MonkeyMel

Beautiful

2012-01-19T13:31:00.000-08:00

In the Buddhist tradition, babies that are miscarried, lost, or still born are souls that are only one step away from Nirvana (the Buddhist idea of heaven, where all souls go when they’ve completed their journey on earth). All those souls needed were to be wanted and loved one last time and they get to move on.

An ode to an unknown

2012-01-11T17:22:00.000-08:00

I wrote this post last week. When we were surprised to find out we were pregnant again. I only knew about the pregnancy for 5 days, but apparently I was about 8-9 weeks along. I went in for an ultrasound for my expected delivery date and the baby was measuring 8 weeks but didn't have a heartbeat. We lost the baby. I debated deleting this post or just saving and never posting this post, but I'm not ashamed of what happened, it isn't rare, and there's no way I will ever forget what happened. For a brief time, while this little one was developing we bonded, and I loved this baby, dreamed about this baby, and this baby was wanted. This is really all I have left of this baby and I want to preserve it somewhere. We are devestated, but really trying to move forward and focus on taking it one day at a time.

So here we go again. I feel like I need to write some of this down as it's happening not only because I'm going to forget it, but because I want this new little one to have the same opportunity to look back on their entire life, from conception to wherever they end up.

That's right, we're going to be a family of four. I even love the alliteration of that. I found out on January 2nd, after sleeping 10 hours the night before and then taking a 2 hour nap that afternoon I figured I was either pregnant or I needed to go to the doctor. Two little lines showed up though, and I couldn't even believe it. Eliot is going to be a big brother (which is so weird, he's so very little, thinking of him as someone to look up to is hard for me!) Although, what a great big brother to look up to. What a lucky baby.

I'm beside myself with excitement, but feeling the same trepidation that I felt when I was pregnant with Eliot. Why are we messing with a good thing? What if by having this new baby I screw up Eliot? How in the world am I going to divide my time between two very needy human beings? Sometimes I feel like I don't have enough for one. But I know in my heart that it will be fine. That others have done this eons before I even thought of having a first baby. I know I'll still worry though, and I'm constantly worrying that this little one is ok and healthy in there. But the excitement of meeting a whole new person, of watching them reach milestones and grow....oh, little one! I know you're just a bundle of cells right now, but I can't wait to meet you!

Speaking of how big this baby is, I actually have very little idea how far along I am. I'm probably somewhere between 5 and 10 weeks, I would guess around 7-9. Morning sickness has started up full force, and I am exhausted. I was so crabby the last few weeks and I couldn't figure out why - I'm so glad I'm pregnant. It's good to know this is not my new normal. I go to the dr at the end of the month for an ultrasound to figure out how far along I am. This is so different from my last pregnancy! I knew the exact date of conception for crying out loud - this time is much more relaxed. It's good though - this little one will have their own personality and their own experiences.

We're not telling anyone yet, and I won't post this until we do. I want to tell my family in a couple weeks. Probably do the big brother T-shirt thing....they're going to flip. I can't wait!!

We love you little one. I hope your brief time inside me wasn't painful or scary, and I wish I could've met you.

1.5 years

2011-12-19T17:44:00.000-08:00

So I guess we reached one and a half yesterday! Crazy. I really feel like I don't have much to say this month to cover the last two months. I'll just illustrate what I can in pictures.

These pictures are getting harder to catch. See how big? 21 lbs 13 oz, 2 ft, 6 in. Maybe just big to me!

Right after this picture he put the bear on the ground and proceeded to kick it repeatedly. He may be trying to tell me something.

Fall came and went. It snowed for a while but now it's brown again.

We've been figuring out things to do to keep us busy when it's cold. The Children's Museum was a huge hit!

Family time is always fun too. Eliot loves to hug his cousin...his cousin is not a huge fan.

We just had time to discover leaf piles and then they were gone....

So! We thought we'd try snow!

Yea, he was not impressed at all.

Eliot loves to brush his dad's "hair." Haha, I'd laugh too Eliot.

We bought a year membership to the zoo! Definitely a great winter activity.

Baths are also a favorite. Is there anything better than a clean baby?

I don't think I've taken a picture of this thing yet - we got an indoor play/ball center. I think I really bought this thing for me because I am so jealous they didn't have this when I was growing up. He loves his ball pit!

He also loves horsing around with his mama.

We did Christmas part one with my side of the family this weekend. A little pre-xmas excitement.

And who can resist that face?!

Ummmm....or that one! At leasts we know where Eliot gets his good looks!

Our family just keeps growing - it's a lot of fun.

Opening up presents...

Sharing his gifts with his 2 month old cousin, Trenton.

Trenton is wondering if anyone is watching out for his safety.

Seriously.

Little bit of post-xmas overwhelmingness.

Chris and I had our first foray into putting things together that should be simple while Eliot is sleeping but keep you up cursing Little Tikes until way past your bedtime. But the looks on his face when he got in his car...priceless. Is this mine?

Really mine?

Oh yea. I am so cool.

Necessarily Cliched Thanksgiving Post

2011-11-24T08:00:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I feel like cheese is coming out of my ears. Kind of like interviews - I hate job interviews because I feel so fake. Name a time when you were a successful part of a team. For a college job interview I once told the story of being on a football team and leading us to the win because that question totally had me stumped. I hate football and it never happened. I think those questions are just to see how fast you can think on your feet/lie successfully.

But I am thankful. No lies, I am thankful beyond words. But I'll try anyways.

I'm so thankful to be surrounded by people who I care about and care about me. That I get to spend as much time as I do with the people who are most important to me. I think back to a place I was in my life long ago and how I wished all this time away, even dreaded the fact that time kept going. I just didn't know how good it was going to get! I'm so glad I am where I am.

I'm thankful that although it may not be exactly where I want to be, we have a warm place to live and that it is enough, and could always be enough if need be.

I'm thankful that my child has never gone hungry. That although it drives me insane, he has the freedom to be picky, and feels that there is so little worry about food that he can throw it on the ground for the dog to eat when he's done.

I'm thankful that we don't really have to worry about money. That I do not have to worry about how we're going to pay the bills, that we can buy something if we really want it, and we're able to put money away every month. I'm so thankful to have a job, even if I had to answer silly interview questions to get it!

Random Randomness

2011-11-16T09:58:00.001-08:00

I'm in a post-Song of Ice and Fire series funk. I read all five of the books in record time and now I have to wait like everyone else to find out what happens in the next book (books?). I am always kind of lost when I finish reading an especially engrossing book and I'm not sure what to read next. Although this one has an HBO series that started last year which I've heard is awesome and I can't wait to watch. Chris would probably argue that I should take a break and maybe have some conversations with him in the evenings. Maybe it wouldn't hurt too bad...for a few weeks anyways.

The weather has been awesome around here lately. Crisp and sunny.

However, the leaves have not yet let go of their branches. Raking is an exercise in futility because all the leaves we remove blow back to their original places in about 2 hours. I'm hoping it waits a little longer to snow so we can get one more round of leaves out of our yard.

My 32nd birthday is this Friday and it's strangely hitting me harder than 30 did. 30 & 31 are just dipping your toes in the 30's. 32 is solidly implanted in 30 year old territory. It won't bother me for long - I don't let aging do that. The alternative is worse.

I have been on a chocolate covered pretzel habit for the past week. I finally glanced at the package that I had been finishing in one to two sittings and found out it's actually five servings in that little package. Five servings is over 600 calories. I'm not sure it's worth that price. Maybe it will become a once a month treat instead of twice a week.

We went to the Children's Museum a couple weeks ago and it was awesome. What is not so awesome is that it's closed on Monday's all winter because Monday is my day off of work. I sure hope my child likes to play in the snow. I'm going to have to get creative with outings to keep us both from losing our damned minds.

I'm ridiculously excited for this weekend but I'm sure going to miss my baby. We're getting a babysitter Friday night to go see The Hold Steady play downtown. Saturday night my parents are taking me out to dinner and a comedy show while Eliot will be watched by my mother in law. This weekend is highly needed and terribly overdue.

We are officially on hold for any buying or selling of houses until spring. I have made my peace with that fact.

Divide and Conquer

2011-11-08T10:14:00.000-08:00

Time recently did an article on calling a truce on the Chore War. Blue Milk did a piece analyzing whether or not the Time article had a point. A particular paragraph in Blue Milks' post had me contemplating where Chris and I diverge in our share of household responsibilities:

Are men and women equally sharing the work of organising all this stuff? The work of organising often doesn’t get counted in these surveys because a lot of it goes on inside someone’s head, but it’s bloody taxing work. Walking someone through all the steps in preparing a meal, making sure you haven’t run out of laundry powder for when it’s their turn to do the laundry, writing the shopping list for them and describing where on the aisles they will find the items they need to buy.. all draining work.

