and it was you who made us into that. Although I miss the days when we could leave the house at a moments notice, stay out past 7:30 and sleep in past 6 am, you are more fun than any of that. I never realized what I didn't have. Because while we struggled to conceive I sometimes questioned if I really needed a child, not knowing how it would be, and if it was worth the heartache, the waiting, the wondering. But you have surpassed my wildest dreams. There is no word in my vocabulary, no word in any language for how amazing you are to me. You are worth any trip to the moon and back.

I hope you remember, and that you will always know, how all encompassing my love for you is. And even though I know in these coming years I will scream at you, you will scream at me, and we'll both roll our eyes at each other, get frustrated with the other, and sometimes want to be nowhere near each other, I will always love you. Always. And I will always be your mom, and somewhere in there you will always be that sweet beautiful baby I first fell in love with. I love you Eli, my big guy, my little bug, with all my heart and more. Happy First Birthday.

"You Were Born" - Cloud Cult

"Wild Thing" - Misty Miller

This time last year

I've been feeling bitersweetly nostalgic the past month. I can't stop thinking about what was happening this time last year. How I was unknowingly 17 days away from meeting a baby that would change my life forever. How I was huge, hungry, and uncomfortable and so ready to be DONE. I was just so done being pregnant. And now how I miss it sometimes. How I was looking at 12 weeks off of work. How I didn't know how amazing and incredibly hard those weeks and this past year would actually be! I'm weaning from pumping at work, and although I can't wait to be done, there's something bittersweet about that too. I can't believe it's almost been a year. I can't believe it's only been a year.

11 months



11 months! And we're a little too near bedtime in this picture for a smile.

This is what he really thought of our picture taking.

Easter chicks.

Little break in the grass while mom was out for a run. I'm loving those eyelashes!

Helping us paint the house. He held the tape.

Hamming it up for the camera - this is our camera smile now.

This kid will seriously eat anything - lunch of pitas, hummus, and feta! YUM!

 This month brings the word exploded to mine. Your abilities have just absolutely exploded.

You say hi, wave bye, clap (tee hee - I love this one), dance to songs, sing along, squeal, and often sound like you're having a conversation. You are a ham - you smile for the camera now - so soon! You love attention, especially from girls, and flirt with everyone! If you're fussy, all we have to do is meet a new person and you turn on the charm. You give high fives regularly, you play with toy cars, roll them on the floor with the wheels down and say vroom (more like vmmmm). You eat everything we do - you get angry if we don't feed you what we're having. Sometimes you eat so much it surprises me. You always want to walk with us. You haven't really taken any steps yet unassisted, but can stand for a little while on your own, and you can walk while holding just one of our hands. You're getting so much stronger so very fast. You'll play by yourself for longer periods of time....usually if you see me you want to be walking around with me though - you play better with your dad. You're funny - you'll crack up at us and we crack up right back. We'll just sit and laugh at each other. You knocked your mouth into the table the other day - it was the first time I've seen you bleed and I'm proud of how calm I was - the first of many cuts and scrapes that childhood will bring.

One more month to go and you'll have a year under your belt. I can't believe it. Cheers to you little man, you've made this one hell of a ride so far.

