9 weeks - Shiny! New! Improved! Yet, Old! and the Same!

So despite the fact that I haven't even posted any of these yet, so nobody out there could be bored, I am totally bored with that list of questions! Seriously, the repetitiveness and the questions that I won't be able to answer for another 6 months? I can't even come up with snarky replies to them.

I'm late this week - 4 days late posting. I've been exhausted, run down, fatigued, running on zero. I have been lower than I ever thought my body could go. And yet? What a week! We had an ultrasound last Monday. And check out this picture of a picture of a fuzzy somewhat gummy-bear baby! Complete with a heartbeat!!! A heartbeat you guys!!! I'm tearing up right now just thinking about it. Hi Baby!!!

Lots of ups and downs otherwise, I had a couple of days I felt great, and then many that were not so great. My favorite food is still a Jimmy Johns #13, no mayo, no avocado, with sauce and extra tomatos on wheat. Oh yum. And I love milk.

Unfortunately I have barely been able to work out. Walks and yoga have been all that I can handle, and even those are too much sometimes. I'm out of breath quickly, I start to feel sick and lightheaded if my heart rate gets too high, and it just doesn't work. That is one of the most frustrating parts, and considering all the food I've eaten, my pants have already gotten tighter, and a couple pairs have been thrown into the cannot wear pile....my poor, poor pants!

We told Chris' mom this week. It was awesome. She cried, then Chris, Joe, and I started crying, and my nephew was wondering what the heck was going on. After being clued in he promptly stated that he would prefer a boy to play with. I reminded him that if it was a girl, it would be my daughter, and therefore the coolest girl in the world.

Whatever you are kid, you will be loved. I can't wait to meet you.

8 Weeks

I am horrified by the smell of the Halloween potluck down the hall from my office. I will puke on you party-goers. Beware. And stop bothering me about coming down, I really can't get any closer without a gas mask. Damn me for not thinking about that for my costume before!!!


So yes, more first trimester misery. Tired, sick, anxious, moody (Hi Chris! How's that going for ya?!), pudgy, and yet nobody knows. I had my first doctor visit this month, and have my second ultrasound scheduled for next Monday. I cannot wait. I have had multiple breakdowns this week of the pre-parenting FAIL variety, and have cried to Live's "Lightning Flashes" on the way to work. Yes, it is that bad. On Thursday I forgot to ask if the useless seasonal flu shot contained thimersol before they stuck it in my arm and into my baby's blood supply - so I called Chris sobbing about 3 hours after the doctor appointment - and he so rationally suggested I call the doctor and find out if it was in there. After explaining to the receptionist what thimersol was, she was able to find out that no, they don't even carry the shots with thimersol in them. Safe, but I obviously have not gotten this whole question thing down yet. They had the H1N1 shot, but are only giving it to pregnant women over 32 weeks, so hopefully my fellow coworkers use their time off and don't come into work sick. Chris has been a trooper, we are only 8 weeks in and I have put him through a lot, and he is taking everything I dish out with a "thank you, can I have another." I know I will feel better as long as this ultrasound shows a normal heartbeat.



On to our weekly update!



How far along: 8 weeks

Total weight gain/loss: Wow, I didn't realize this, but I gained about 5 pounds. Although sometimes scales are off by that much. Right? Reassurance here!
Maternity clothes: Some of my clothes are tighter, I'm not rushing out to the stores yet.
Stretch Marks: Not looking forward to this.
Sleep: Yup, still tired. But now I have started waking up for about 2-3 hours every night and I'm unable to get back to sleep. FUN!
Best moment last week: Holding Erin and Josh's 1 week old baby. I cannot believe that I will create something that helpless and that precious! I am scared to bring a baby that small home!
Movement: Apparently the baby started making movements this week. Go baby! Can't wait until I know you're there!!!
Cravings: Grapefruit. Bagels & Cream Cheese. Warm peanut butter cookies with vanilla ice cream. Hell's Kitchen peanut butter on toast.
Labor Signs: This question is dumb.
Belly Button in or out: Ditto for now.
What I miss: Energy. Working out. Sleeping on my stomach.
What I am looking forward to: Hearing the baby's heartbeat I hope I hope I hope!!!
Milestones: First doctor's appointment was this week - it took forever. Glad to have it out of the way though. Once a month until week 30! I thought I was being so smart and had written down all my questions for my first appointment, and I forgot the whole notebook.