I am the organizer. I pay all the bills, I keep track of our bank accounts, our cell phones, our bill disputes, our money, our insurance, our retirement funds, Eliot's Dr's appointments. I'm the researcher. If we're making a big purchase I research what we're buying. I make sure Eliot's clothes are switched over when they're getting too small, that he has all the snacks he'll need in the cupboards for the next week, that his diaper stash hasn't been depleted. I do the grocery shopping 80% of the time. According to the Time article I'm considered a part time working mom though because I'm scheduled at 32 hours a week. I do most of the grocery shopping because I have Mondays off and Monday mid-mornings are a damn nice time to grocery shop. I bring Eliot to his Dr appointments because why should we take more time off to bring him to the Dr when I can knock that off the list on a Monday. Because I work though, our Mondays are also very special. I don't want every Monday to be me just trying to get housework done and errands run and dinner on the table. So they aren't. I don't make dinner most Mondays, I usually get one thing done (like laundry folded or the dishes put away) but most Mondays the house is more of a mess than we started. And that's ok.

But Chris, he's always willing to let me leave the house when I need a break. I take more breaks than he does. He takes care of the hardware of the house (wiring electronics, anything that can be fixed with his hands), I'm better at software (navigating the TV menus, setting up the wireless modem). I don't touch the garage, I only keep my bike in there. He takes care of my bike, the cars, the yard, 80% of the cooking, putting Eliot to bed. Eliot's night time care used to fall mostly on my shoulders with breastfeeding, and I would say I'm still up with him more than Chris is, but it's better every month.

Most other things are near equal. In some ways he's neater than I am. Laundry is probably 50-50. I clean the kitchen and bathroom more often, he does the dishes more often (yes, and he does most of the cooking). He won't clean the floors unless I start cleaning them, but then he'll do half. Speaking of floors, this aggravates the living daylights out of me, we went 3 weeks before our floors got mopped this last weekend because I was experimenting with waiting for him to clean the floors and then I just got too disgusted to wait any longer.

Mostly I feel like we strike a good balance, but I would like to hand some more of the organizational items back to him. I don't think this is a men vs. women thing in our relationship, I think it's a me letting go thing. I like to know that Eliot's clothes are organized and the right sizes, that I'll be able to grab a diaper out of the drawer without thinking about it, that all the bills are paid, that we're buying the very best TV at the very best price. I trust him though, I can even sleep while he's driving sometimes, and it doesn't all need to be knocking around in my head all the time. You know what means more than an exact division of chores? The fact that Chris is concerned about it being even as well, that he'll take on something on my "list" if asked or even if the need is sensed (except for the floors, obviously), and I'll take on things from his. It more than makes up for some perfect division of labor. We each do what we're good at, and help the other out if it's too much.

Halloween

2011-11-01T18:33:00.000-07:00

I have a new nephew! Trenton Joseph - born 10/25 - isn't he precious. He is one of the cutest babies I've ever seen, and I'm so excited to be his aunt!

Seriously. I know that little bundle keeps you up at night, but look at how sweet and innocent and snuggleable. Makes me want another one....but maybe just during the day.

Speaking of cute babies at night...my little dinosaur did well last night.

Picture courtesy of our awesome neighbor who delivered this picture and two tomatoes about a half hour ago. Why are we trying to move again?

but the little man did not like carving pumpkins. He is saying NO very emphatically in this next picture.

Well no wonder when your dad makes the coolest and scariest pumpkin ever. He was intimidated!

Yes. He kind of had two costumes. What of it? Apparently we're Halloween freaks or something. He will wear this sweatsuit all winter though - not only is it super comfortable but it's so cool! (Oh, and Eliot says beep beep)

Right before our first trick or treat he banged his head and got a fat eye (?) If that's what you call it anyways. You can see it in the following picture. Poor little man, we tell him not to stand up in the tub but he gets so excited. Natural consequences I guess.

There he goes. Our little trick or treater. The back of this costume makes me want to squeal with cuteness noises. Seriously.

I didn't dress up. Unless you count the hoodie I have on circa 1999. Yea, Eliot doesn't either.

16! It's sweet!

2011-10-18T17:07:00.000-07:00

Let's see if I can keep this post in any sort of order, you'll be able to tell by the pre and post haircut of the boy! It was getting a little raggedy (actually becoming a giant dread daily) as seen here:

Coincidentally, these last pictures were also the day of our trip to Como Zoo. I'll give you 2 guesses what he was more interested in - animals or TRACTORS (dah-dohs)!

So, we went to get his haircut. I didn't have time to be upset myself because look at this face....

Oh man, what torture. Then, last night I read an article about the first haircut and how they just cut off the hair they were BORN WITH and I got all verklempt. Seriously, we just cut off all the hair that grew when he was in me. SAD.

We also went to the apple orchard. This would be a yearly tradition now...you ate apples this year! YAY!

We got you a pumpkin! Which was later stolen during our trip to Iowa. Stupid kids and their pumpkin-stealing ways. At least they had to courtesy to not smash it on our front sidewalk. I choose to believe that some family that couldn't afford a pumpkin took it. Look at this guy - so strong!

We went to a park on a Sunday morning like the heathens we are and they were handing out baloons. They were baloons from Jesus. Well they caught us, enjoying the last nice fall day Minnesota had to offer that happened to fall on a Sunday. I'm sorry that I didn't want to spend it in a church. This little heathen is totally willing to model for me as evidenced by the following pictures:

And then - you need to goof around with your dad.

Lately your favorite thing has been the swing. And kid - I had forgotten the joy of throwing my head back while I'm swinging. I agree. What an awesome feeling.

Here is where you can't hide your love of your mother's kisses.

We went to Iowa! Your first out of state excursion! 5 hours in the car each way for your Uncle Brian and Aunt Liv's wedding! You did great!! The wedding was awesome! We also did a bit of touring in Dubuque. Here we are at the top of this lift elevator built in the 1800's:

Yes, I got into that thing with my only child. I am very trusting of old rusty buckets.

Here's where I didn't push you off a pier! I love you!

This is just cool. A door with a big step.

You're a star! The next day we ate a the restaurant inside this building and you literally almost choked to death. We were all sobbing in the restaurant. We definitely know how to make a scene - don't ever scare your mom like that again!

The biggest catfish any of us had ever seen. And finally! The haircut is highlighted! Much better minus the rats nest! Does anyone else miss the curls? I do.

Okay, so they had a real crocodile, but it literally stalked Eliot and I while we were walking past the cage. Every move we made, it followed us. It started creeping me out so no pictures with the real crocodile. This one was much better.

Look at these two - SO CUTE!

Unfortunately this is the ONLY picture I took of the bride and groom. Aren't they cute though?

Eliot was quite Tom Cruise after the wedding. He was also quite exhausted.

Fall is definitely here (as evidenced by our pumpkins and apple picking). We've been training Eliot for trick or treating. Too bad he goes to bed at 6:30!

I've also been scoping out all the indoor play places. This one is perfect for little guys like Eliot and it's really helped with his coordination!

Could he look any more grown up in this picture?

We continue to wait for the arrival of my nephew, Eliot's cousin. I can't wait to meet the little guy and Eliot can't wait for another cousin close to his age! This month was so full of fun times, I say this all the time but I can't believe it keeps getting better!

So how am I doing?

2011-10-09T10:43:00.000-07:00

Not that anyone comes on here to check on me or anything. So if you're looking for adorable baby pictures, come back next week. We had a great month so far and have taken lots of pictures I can't wait to share. But I am. Waiting that is.

I was out running the other day and realized how much more comfortable and accepting I am of my postpartum body than I was pre-Eli. I used to hear mom's say this and think it was a bunch of lip service, that they really did care but used the pregnancy/birth/lack of time whatsoever with a kid to justify the fact that they no longer really liked their bodies. But I'm telling you - I am amazed at what my body did and amazed at what it is now. I gained 45 pounds, I've lost over 50, and there are parts of my body that are changed forever, but I really don't even care. I think I look damned good. The sad thing is I used to care so much more - what released me? Did becoming a mom change me that much? I am in awe of the fact that I gave birth to another human but why would it change that part of me? Truthfully, I don't know why but I know it's nice. It feels amazing to be content.