A life update

Seems like all the talk around here is about that one guy...what's his name again? Oh yea, my son, Eliot. I can't get enough of that guy.But! I do have other things that I do. Really! The world keeps turning even though I'm a mom and totally infatuated with my firstborn...and in denial about the fact that he's going to be one in approximately a month's time.
The cat. He came this close (imagine really close fingers here) to joining that big litter box in the sky. Traxx turned 10 on the first (HOLYSHIT - Chris and I bought that cat together, as a kitten - and he's 10! I am old.) and he went downhill fast. There was a lot of losing weight, peeing gratuitously on everything, and me thinking that I don't want a cat who pees on everything while mourning the fact of - my cat! My first fur-baby! But it turns out it was a UTI, amongst other things. He's....well....he's got a diagnosis that means he has a limited amount of time left with us. A few years at best, but he's back in action just in time to longingly stare out the windows at the birds nesting in our gutters. Stupid birds.
The dog. He's doing awesome. I was so proud of us for "fixing" his leg issues but it turns out that he's just been so well rested that they fixed themselves! That's right! We never take the poor guy anywhere! So when the vet came over and told us he's 103 pounds of beastly furriness, I about fell off my chair (he should be around 80-90). I really thought what the vet called his love handles were his ribs. I should probably stop telling myself that when I look in a mirror too. Daly is now on a diet and a strict exercise regimen (where strict = when we can get out of the house he comes with). He hates the diet, loves the exercise, and he's already looking svelter (is that even a word? Blogger is accepting it). If I could just keep him out from under the high chair.
We're actively pursuing selling our house. So this does have something to do with our progeny, because these little people take up about 10 times the room of a normal sized person, but we knew we wouldn't be there forever either. In talking to a realtor we're close to breaking even (SOB - after 6 years of payments and tens of thousands of dollars invested into the place), but that's a good thing. It could be worse. We're painting the outside and we bought the stuff to start projects and it is sitting in corners collecting dust are doing a few minor updates, but may even list this fall. If not, we'll list next spring. Although we do have to list without our awesome winery rain barrel. We forgot about the barrel while wiping a poopy butt didn't winterize it properly and the bottom basically exploded. I am so looking forward to house shopping because THE DEALS! Even though we have to come up with another down payment, we'll get into our forever house for a really great price.
Chris and I? We're hanging in there. I basically rely on Chris to be superhuman, and he nearly always lives up to my expectations. But seriously I am sometimes surprised when he goes to take a nap or something - I forget how much I ask of him. I'm sometimes overwhelmed - with work, babies, animals, houses, but I'm happy. Who wouldn't be waking up to this guy every morning?

10 Months

10 monther!



Causing trouble with the bear.

 

Not even sure what he's done himself.





Tell me what you really think.



The boys and their hats.

Perfunctory baby in bath with a mohawk picture.

BUBBLES!!!

The most important men in my life. I love this picture!!!

Captain Adorable!

Look at him standing!



New Jammies.



The introduction to sand didn't go over so well.

Where did the time go?





I see you every day, and looking back I see you've changed and grown so much, but it happens so gradually before my eyes. Where is my newborn? Where is the little bug that we brought home? Your legs have straightened and stretched out, my little bug man is no more. Although there have been days where I wake up and see you and can literally see how much you've grown overnight. You're growing that fast. And every day you get a little better at the things you couldn't do the day before. You can stand a little longer, scoot a little better, eat a little bit bigger pieces of food, say new things. And I'm so very proud of you, want to tell people all the little things you do that are so cute - when you sign milk you do it upside down behind your ear, when you're really tired you start blowing raspberries over and over. Do you know how hard it is to rock a baby to sleep when they're blowing raspberries? All I want to do is giggle - and that starts you laughing! When you want to make indian wah-wah noises you do it with the back of your hand instead of the front. You've learned to click your tongue - and mimic us when we do it - and we discovered when you hear ladies in high heels on hard floors you start clicking your tongue to mimic the sound!





You still love to sit on the front steps and watch the cars go by, you crane your neck for each one. You can say hi and bye. You love to stand holding onto the couch, and can walk along getting what you want. You army crawl and roll your way to whatever you want on the floor, which is usually the remote control. You are definitely mobile. You can take bites of food now, and chew, and you don't gag! You can even pick some of it up yourself. We share all our meals now, you're eating basically everything we eat - and you like it all, even the Indian take out.





On Tuesdays and Thursdays when I leave you at daycare you cry. It hurts so bad. But I listen at the door and once it's shut you only let out one more sob, and then they say you're fine. You like to make your mama feel guilty! And you are pretty attached to me right now. If I'm around you want me to hold you, which is so, so awesome...except for when I'm trying to eat something that needs 2 hands.