7 Weeks

So yesterday was actually 7 weeks, but we were travelling all day to St Louis for a wedding. I'm writing this right now in one of those hotel business centers hoping that people don't come in and read everything over my shoulder. I've had a lot more nausea/gaggy/pukey feelings this week, and a lot more nerves. I start to freak out when I'm not nauseous, and then 5 minutes later I'm scoping out trash cans and calculating how much time it would take me to get over there and how embarassing it would be if I did. I have not actually puked yet...and I hope not to at all! This trip is kind of hard, my brother and his girlfriend Liv know I'm pregnant, but nobody else does. So I can't drink and I'm exhausted and a little moody and it only makes sense to some of the people around me. This week my baby is the size of a blueberry! And has little paddles for hands and feet!!! How freaking cute is that?! I waver between knowing everything is going to be fine, and oh my god everything is not fine...why don't they sell home ultrasound equipment?!?! Also, I have watched entirely too many "Baby Story" type shows on TLC - because how cute are those floppy soft little babies - but oh my god that baby is going to come out of my vagina. Seriously.



And on that note, on with the weekly update!



How far along: 7 weeks 1 day

Total weight gain/loss: 2 pounds lost! Take that Italy! Remove me from the influence of gelato and the weight just melts off. Has nothing to do with the fact that cookies induce nausea now.

Maternity clothes: Nope nope nope. I'm getting a little bloated belly though. Not too worried about it yet.

Stretch Marks: Not yet.

Sleep: Am Exhausted. I'm considering telling work early after my appointment next week confirming everything is fine. I just don't have the energy...for anything. I want to sleep all the time, and Chris is being awesome. He's totally taking care of me...because I come home from work, plop myself on the couch, and basically don't move.

Best moment last week: Hmmmm...actually making it out of the house for a run/walk around the lake with my puppy. I'm not supposed to get out of breath so we're scaling back our workouts, but I was so proud of myself for making it out of the house. GO ME!

Movement: Does gas count?

Cravings: Grapefruit. I love you grapefruit.

Labor Signs: Nothing yet, and we're keeping it that way!

Belly Button in or out: In.

What I miss: Still with the pooping. Hopefully all this fruit I'm craving will work it's magic.

What I am looking forward to: Hearing the baby's heartbeat next week. I will hopefully have an u/s next Thursday!!!

Milestones: This little peanut has an appendix now - an utterly useless organ, but there it is!

6 Weeks

So I'm not posting these, just saving them. I want to document this pregnancy week by week, but if The Worst were to happen, I don't want to have to explain it to everyone! So yes, I'm PREGNANT!! Baby was conceived on September 18th, 2009 and it's estimated due date is June 11th, 2010. It was a total surprise. I found out the day before we left for Italy, so this kid already has impeccable timing (no wine or unpasteurized cheese for me!). I didn't mind one bit though. We have been trying for a baby for 13 months. I was about to start fertility treatments because of some conditions that I have, when we unexpectedly conceived naturally! This baby is very wanted, it's our little miracle baby. I keep telling it that it has to stick in there, because there's no other baby competition out there in my family and this kid is going to be spoiled rotten. I found this update thing to keep track of your pregnancy week by week and I think it looks like fun. If it's TMI for you, then don't read it!



How far along: 6 weeks
Total weight gain/loss: Truthfully, I don't know. I've been scared to weigh myself after getting back from vacation. I have never eaten so much pizza in my life and I'm sure it's done a number to my numbers already.
Maternity clothes: Not even close. Although I noticed it's a little uncomfortable when I wear tight pants. Baby needs its room!
Stretch Marks: None to speak of, I'm expecting a lot :(
Sleep: Lots of naps. Not only am I recovering from jet lag, but I'm creating life and all. I feel tired almost all the time! I did have a little trouble staying asleep last night, but logged 9 hours total after falling back asleep.
Best moment last week: Telling my parents and brother! I have never seen my mom so excited, it was one of the best moments of my life.
Movement: Nada. There's a whole lot of zinging little feelings going on down there though!
Cravings: Hmmm...in Italy I wanted Gelato all the time, but food is starting to get kind of weird. Not sure if I'm coming down with something or if I'm going to end up with morning sickness. I'm hoping it's all in my head?
Labor Signs: Dear god no, we are hoping for another 34 weeks here!
Belly Button in or out: In.
What I miss: I missed out on drinking wine in Italy, and caprese salad. Oh, and pooping. I miss pooping.
What I am looking forward to: Getting to 12-14 weeks so I can tell people and feel like this is really going to happen!
Milestones: My baby's got a heartbeat! (Haven't heard it yet, but that's what all the literature says!)