I am feeling a little disconnected though. I went shopping for my wardrobe that is sorely in need of updating. I've never been super into fashion or anything, and now I just want to wear clothes that flatter me and look put together, no matter what the current trends are (seriously - go away skinny jeans and leggings. I have too much hip to pull you off). When I was shopping though I was just...surprised at what the people at the checkout counters were wearing, and surprised at what was even offered in the store and how much of it I just didn't like. I suppose I'm getting older and I haven't seriously bought clothes for 2 years because of the whole pregnancy/birth recovery thing, but I didn't think I was that out of touch! I think a lot of it is because flowy tops and skinny pants just don't flatter me, I need flowy pants and skinny tops for this pear-shaped girl. When I did find a pair of pants I liked (cords) the girl at the counter asked me "aren't you glad cords are back in style? I had a friend make fun of me and say that cords were so ten years ago but they're coming back!" Christ. They were out of style? I guess I haven't worn any in a while but I love cords, they are like the perfect fall pant. So I bought them anyways, they may not be back in style (I only saw them at one store) but they look good on me.

I hope to have time to update next weekend. My brother is getting married Friday, my sister is due any day, and Eliot will be 16 months old. Exciting times people, exciting times!

15 months

2011-09-18T18:10:00.000-07:00

Oh buddy. You are so big now! And way too busy to sit still for a picture with the damn bear. Although you were willing to give him a hug.

You're walking now. Where before you would refuse to move unless someone was holding your hand, now you push our hands away if we offer. You can do it, you are doing it....I can't believe all the things you can do! You're talking, you have lots of words - tractor, all done, mama, grandpa, daly, dada, ball, tons of animal noises, vroom, car, choo choo, and you'll often repeat something I've just said. I gotta watch myself! Just today you said up, grapes, water, keys, and boo...but tomorrow you probably won't say them. It's weird that way!

You point at everything and say "Da?" You want to know the words for everything around you, so curious. Daycare says that the whole family now says "Da?" all the time to everything because although all kids go through this stage, you are especially inquisitive and say it more than most. I love it!

You are so exciting now, so interactive. Playing and laughing and wrestling. I love this stuff. I love you. We just love hanging out with you.

At your first Twin's game. Just believe me, you're there.

Not so sure of the boat at the cabin.

Not so sure about getting his picture taken.

Oh never mind.

He is willing to play in the sand, especially if he's next to his buddy Summer.

Obsessed with tractors. Seriously.

Second trip to the fair and eating one of Uncle Brian's mini donuts. I think he liked it.

This kid loves playing with the bathroom. Smallest room in the house and we spend a lot of time in there. Strange.

There's so much I want to do with you. So much I want to show you! I am so excited to take you places and show you things that will blow your mind. There's just so little time, you need to slow down so I can savor this age forever and keep you right here full of wonder and innocence and open mouthed slobbery kisses for your mama.

My Typical Day

2011-08-26T09:44:00.000-07:00

Saw this on some other blogs, thought I'd try it out:

4:30 AM: Eliot wakes up to nurse. I try to get back to sleep myself. Most days I do, some days I don't. I have early morning insomnia - I have no problem getting to sleep but I'll often find myself awake at 3am for no reason. Waking me up at 4:30 is not cool kid, not cool.

6:15 AM: Eliot wakes up for good. He usually wakes up and starts head butting and kicking everything in sight. Like a kicky rhinoceros. I wake up protecting myself and trying to prevent him from head butting the wall. Contrary to what it sounds like he's usually in a great mood.

6:18 AM: Get up, turn on cartoons long enough to change Eli's diaper (he hates his diaper changed). If Chris is doing this I feed the dog and either start making lunches or breakfasts. And for cartoons? I change the channel immediately if it's "Special Agent Oso," I hate that show. If he sings about three special steps ever again I'll scream.
6:22 AM: Breakfast for all! Eli has been eating more and more of our food. Not quite enough to make an entire breakfast for him, but enough that Chris and I have noticed we're usually starving for the rest of the day.

6:30 AM: On Wednesdays and Fridays Chris and Eli leave to go to my parent's house, and Tuesday Thursday we're still getting ready. Tea is usually made around now. That's my rocket fuel for the day.

6:56 AM: Tuesdays and Thursdays Eli and I take off for daycare. Depending on Eli's mood I'm either singing the entire ride or he's quietly observing the scenery. I know which one I prefer.

7:14 AM: Tues/Thurs - dropoff. I hate dropoff because the little man still screams every time I leave. I'm assured that it's temporary and he stops once I vacate the premises, but it still breaks my heart.

7:30 AM: Arrive at work, fill up my water, check my emails and bank accounts. Get down to work.

7:30 AM - 9AM: Work. 9AM I always have a snack.

9AM - 11:AM: More work. I am an early luncher. I eat at 11 most days. People know me for this, I'm usually the first one at the microwaves, and often I can barely wait until 11. Believe me, I'm watching that clock for my snake eyes!

11AM-11:30AM: Obsessively read blogs on my reader and check out thebump.com if I have any baby questions. Sometimes I go out to lunch. Bun Mi is my current favorite, most days I eat at my desk. AM SO COOL. Sad fact, there was a semester in High School that I ate lunch in the library. None of my friends shared my lunch and I preferred to read anyways. Moving on!

11:30AM - 4PM-ish: Work. Try not to count hours until home.

4:15 PM: Pick up the kid Tues/Thurs. Lately he has not been wanting to leave because there are cars to push around on the deck at daycare. CARS MAMA! I drag him from daycare play screaming, our circle has been closed.

4:30 PM: Arrive home, try and scrounge up enough food for Eli's dinner, pick out tomorrow's outfits and pj's for the evening. Get a little inside or outside playtime in.

5:00 PM: Do not mess with little man's dinnertime. He is like his mama, when he needs to eat, it's time to eat. This is also Daly's favorite portion of the day - food dropped on the floor like it's raining manna from heaven. Sometimes I eat. Sometimes Chris is home, sometimes not! The excitement! The intrigue!

5:30 PM: This is always the time of day I wish Eli stayed up longer. I'd love to head down to the park, but we have to start getting him ready for bed (he usually goes down between 6:30 and 7). Sometimes there's a bath - I think we all love bathtime. Not only is it a blast for all, but he comes out smelling all sweet. Mmmmm....fresh soapy baby head. This is prime playtime with mom and dad.

6:00 PM: Nightime diaper, PJ's, snuggles and books. We usually have to stop ourselves from riling him up because if you tickle him this time of night the belly laughs are so great. We usually fail.

6:30 PM: If you see eye-rubbing bedtime must be started immediately or you pass the point of no return and have crazy baby until 8:30.

7:00 PM: If we haven't eaten Chris and I either start cooking or eat. Depending on the night we walk the dog, try and do dishes, pick up the toys, take showers. I usually crumple onto the couch and wish that I could go to sleep for at least a few minutes. Sometimes I read, I often think about working out but I'm so freaking tired that I count picking up Eli ten million times as my weightlifting and cardio.

9:30 PM: I am in bed by this time most nights. I need my sleep. Chris is usually up for another couple hours - I don't know how he does it. Yes, I get almost 9 hours of sleep a night and it usually doesn't feel like enough.

Seriously - what did I do with my evenings before the kid? We had so much time and we didn't even know it!

Not much to say this month

2011-08-21T11:17:00.000-07:00

We've had a good month, a little on the expensive side:

as this was the view out of our front door for a day. It was almost worth the $2000 price tag - Eliot has never been so excited. It was our sewer - again. We've now had that side of the yard ripped up twice, and we got out cheap at $2000 because it wasn't done correctly 4 years ago. You live and you learn. But, we keep on smiling even when we have egg on our face.

Our house goes on the market tomorrow - TOMORROW! It's crazy. I'm nervous and excited and anxious. I'm worried it won't sell, I'm worried it will sell fast. I'm worried about emptying my bank account to get out of here. Sigh. But we're doing it!

Eliot is still not officially walking. But he is doing this

and this

and lots of this

The kid is part fish, and all about wheels. Wonder where he came from. I'm still enjoying keeping him close to me

And I think he enjoys it too. He's a mess, this guy

But we're loving every minute. Wish us luck on house selling, I know I've got my fingers crossed!

From a baby to a toddler

2011-07-30T06:41:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, on his father's birthday, and in his own time, my baby took his first steps. All ten of them.

I've never been so proud. And never seen someone so proud of himself. Congratulations Eli!

Also, this kid loves brooms. It's on the internet, he'll never escape this picture!

Today

2011-07-23T16:58:00.000-07:00

Oh my god. You guys. Today he said mama for the first time. Over and over again.

Heart asploded.

Mid-July recap

2011-07-22T06:02:00.000-07:00

I just don't know how to NOT post today. I am, however, sick of labelling my post in months but I will sneak it in rightherehe's13monthsok?