You can still be very serious, but love to flirt with checkout girls and waitresses. There's always a smile for the pretty ladies. Fathers hide your daughters - you're too cute for your own good.



9.5

Stats only. We had a late appointment this month
Weight: 18 lbs, 2 oz
Height: 27 inches
Head: 47 cm

And am I the only one who finds the fact that they mix metric and English units annoying? You're like a little baby caricature - in the 7th percentile for height, 15th percentile for weight, and 92nd percentile for head size. The most adorable caricature ever.

9 months

This guy does not want to sit still anymore.

Look ma - the bear can fly!

Good conversation.

And there's our smile!

Maybe I can take your face off?



Looking like he did something very wrong.



Hardcore toy playing.



Looking a little smug.

I love shadows!



Eliot's first St Patty's Day. Passed out and puke all over himself - typical Irishman.

Concentrating on learning to use those fingers.

Zeroing in on the crumbs.

Leave me alone mom.

It's been a rough, long winter. We are all excited that the weather is warming up and we're getting outside more. Your first winter was the fifth snowiest winter on record. We've seen way too much of the white stuff this year and are looking forward to being outside.
When I think about how much you've changed in the last 9 months it overwhelms me. You've been in the world as long as you were inside me. These past 18 months you started as a speck, no bigger across than the tip of a pencil, into a beautiful, yet so very helpless, little newborn, into this little person. A little person who is starting to make his own wants and ideas known more and more. I read somewhere that when newborns come out they miss the womb, and I really believe you did. You weren't fully formed, you almost needed something we couldn't give you because you wanted to be safe inside me and everything was so very overwhelming. Now you are a true inhabitant of the world...and you love it.
You are good at hurtling yourself in the direction that you want to go, but you're not really moving yet. You can crawl backwards, but that just ends up frustrating you more. You're able to go from a sitting position into a crawling position, but not quite vice-versa yet. You love to stand and walk with someone holding you, or hold on to things while you stand. If I let you go for a few seconds you'll balance on your own.
You have said Mama, but I don't think you know what it means. You've signed milk, but I'm not sure you're connecting the two...and you're always signing milk (so maybe you are connecting the two...you are such a snacker, you want to eat all the time). You will say hi to us, wave goodbye sometimes, say bye, and give high fives. I don't believe you know what you're saying with anything yet though - just mimicing - but it's so exciting to hear you start to talk. You can also click your tongue - and will do it on command. You can thank your grandma for that one - she's always clicking her tonge at you! You've also learned to scream. I took you to Target this month and you spent the whole time screaming (happily) over and over again in the store. It was so cute. I think I love this age because I don't have to discipline you or try and quiet you.
You hate having your clothes changed. You love baths, love your parents, love the cat and dog, love windows and outside, and love books. You even have preferences of which books you like the best. Your favorites are Brown Bear, Brown Bear and a Dr Seuss one, Wet Pet Dry Pet Your Pet My Pet. We read books every night before bed now and you help turn the pages. You are so playful now, and interested in everything as you see it...like dust! cat! dog! food! Mama!!  You're just so aware of what's going on around you!
You're eating more and more food all the time. Your favorite is sweet potatos with apples...and I don't disagree with you, it is amazing. You sit with us at meals and have little bites of what we're having, and practice trying to pick up food yourself. It keeps you very busy.
Some sleep switch flipped in you when you turned 8 months old and you've been sleeping SO MUCH BETTER. It was bad, kid. I really don't know how I functioned. You're going 4-6 hour stretches (except at the moment because you're teething) and you're able to wake up and go back to sleep - by yourself. I went through four months of 1-2 hour stretches of sleep a night max. And I didn't sell you. You're welcome.
You're still a small baby but you have such an enormous head. Consider that a gift from your parents, welcome to the world of not being able to find hats that fit. You have your top two teeth and bottom two teeth - the ones next to your top two are just about to come in. You are beautiful and perfect and I think you are the handsomest baby I've ever seen. Next month - double digits!