Never judge a book by it's cover

Let's get that last post off of the top.

I included a ticker on the sidebar of my blog with my goodreads read book updates. I love to read. I literally (HA!) adore reading. My nightstand always has a pile of books that are either being read or next in line. One of my favorite things to do is to get lost in a book, which if you ask my husband I frequently do! When I'm reading, everything else is gone, I am in the book, and the world could fall down around me and I wouldn't notice. I've had (allegedly) entire conversations...conversations where I was told I respond "uh-huh," "nope," "yep"....that I don't even remember with my husband. If he really wanted to take advantage, he could probably get me to agree to anything. And you wonder where that 1950 Ford came from ;o) When I read a really good book I can get so into it that I may start thinking in the accent of the story, I'll even find myself coming close to talking in that accent, and sometimes my mood is even effected by whatever I'm reading. That wouldn't be such a big deal if I didn't love to read so many sad books. What's a story without a little drama though?!

My earliest impression of books was when my father took me to a library in downtown St Paul. I'm not sure how old I was, but it must have been around kindergarten or first grade because I think I knew how to read. The library was spacious, enormous, and completely glorious! Marble pillars soared above my head (not exactly a huge feat, I was on the small side as a kid), marble floors shone before me. There were shelves three times as high as me, filled with more books than I could ever explore in a lifetime. A bittersweet feeling, that, knowing that there are more stories than you could ever lay your hands on, that you could never have enough time to discover what's inside each one, but at the same time feeling so safe in the fact that you will never be bored, never be done learning. And the children's section! There were stuffed animals to recline on and people telling stories, and shelves and shelves of colorful books at just my height. I was overwhelmed. I couldn't believe that something that beautiful, that special, was there specifically to house books. Those simple, unassuming, rectangular packages. There's something reverential, and rather church-like about libraries. That quiet hush, the shuffling and rustling of the pages. There's something magic in books.

Isn't it funny what everyday things may shape your life as a child?

Ire

This post may have no purpose and will probably not make sense to many. I need to vent and since I opened up this thing to everyone, it's not going to be very specific.

I woke up angry. Pissed actually. I have been so angry lately, I've had so much of it that I don't know what to do with it. I find myself wanting to punch things, to break dishes, to slam doors, to scream. This isn't like me, I'm not an angry person. Sad I have experienced, and have come to expect occasionally....I'm not sure when I became so angry. The anger sneaks up on me, it's not something I'm used to dealing with.....but I know it's situational. I know that I have never been good at accepting, at not having control over everything. Right now I have big, huge, overwhelming THINGS that are out of my control. Things that I have to accept. Things that I can't accept.

I know I'll get there. Everything resolves itself in time, whether good or bad. Life will keep moving, time will continue to pass, and someday I'll be able to look back and wonder why I worried about everything so much, or what was there to get so upset about after all. Knowing that doesn't make it an easier right now, because time heals all wounds and I'm still feeling burnt. It's this limbo, this process, this not knowing what the outcome is, that is the hardest part. Once you're through the gauntlet all you have to do is catch your breath....right?

This is supposed to be a happy blog, a blog about good stuff, about my life. There are big parts of my life lately that I don't feel comfortable writing about here, so it's hard to update this. I'll get back to the animals and vacation and funny people later. I'm wallowing right now, and I'm just going to stew for a while.

Labor Day Blues

Haven't had much time to update lately. This year is moving so very fast, the rhodedendrons have already begun turning red and it's dark earlier than it feels like it should be. So it goes....


Chris and I went to the fair last weekend. It was incredibly busy, as always, but we were able to stuff ourselves silly regardless. I had deep fried pickles (my favorite), stuffed olives on a stick, cinnamon roasted almonds, fresh squeezed lemonade, a nutella crepe, french fries and ice cream made with local Minnesota wine. Chris had his first pronto pup! All the art and animals and people were fun to look at. I love the fair!


Work has slowed down some. I had the shortest week I've had in a while. I'm counting down to my vacation - it's coming up in less than a month. When we started planning it, October seemed so far away. It's the same as most things I guess. I'm a mixture of excitement and nervousness. Having never left the country before, I feel like I'm leaving behind a safety net. I'm so excited to see something fresh and new though!


Chris went to his first car show with his car this weekend. It was a gorgeous day, and there were a lot of really neat old cars there. Chris' car was definitely not in the worst shape, which felt really good. Some people even came by and took pictures of the work he's done. It was fun to see everyone dressed up in their 50's style outfits too!