This last month has been great! Stressful! Crazy! But super great! Eliot has continued to blind everyone with his cuteness. He loves to play in the water, which is great because we suddenly live in the jungle up here in Minne-snow-ta. 117 heat index today and humidity so thick you could cut it with a knife - I think this is the hottest weather I've ever seen. Wait, there was that insanely hot vacation we took to Florida 2 years ago this June. I actually walked around all day in heat like this - I think that still wins.

His birthday party was a hit - although it rained the whole day, and he ate his cake like nobody's business. The cake eating prompted a mini-crisis in my head because I work so damn hard trying to fill this kid up with good foods and then we set an entire cake in front of him. Customs are weird. Chris got to open up his gifts, and Eliot threw a bit of a fit towards the beginning so Chris got to open up his gifts while Eliot wasn't even there. Ha! Awkward!

We had planned to stay up for fireworks for the 4th, but Eliot's grandma watched him for the day and he was so excited that he decided to forego napping for the entire day! Which meant he went to bed even earlier than usually and no fireworks for us. But that's ok. Next year he's going to love it.

We're still working on selling our house. We have 2 projects left to finish and we're ready. Early August there should be a for sale sign up in front of this beast. That is just part of the crazy that I'm feeling right now. Changes! They are a-brewing!

So Extreme!

2011-06-24T10:44:00.000-07:00

So....are you still?

When will you stop?

Isn't he getting too old for that?

It's just for comfort, right?

I guess 12 months is the magical age for weaning here in the US. People have been asking me when I'm going to stop doing THAT (nursing, breastfeeding, AHHHH...why are breasts so sexualized - I'm feeding my baby!). When are we going to stop doing that. This is so much more complicated than I imagined. Just like I thought that my baby would WANT to sleep in a crib, that's what babies do, right? Also, nursing a toddler is different than nursing a newborn, and Eliot wants/needs to nurse a lot less than he used to, which is great! I am enjoying having my body back more of the time, enjoying not pumping at work. Sometimes it's like holding a distracted squirrel. He's twitching and grabbing and climbing and twirling and hitting, and often driving me crazy. But when he wants to nurse - that is all he wants. Sometimes there are no sippy cups or distractions that work otherwise. And I don't mind. I love the cuddle time with my increasingly mobile little boy, and I feel like it's a bit of nutritional insurance if he hasn't eaten the best that day....just because he's 1 doesn't mean my milk suddenly has no nutritional value.

Did you know that the World Health Organization recommends breastfeeding until at least 2 years of age?

Did you know that the American Academy of Pediatrics recommends breastfeeding until 1, and then as long as mutually desireable between the mother and child?

Former Surgeon General Dr. Antonia Novello: "It's the lucky baby, I feel, who continues to nurse until he's two."

I have grandmas and mothers admitting to me that they breastfed until their child was 2, even 3. They concede their confessions to me in low voices. They miss it. They loved it. They hid it. They don't regret it.

I remember before I had Eliot that I was one of those people who thought "extended" breastfeeding was weird. I would whisper to my friend behing my hand, "They're walking and talking - what are they doing still breastfeeding?" Here I am eating my words.

The other day I locked Eli and myself out of the house for 3 hours and I was so thankful that he was still nursing because it was lunch time and he was hungry. I always have a snack with me.

I sometimes feel uncomfortable nursing in public though, and I'm sad I feel like that. I wish it was more accepted....I hope if Eliot ever has children his wife never has to think twice. And if she ends up feeding her child formula that nobody judges them for that either. While nursing he no longer tolerates a blanket over his head and he unlatches about every 2 seconds from some distraction - I'm sure I've flashed people. He rarely wants to nurse in public anymore though - that's too distracting for him too - but I wouldn't deny him in an emergency. I've had to grow a backbone, put up with stares of people who think it's weird or unnecessary. I'm an inactive activist - "It's normal! It's society who's wrong!" I want to shout. But I don't.

I guess I'm growing my mama backbone. I will put up with anyone's judgement/crap to do what I believe is in the best interest of my child. And if anyone EVER makes Eliot feel like what he's doing is wrong or weird they will be sorry. Mama bear says ROAR!

One.

2011-06-18T00:13:00.000-07:00

They say that you don't really know how much your parents love you until you have your own children. And, my sweet boy, I have to tell you that they (whoever the heck they are) are right. You really don't. One day Eliot, I hope you have children of your own and think back on your relationship with your old mom....and give her a call (or text or email or whatever it is you kids will be doing 30 years from now) and tell her you love her (and here's me - HI MOM! HI DAD! Thanks for having me!!). Because this year; this crazy, time-warp, rollercoaster-y, whilrwind of a year; has been the most incredible year of my life. When you were first born I felt like the grinch - my heart grew right out of my chest. You made me believe in love at first sight. I have never loved another person like I have loved you, and this is not to discount the love I have for your father or anyone else because it's real and amazing in a different way, but my feelings for you, my protectiveness over you, my joy in your joy, my pain in your pain...you have changed who I am as a person forever. You make me want to be a better person, and that is the nicest compliment I can think of giving anyone. I hope to be enough for you, enough to raise you right. I hope to be able to always accept you for who you are, and help you to be the best you possible. I hope that I have the knowledge to know when to hold on and when to let go....but forgive me if I default to holding on when I don't know any better.

And seeing your father with you - this man who I fell in love with so long ago now - and how amazing he is with you and how he is the only other person in the world who shares in being your parent. I have fallen even harder in love with him through you. I've seen him, some nights, watching you sleep. Just as amazed as I am at the incredible person you are and the fact that something so beautiful and unique and incredible came from him, me, us. I've seen him hold you while you sleep, not putting you down on purpose, just to get a few more minutes (or hours) to spend with you. He loves to make you laugh, and he's good at it. He is so excited to be your friend. You should see how willing he is to make a fool out of himself around you - just to make you happy (and believe me, this is not a man to be a fool very often). He's spent hours blowing bubbles for you, hours blowing raspberries and making funny faces at you, entire evenings sitting outside and watching the cars pass by our house, and hours rocking you late at night when you can't sleep and I need to. He's changed for the better too. He's an amazing and loving man, and I couldn't imagine a better father for you. I did pretty good in the dad department, didn't I?

This has been the shortest and longest year of my life. I'm not going to lie, having a baby is hard work. I have had to summon up more patience than I ever knew existed, and I have survived on less sleep than I thought was possible. And I'm sorry if I failed you sometimes, wasn't the mother you deserve. It'll happen again though, and I hope you understand that I will always try to do my best. But oh, I don't want this year to be over. I can already see the face of a little boy in you, and I understand why mom's fight so hard against that first hair cut. In a year of firsts, I want to leave my baby a baby a little longer. I know you're not grown up yet, and I'll look back on one and wish I had it back too, but right now you're continuing on that trajectory of growing up way too fast. Where are you going in such a hurry?

Those first few weeks really felt like they stood still. I remember my friends talking about their 4 month old, their 6 month old, 9 month old, and I thought - not my baby, that's so old! It'll be forever until he's that old. I used to say things like "he's three and a half weeks," because you were a different baby to me within that half a week, because sometimes that half week made a world of difference. Day by day you break my heart and grow away from that newborn boy they placed purple and slimy and so very beautiful on my chest one year ago today. And here we are at one. When did years become so short?

Watching you grow this last year has been nothing short of a miracle. I'm not an expert in babies or human development, so I really had just a general idea that you would someday walk, talk, and interact. Watching you develop from this little bundle of grunts and random jerky motions into a smiling, laughing, grabbing, sometimes screaming, interacting, talking, mobile little boy...all within a year? It's the coolest thing I've ever seen. What an incredible difference the first year makes!

Sometimes I wonder what we did without you. I wonder why we waited so long for you, because it feels like you complete us. I love saying the word family, and it was you who made us into that. Although I miss the days when we could leave the house at a moments notice, stay out past 7:30 and sleep in past 6 am, you are more fun than any of that. I never realized what I didn't have. Because while we struggled to conceive I sometimes questioned if I really needed a child, not knowing how it would be, and if it was worth the heartache, the waiting, the wondering. But you have surpassed my wildest dreams. There is no word in my vocabulary, no word in any language for how amazing you are to me. You are worth any trip to the moon and back.

I hope you remember, and that you will always know, how all encompassing my love for you is. And even though I know in these coming years I will scream at you, you will scream at me, and we'll both roll our eyes at each other, get frustrated with the other, and sometimes want to be nowhere near each other, I will always love you. Always. And I will always be your mom, and somewhere in there you will always be that sweet beautiful baby I first fell in love with. I love you Eli, my big guy, my little bug, with all my heart and more. Happy First Birthday.

"You Were Born" - Cloud Cult

"Wild Thing" - Misty Miller

This time last year

2011-06-01T14:31:00.000-07:00

I've been feeling bitersweetly nostalgic the past month. I can't stop thinking about what was happening this time last year. How I was unknowingly 17 days away from meeting a baby that would change my life forever. How I was huge, hungry, and uncomfortable and so ready to be DONE. I was just so done being pregnant. And now how I miss it sometimes. How I was looking at 12 weeks off of work. How I didn't know how amazing and incredibly hard those weeks and this past year would actually be! I'm weaning from pumping at work, and although I can't wait to be done, there's something bittersweet about that too. I can't believe it's almost been a year. I can't believe it's only been a year.

11 months

2011-05-18T17:42:00.000-07:00

11 months! And we're a little too near bedtime in this picture for a smile.

This is what he really thought of our picture taking.

Easter chicks.

Little break in the grass while mom was out for a run. I'm loving those eyelashes!

Helping us paint the house. He held the tape.

Hamming it up for the camera - this is our camera smile now.

This kid will seriously eat anything - lunch of pitas, hummus, and feta! YUM!

This month brings the word exploded to mine. Your abilities have just absolutely exploded.

You say hi, wave bye, clap (tee hee - I love this one), dance to songs, sing along, squeal, and often sound like you're having a conversation. You are a ham - you smile for the camera now - so soon! You love attention, especially from girls, and flirt with everyone! If you're fussy, all we have to do is meet a new person and you turn on the charm. You give high fives regularly, you play with toy cars, roll them on the floor with the wheels down and say vroom (more like vmmmm). You eat everything we do - you get angry if we don't feed you what we're having. Sometimes you eat so much it surprises me. You always want to walk with us. You haven't really taken any steps yet unassisted, but can stand for a little while on your own, and you can walk while holding just one of our hands. You're getting so much stronger so very fast. You'll play by yourself for longer periods of time....usually if you see me you want to be walking around with me though - you play better with your dad. You're funny - you'll crack up at us and we crack up right back. We'll just sit and laugh at each other. You knocked your mouth into the table the other day - it was the first time I've seen you bleed and I'm proud of how calm I was - the first of many cuts and scrapes that childhood will bring.

One more month to go and you'll have a year under your belt. I can't believe it. Cheers to you little man, you've made this one hell of a ride so far.

A life update

2011-05-17T08:57:00.000-07:00

Seems like all the talk around here is about that one guy...what's his name again? Oh yea, my son, Eliot. I can't get enough of that guy.But! I do have other things that I do. Really! The world keeps turning even though I'm a mom and totally infatuated with my firstborn...and in denial about the fact that he's going to be one in approximately a month's time.
The cat. He came this close (imagine really close fingers here) to joining that big litter box in the sky. Traxx turned 10 on the first (HOLYSHIT - Chris and I bought that cat together, as a kitten - and he's 10! I am old.) and he went downhill fast. There was a lot of losing weight, peeing gratuitously on everything, and me thinking that I don't want a cat who pees on everything while mourning the fact of - my cat! My first fur-baby! But it turns out it was a UTI, amongst other things. He's....well....he's got a diagnosis that means he has a limited amount of time left with us. A few years at best, but he's back in action just in time to longingly stare out the windows at the birds nesting in our gutters. Stupid birds.
The dog. He's doing awesome. I was so proud of us for "fixing" his leg issues but it turns out that he's just been so well rested that they fixed themselves! That's right! We never take the poor guy anywhere! So when the vet came over and told us he's 103 pounds of beastly furriness, I about fell off my chair (he should be around 80-90). I really thought what the vet called his love handles were his ribs. I should probably stop telling myself that when I look in a mirror too. Daly is now on a diet and a strict exercise regimen (where strict = when we can get out of the house he comes with). He hates the diet, loves the exercise, and he's already looking svelter (is that even a word? Blogger is accepting it). If I could just keep him out from under the high chair.
We're actively pursuing selling our house. So this does have something to do with our progeny, because these little people take up about 10 times the room of a normal sized person, but we knew we wouldn't be there forever either. In talking to a realtor we're close to breaking even (SOB - after 6 years of payments and tens of thousands of dollars invested into the place), but that's a good thing. It could be worse. We're painting the outside and we ~~bought the stuff to start projects and it is sitting in corners collecting dust~~ are doing a few minor updates, but may even list this fall. If not, we'll list next spring. Although we do have to list without our awesome winery rain barrel. We ~~forgot about the barrel while wiping a poopy butt~~ didn't winterize it properly and the bottom basically exploded. I am so looking forward to house shopping because THE DEALS! Even though we have to come up with another down payment, we'll get into our forever house for a really great price.
Chris and I? We're hanging in there. I basically rely on Chris to be superhuman, and he nearly always lives up to my expectations. But seriously I am sometimes surprised when he goes to take a nap or something - I forget how much I ask of him. I'm sometimes overwhelmed - with work, babies, animals, houses, but I'm happy. Who wouldn't be waking up to this guy every morning?

10 Months

2011-04-18T17:11:00.000-07:00

10 monther!

Causing trouble with the bear.

Not even sure what he's done himself.

Tell me what you really think.

The boys and their hats.

Perfunctory baby in bath with a mohawk picture.

BUBBLES!!!

The most important men in my life. I love this picture!!!

Captain Adorable!

Look at him standing!

New Jammies.

The introduction to sand didn't go over so well.

Where did the time go?

I see you every day, and looking back I see you've changed and grown so much, but it happens so gradually before my eyes. Where is my newborn? Where is the little bug that we brought home? Your legs have straightened and stretched out, my little bug man is no more. Although there have been days where I wake up and see you and can literally see how much you've grown overnight. You're growing that fast. And every day you get a little better at the things you couldn't do the day before. You can stand a little longer, scoot a little better, eat a little bit bigger pieces of food, say new things. And I'm so very proud of you, want to tell people all the little things you do that are so cute - when you sign milk you do it upside down behind your ear, when you're really tired you start blowing raspberries over and over. Do you know how hard it is to rock a baby to sleep when they're blowing raspberries? All I want to do is giggle - and that starts you laughing! When you want to make indian wah-wah noises you do it with the back of your hand instead of the front. You've learned to click your tongue - and mimic us when we do it - and we discovered when you hear ladies in high heels on hard floors you start clicking your tongue to mimic the sound!

You still love to sit on the front steps and watch the cars go by, you crane your neck for each one. You can say hi and bye. You love to stand holding onto the couch, and can walk along getting what you want. You army crawl and roll your way to whatever you want on the floor, which is usually the remote control. You are definitely mobile. You can take bites of food now, and chew, and you don't gag! You can even pick some of it up yourself. We share all our meals now, you're eating basically everything we eat - and you like it all, even the Indian take out.

On Tuesdays and Thursdays when I leave you at daycare you cry. It hurts so bad. But I listen at the door and once it's shut you only let out one more sob, and then they say you're fine. You like to make your mama feel guilty! And you are pretty attached to me right now. If I'm around you want me to hold you, which is so, so awesome...except for when I'm trying to eat something that needs 2 hands.

You can still be very serious, but love to flirt with checkout girls and waitresses. There's always a smile for the pretty ladies. Fathers hide your daughters - you're too cute for your own good.

9.5

2011-04-04T18:52:00.000-07:00

Stats only. We had a late appointment this month
Weight: 18 lbs, 2 oz
Height: 27 inches
Head: 47 cm

And am I the only one who finds the fact that they mix metric and English units annoying? You're like a little baby caricature - in the 7th percentile for height, 15th percentile for weight, and 92nd percentile for head size. The most adorable caricature ever.

9 months

2011-03-20T18:19:00.000-07:00

This guy does not want to sit still anymore.

Look ma - the bear can fly!

Good conversation.

And there's our smile!

Maybe I can take your face off?

Looking like he did something very wrong.

Hardcore toy playing.

Looking a little smug.

I love shadows!

Eliot's first St Patty's Day. Passed out and puke all over himself - typical Irishman.

Concentrating on learning to use those fingers.

Zeroing in on the crumbs.

Leave me alone mom.

It's been a rough, long winter. We are all excited that the weather is warming up and we're getting outside more. Your first winter was the fifth snowiest winter on record. We've seen way too much of the white stuff this year and are looking forward to being outside.
When I think about how much you've changed in the last 9 months it overwhelms me. You've been in the world as long as you were inside me. These past 18 months you started as a speck, no bigger across than the tip of a pencil, into a beautiful, yet so very helpless, little newborn, into this little person. A little person who is starting to make his own wants and ideas known more and more. I read somewhere that when newborns come out they miss the womb, and I really believe you did. You weren't fully formed, you almost needed something we couldn't give you because you wanted to be safe inside me and everything was so very overwhelming. Now you are a true inhabitant of the world...and you love it.
You are good at hurtling yourself in the direction that you want to go, but you're not really moving yet. You can crawl backwards, but that just ends up frustrating you more. You're able to go from a sitting position into a crawling position, but not quite vice-versa yet. You love to stand and walk with someone holding you, or hold on to things while you stand. If I let you go for a few seconds you'll balance on your own.
You have said Mama, but I don't think you know what it means. You've signed milk, but I'm not sure you're connecting the two...and you're always signing milk (so maybe you are connecting the two...you are such a snacker, you want to eat all the time). You will say hi to us, wave goodbye sometimes, say bye, and give high fives. I don't believe you know what you're saying with anything yet though - just mimicing - but it's so exciting to hear you start to talk. You can also click your tongue - and will do it on command. You can thank your grandma for that one - she's always clicking her tonge at you! You've also learned to scream. I took you to Target this month and you spent the whole time screaming (happily) over and over again in the store. It was so cute. I think I love this age because I don't have to discipline you or try and quiet you.
You hate having your clothes changed. You love baths, love your parents, love the cat and dog, love windows and outside, and love books. You even have preferences of which books you like the best. Your favorites are Brown Bear, Brown Bear and a Dr Seuss one, Wet Pet Dry Pet Your Pet My Pet. We read books every night before bed now and you help turn the pages. You are so playful now, and interested in everything as you see it...like dust! cat! dog! food! Mama!! You're just so aware of what's going on around you!
You're eating more and more food all the time. Your favorite is sweet potatos with apples...and I don't disagree with you, it is amazing. You sit with us at meals and have little bites of what we're having, and practice trying to pick up food yourself. It keeps you very busy.
Some sleep switch flipped in you when you turned 8 months old and you've been sleeping SO MUCH BETTER. It was bad, kid. I really don't know how I functioned. You're going 4-6 hour stretches (except at the moment because you're teething) and you're able to wake up and go back to sleep - by yourself. I went through four months of 1-2 hour stretches of sleep a night max. And I didn't sell you. You're welcome.
You're still a small baby but you have such an enormous head. Consider that a gift from your parents, welcome to the world of not being able to find hats that fit. You have your top two teeth and bottom two teeth - the ones next to your top two are just about to come in. You are beautiful and perfect and I think you are the handsomest baby I've ever seen. Next month - double digits!

Favorite Things

2011-02-24T06:18:00.000-08:00

I have to stop myself sometimes. From the consumerism. From buying this little person everything out there. Right now he doesn't even care. He starts getting into zippers and buttons and I think, Oh! I could go get one of those dog toys with zippers and buttons! While he is content to play with the ones on my shirt. He loves my car keys...and I think, Oh! I could buy him that set of car keys for babies I saw at Target! While I can also just detach the key I need from its ring and give him the rest to play with. I love showing him new things though, I love blowing his mind. The first time we bounced a ball in front of him he wouldn't stop giggling...I would do most anything to make him giggle like that over and over again. And I have to stop and think, that buying him everything isn't what's going to make him happy. Buying him everything now may set a precedent too....one that my pocketbook can't keep up with once he's into Xboxes and Hockey.

But I also stopped to think about my childhood. About the things that stuck with me. The things that made me the happiest. And mostly it wasn't things. It was my parents tucking me into bed every night and kissing us goodnight. The way they used to make the blankets fly up above us, and make us laugh right before going to sleep. Sunday mornings climbing into my parents bed with the newspaper and reading the funnies, all 5 of us up there, plus the cat (and - is that even going to happen anymore? Everyone climbing in bed to read the kindle doesn't sound as great as spreading the paper all over the bed. I'm mourning the downturn of the paper). Making pillow forts out of the couch cushions. Roughhousing. Trips to the Y with my dad, swimming, basketball, and exploring...and always the smell of spilled coffee in his car. Baking cookies and pretending we were in the batter. Licking the spoon. Shopping with my mom. Summer trips to Valleyfair, and we always had a picnic lunch in the back of the car. Swimming pools in the backyard. Those twilight summer games that would spontaneously happen with the neighbor kids - kick the can, red rover, some ghost game. Playing in the woods - god we loved to play in the woods. We played so hard sometimes! Building snow forts. Sledding, and coming in for hot chocolate. Fires in the fireplace and telling ghost stories. Sitting in the gutter and letting the water stream over our backs when it rained (we lived in a cul-de-sac, there was no traffic - don't judge!). Summer weekends at the cabin, and smells are such a huge part of my memory, I can literally taste the grass and sunscreen while I'm writing this. Bonfires at the cabin. Mom making pancakes for breakfast. Driving home from any holiday at my grandparents. I will never feel as safe and secure as I used to feel falling asleep in the car coming home from a holiday. There is an unmatched exhaustion after playing with your cousins and gorging yourself on food, and an unmatched sense of security experienced in the presence of your parents as a child. I will probably never feel that secure, and never sleep that well again. Too many adult worries and responsibilities. And you don't appreciate that while you have it, if you knew how little control and security your parents really had over the world, you wouldn't have it anyways.

And oh! How I hope I can afford these things for my son! How I hope I can give him half of the security and contentment that my parents gave me.

Eight is Great

2011-02-18T09:47:00.000-08:00

Yea. I had to go there. Happy eigth monthday little man!

Not sure why the splayed legs. Sitting stability? And I'm sure he thanked me for finally dressing him in a long sleeved onesie. It's February and it's been cold for months!

Feeding our childs plastic bottle obsession.

And balls. This kid loves balls.

Ha. This would also be his pooping face. You go Eli!

Teething biscuits are surprisingly like dog biscuits. He's surprised as well.

First time in a swing - we had a couple 40-50 degree days where we could get outside. He loved the swing and I can't wait for summer. We will spend a lot of time at this park!

In a surprising fit of domesticity, I sewed Eliot a taggies blanket. He loves it, and I am so proud of myself. Full disclosure though. Grandma helped, and did the finishing touches. Thank goodness for Grandma's guidance!

The following pictures were not taken by us. They are just a few of the incredible pictures by my friend Jessica who took Eli's 6 month photos (as well as my maternity photos and Eli's newborn photos). They are amazing and if you are looking for a professional photographer she is your girl. She's also expecting a little one of her own - congratulations Jess & Derek!!

This photo needs a caption above his head. And I love it.

Seriously. My heart.

Those eyes!

Looking more grown up than he has a right to.

Just like last month, this is the best month ever! Are you seeing a trend here? You've come a long way this month. You're even more interactive, you love people. Love new places. You learned to wave bye-bye, you have separation anxiety...which breaks my heart because I have to drop you off at daycare twice a week and it's so hard to leave when you're crying and reaching out to me. And that! You reach out to people you want to hold you now. It may be the most amazing feeling in the world to be trusted and loved by a baby. Because we had to work to get here, and you trust us and reach out to us and you are so innocent. It's indescribable to be the one you want to go to. I am humbled by your love.

You're a champion sitter - you could sit forever. You're not crawling yet but you get up on all fours and rock back and forth. I'm fine with that - I am so excited for you to crawl but not excited to baby proof. You are fairly proficient at sliding yourself backwards. You poor thing, it looks frustrating! You learned to blow raspberries this month and it makes your dad and me laugh so much. It's my favorite trick of yours. I tried to rock you to sleep the first night you learned it and you just sat there and blew raspberries for about 20 minutes. I had to keep myself from busting out laughing so you would go to sleep. You still sing yourself to sleep, especially in the car. It is so stinking cute. You love music. When there's a song you like you'll rock back and forth to it. You love faces, you touch peoples faces all the time. You are still obsessed with the cat and the dog. They tolerate you. The dog is starting to realize you drop food, you may become his favorite soon enough. You're eating more food - spinach, peas, carrots, broccoli, chicken, sweet potatoes, bananas, yogurt, blueberries, mangoes, avocado...and there's more that I've forgotten. You want everything off our plate, and it makes me want to be a better eater! You almost have your top two teeth in, they're so close I can feel them! You're just a lot of fun. You love to play, love to be tickled and surprised and held upside down (which your dad is more than happy to oblige you in), love cars and trucks, and you have a circle of people you know and love and who love you right back more than you'll ever realize. I cherish every moment I get with you, every moment when I am your world, because I know you are going to grow up so fast and although I'll always be your mama, you'll be much more independent. Which is good. And sad. You adore your dad. You guys are going to be trouble - and its so special to see you together. You're a lucky boy, to have such a great dad. You're a better sleeper now. You sleep longer and easier...it's nice. We love you lots little boy. I cannot believe how fast you're growing. Feel free to slow down any time.

Pay it forward

2011-02-04T05:10:00.001-08:00

So, I need your help. I know I don't get many comments, but I think there are 4 or 5 people out there who read this thing...I would love to get the help of some people more creative than I am!

A little background - 2011 has been kind of a downer so far. I can't complain too much, nothing horrible or life altering (knock on wood) has occurred, but I've just been down. Between this weather we've been having, the lack of sleep, the dog constantly needing and not getting attention, the cat looking old and maybe on his last leg, the fact that I don't feel like I have enough time to devote to my marriage or myself, the fact that I haven't been working out as much as I need to to keep me sane, work, the baby having separation anxiety, teething, and the ten million colds and one awful weight loss flu that has hit our house it's just been not exactly happy. But I'm not trying to complain here, just dealing with normal every day stresses at our place.

This morning I stopped at a local coffee shop to get a cup of tea. After ordering I looked down and there was a note something to the effect of "A friendly neighbor bought the first $100 in drinks this morning - it's your lucky day!"

Now doesn't that just make you think?! $100. In some ways, it's a somewhat trivial amount, I can spend $100 at Target in no time at all. But it's not trivial...it's a week of groceries, 2 weeks of gas, a new outfit, or a really nice dinner out. Someone gave that up for themselves to give happiness to other people. And he did (the barista said it was a he), my mood is lifted, I feel a little bit better about humanity today, as corny as that may sound, and I'm proud of my neighbors and I want to pay it forward.

But I don't know what to do.

I don't have $100 to give away (did I mention our dishwasher broke? And we just had to buy a new washing machine? Sigh). But I could afford some money, but I'm not even sure what to do. I don't ever go to drive through restaurants, which I think is the typical thing to do - buy the next person's tab. I could shovel the whole sidewalk next time it snows...but I usually don't get home in time to do it before our neighbors do ours. Help me out internet, how do I pass this good feeling on to others??

7 Months

2011-01-18T07:01:00.000-08:00

7 months old. Mom's timing was off, so the smile was a little less on than the other months.

He's got a mean right hook. He may be trying to tell me he's done with these monthly pictures. Too bad kiddo - you're mine until you can walk away. How's that for motivation?

Kisses from Grandma on Christmas Eve Morning. You should be used to this by now.

Christmas morning and looking ridiculously excited about his sled.

First swimming lessons!

Granpda - 58 years old on the 18th. Eliot - 7 months on the 18th. Eliot really dressed up for our dinner out.

This kid wants to do everything we do.

Ha. Haha. My litlle elf.

Twins. About 30 years apart.

Okay, so I'm backdating this because we had The Plague and then I had to travel for work. Really, there was no ability to write anything coherent when you think you're going to die. It is so hard to leave out the stuff that he learned to do in the last week!!

I feel like I'm going to forget so much. Too much. I'm trying so hard to write it all down but there are so many little things, little routines you get into, that disappear without us noticing. You do this thing with your hands, we call it motorcycle hands, where you look like you're revving a motorcycle. You think it's funny when I sound like a monkey. When you're in your saucer you'll jump now if I jump. You love mirrors and give huge smiles to the baby you see in there. You'll have squealing conversations (okay, so they're one-sided) with the cat and the dog, trying to get them to respond! You've got your 2 bottom teeth and are getting your top ones soon - I can tell because you're not sleeping and chewing on everything that gets in your way. Including us. Your first swim lessons were this month. You liked it - liked watching your hand move through the water. Your favorite part was when they gave you a rubber duck to chase after. You like to move through the water to get it. That class is so full of cuteness it's sick. 13 babies under 2 years old. Ridiculous. You are SO ready to move. You're getting into a crawling position, but kind of slide onto your stomach pretty quickly after that. You lunge yourself at whatever you want - and just expect us to catch you. Before, I was thinking it would be no big deal when you started moving but all of a sudden your activity level has skyrocketed. It's gonna be nuts.

Food. You're a pretty good eater - you love bananas, sweet potatos, carrots, apples, pears, and blueberries. You're not so nuts about peaches, mangoes, green beans, and avocado. Not really big on anything green yet.

Christmas was this month. It was a lot for all of us - but such a special day. We got you a sled, a spinning car toy, balls, and clothes. You were true to the old saying that you enjoyed the wrapping paper more. Your grandparents did a good job of not going too overboard on your gifts - you won't remember and you won't play with gifts you get this age anyways. It was fun to have a little child in the family though - I missed that. You love a crowd though - you don't mind being passed around at all, and skipped all your naps that day. Overwhelming, but such a fun day.
It's 2011 now. No longer the year you were born....you're getting too close to 1 year old for my comfort but there's no slowing you down.

6 months! Half a year! AH!

2010-12-18T14:10:00.000-08:00

Pretty sure the bear shrunk this month.

Pre-food practice time

A christmas elf!

Eli's first snowstorm - he was unimpressed. We left him sitting there for about 15 minutes and he didn't make a peep. Probably overwhelmed by our parenting skills.

His lack of enthusiasm continues

And here he's just giving me the stink eye. You live in Minnesota kid, get used to the weather.

First trip to Underwater World at MOA - he loved it!

Vikings Cheerleaders. All Eli could pay attention to was BOOBS. Typical boy!

HARDCORE!

Thumbs up to apples mom - I had no idea toys could taste so good!

6 months. How has it been half a year since you were born. You look oh so big to me now, even though I already know I'll look back and wonder at how small you once were! You are so able, and you're not even walking. You're reaching, stretching, twisting, throwing, crying, laughing, smiling, screaming, grabbing your way into whatever you want. And we help you. We let you. We want you too but at the same time don't. I want you to stay my baby, to be this sweet and this exciting and new forever. But that would be a disservice, because you are ready to get into everything, and I can't wait to see you grow. Grabbing our plates, our phones, our cups, our hands, my hair, my lips, my heart. You play now, all by yourself - you take your toys and hit them together and fling them to the floor. You're so surprised at what you can do! I can see the amusement in your eyes when you make something happen....the fact that you can manipulate the world! I can see the little boy you are slowly becoming, your face matured this month, your body is so much longer, so much bigger. You got your first tooth and I've never been so excited about a tooth in my life. You ate your first food and thought it was a little weird...sweet potatoes...I adore them so I figured you'd immediately love them. But I think you need to try it a couple more times to get the hang of what food is, you're going to love food if you're anything like me! You're sitting now, and almost getting into crawling positions, you get your little butt up in the air, but you're not quite there yet. We'll wait. It's all going so fast. You adore the cat and the dog - that cat is going to be your motivation to crawl!

You can be quite serious. It takes you a second to warm up to people. But you get in moods where you'll crack up at one thing over and over. Your dad is best at this, apparently he's hilarious. You played peek-a-boo for the first time, laughing over and over as you hid your face and popped back up and we yelled peek-a-boo. Your dad makes monkey noises and you are rolling in giggles. We all make fools out of ourselves for you. You had your first thanksgiving, and quite enjoyed the party. You love being busy, being entertained, any sort of stimulation! Christmas is coming and I can't wait. You already love staring at the lights on the tree - you'll love wrapping paper. Merry Christmas little man. 2011 look out - it's gonna be a big year for you!

Stats:

16 lbs, 15 oz

25.25 inches

46 cm head

5, 6, 31

2010-11-18T16:50:00.000-08:00

Eliot, 5 months

I will eat this bear. I AM A BIG BOY MAMA
These two....loves of my life

The neglected one - 6 years old today!

Just chilling.Trick or Treat. Now how do I get over there...

31. Happy birthday to me too.

Could you get any cooler Eli? We're having a blast watching you grow. Lots of new stuff this month - your babbling continues to get more and more diverse. You have little conversations with yourself all the time. You "sing" when we do, especially when we're rocking you. You love music - love us to sing to you. Your favorites are Twinkle Twinkle Little Star and Old McDonald. You get this huge smile on your face every time we sing either one. So we sing them a lot. I never get sick of making you smile and giggle, so I'm often acting like a complete fool. You love it though - wait til you're a teenager....just remember, you started this habit! You're better at rolling, can roll from your back to your side, but never bother to roll to your tummy, but you don't really love being on your tummy, so I think it's a choice. You can almost sit up on your own, and do it for short periods of time, but you topple pretty quick. You love your saucer, and your little einstein music toy. You are not such a fan of your carseat lately. You play with a sippy cup now, and grab for our cups and food. You're pretty close to eating real food yourself...and I can't believe how fast that's coming up. You've got an awesome laugh, and join in when people around you are laughing...trying to be part of the group already. You are so freaking cute - people stop me to tell me how cute you are. You're still pretty gross though. Daycare talks about how gassy you are, you cover everything with spitup, and you are great at having ill-timed explosive poops. Like I said, it's a good thing you're cute, we'll keep ya.

ZZZZs

2010-10-26T10:58:00.000-07:00

So, having had a baby, I have learned that I would not judge other peoples parenting decisions (parenting decisions within reason of course). I think some of this parenting thing is just treading water and doing the best you can with what you have and the insane amount of conflicting information.

Me? Right now? I'm going with my gut.

So sleep. Ever since I got pregnant it's become HUGE. Like I need it, I love it, I gotta have it. After Eli was born, sleep was even more important. And for a while, it felt like all we both did even though there was never enough of it. When Eli first got home, I couldn't bear for him to be apart from me, I couldn't sleep if he was away from me and *I* didn't know that he was ok. I was his mama and only I could be sure he'd be ok. But he kept on breathing, he was fine while other people were holding him, and my crazy brain settled down on that part. We tried co-sleeping a few times, but our little man had some serious gas issues and wiggled and kicked like nobody's business. So he slept in lots of different places, many times on us. Mostly, we stole sleep wherever we could get it, on the couch, bed, floor, etc. Chris used to let him sleep on his stomach (GASP!) while he watched him so I could get at least a 3-4 hour stretch before he went to bed himself. Babies are hard on a breastfeeding woman, desperate times and whatnot. One night, Chris discovered the swing. And oh, what a wonderous tool that was. From about 7 weeks until about 12-13 weeks our little bug would sleep in his swing, sometimes 9 hours at a stretch, and every so often I worried that we would be rigging up a swing for a 16 year old boy to sleep in, but I got over it. It was sleep, it was LONG sleep, and I was human again. Around 13 weeks, something changed. He had a major growth spurt and all of a sudden the swing was EVIL no good very rotten and scream-inducing. Oh swing, even though I worried about what we were doing to our baby with you, I miss you so much for your sleep inducing ways. So, Eli would suddenly sleep nowhere but in the bed. With me! Which, because he was growth spurting and I was back to work was totally fine, because that little guy was up every 2 hours eating. We were both a little crabby about it too. There was no way I was getting my ass outta bed 5 times a night to go feed him. Growth spurts are hard on everyone. That settled down, although he still wouldn't sleep in his swing. He started going to bed earlier and earlier, until it moved to 6:30, which is where it's at now. He slept in his pack n play for about a day until I went to bed, and then would come sleep with us, and then that was not the answer either. White noise worked for a while, but for about 2 weeks we couldn't figure out anything that worked other than holding him until I decided to go to sleep, where he would sleep pretty well, only waking up about 2-3 times to eat. So now, I put him down in our bed at 6:30, where he sleeps until I come to bed. If you move him to his pack n play, he wakes up screaming within seconds. Not sure why he's decided it's evil, but whatever for now. He's sleeping. I'm sleeping. Chris is sleeping. Yes, he's in our bed, yes my pediatrician has berated me for this. But do you know what? It's working. We're all sleeping. He's not going to sleep in our bed forever. It's safe. And I get to cuddle with my little man every night, which is important for this working mama. People have been doing this since the beginning, it feels like the most natural thing in the world for us right now, and I just don't have the energy to get up every 5 minutes to calm him down from screaming in his pack n play, and I refuse to let him cry it out...he's an escalator (stairs? ha.), and he would only pass out from exhaustion and our hearts couldn't take it.

So yes, I co-sleep. I'm not going to be ashamed of it either. I've found that most people ask me if I'm going to roll over onto him...I just won't and I just don't. There's some sort of 6th sense with him...it sounds crazy but there is. From admitting what we're doing, I've found other parents who do it too. It's all hush-hush and not socially acceptable, but I saw a statistic that 70% of parents do it in some shape or form at one time or another. My baby will still be independent one day, and will grow up way too fast. If he needs to be close to his mama when he's only 4 months old, so be it. So I'm giving it time. It may not work for us tomorrow, it may still work for us in a year. Either way, it works for now.

4 months

2010-10-18T05:55:00.000-07:00

4 months

This last month was the greatest thing I've ever seen. All the time I tell you, I demand, to just stop. Just stop right there. Because this. THIS. This is the best it's ever been and it can't get any better. Just freeze, just for a minute. But you don't and it keeps getting better. You are no longer a newborn, this month you became a baby. Your neck popped out and you can look at anything you want now, swinging that big noggin around. You are still a talker, your noises get more and more diverse, and I hear new ones all the time. You will talk to anyone, and love to join in conversations or talk to the books too while we're reading. You're talking to me right now, as I'm typing. Sitting in your exersaucer trying to get my attention while I try and at least capture this last month. It just felt like such a huge month! Your hands can grab most anything now, you need a toy when we leave the house or when you're in your carseat. You love to stand, like to sit up, and always need to be facing out....such an independent little man already....you don't really like to cuddle, but love being held. You're ticklish now and you have a throaty giggle that we can't get enough of. We also have definitive proof that you're your fathers' son, as you like to sit out on the front stoop at night and watch the cars go by, your little neck craning to see the tail lights on each one. You learned to roll over from your tummy to your back, and I have never seen so much pride in your eyes when you do! Your daddy and I just can't get enough of you, our entire family just can't get enough of you, and we are enjoying every minute we get to spend with you.

Stats -

Weight: 15 lbs 8 oz

Height: 25"

Head: 44 cm

3 Months

2010-09-19T08:53:00.000-07:00

And in the blink of an eye, you're 3 months old! And cute as a button. He looks exactly the same, except taller!

This month has been a great one. You've become even more talkative, cooing and gurgling back at us. You've even added some consonants to your cooing - I've heard some G's and M's in there lately. You actually say mama when you are crying really hard. But never when you're happy! It's all ooh's and aah's then. You laugh and squeal now too! This is my new favorite thing. This month your hands have really started to work. You've been grabbing and batting at things. The first time you went to grab something, you put your hands behind it and tried to open and close your fingers! I had no idea it took so much work to learn to use our hands, and it is amazing to watch you learn. You sometimes grab onto what you want, but mostly you just get close to it or bat it.

You're much more awake lately, you're so very curious! Your new thing is that you do not want to be held facing towards us, but facing out. You need to see what's going on around you at all times. I love that you have that curiosity, that you seem interested in so much, and seem to love to learn. Don't lose that! You are a really good baby, always happy unless you're tired or hungry. We are so lucky to have you.

It was a challenging month too. You had your first week of daycare and I had my first week back at work. It was hugely emotional, and hard on both of us. You wouldn't take a bottle at daycare, which broke my heart. I came to get you and you felt about a pound lighter...then you ate all evening. By the end of the week though, after trying out some new bottles, you were sucking down bottles like nobody's business! I miss you like crazy during the week and call the daycare every day to see how you're doing.

You are getting to be more fun every day. You love going out! We spent your 3 month birthday at an apple orchard picking apples. We'll be making apple crisp tonight...and I'm sad you can't join in! Next year for sure. Let's make it a good one little man.

One more week - back to work.

2010-09-05T06:34:00.001-07:00

So although I'm having a hard time grappling with the fact that I have to go back to work, I'm trying to think of the good. There are positives to this maternity leave ending.

Daytime TV sucks, and when I'm home and Eliot is eating...that's all there is to do. I won't miss the TV at all.
Eliot will get to cultivate an amazing relationship with his grandparents. It's going to be awesome for all of them.
I miss the people at work, and I look forward to seeing them regularly!
I love Eli to death, but I do get a little bored sometimes. Infants are not known as great conversationalists. Winter would probably compound the boredness by a million since we spend a lot of time outside right now.
Eliot will get to meet other kids. He loves watching bigger kids play, and hopefully this will make him less shy as he grows since he has no siblings.
I'll be able to go to the bathroom without the fear of someone starting to scream and need my attention mid-stream.
Eli will be more used to taking a bottle, which means that I'll be able to leave the house more confidently. Right now he will take one, but sometimes nursing is the only answer. It will be nice to get out and know that he'll be ok without me.
I need an excuse to put on makeup and wear pants that don't have elastic waistbands. I miss getting myself ready!
I'm going back part time. More balance, 3 day weekends.

Believe me, there's a whole list of negatives staring me in the face that I'm not listing here - only the good stuff today. I'll miss my little bug like crazy!

2 Months

2010-08-18T04:26:00.000-07:00

Eliot, 2 months

Eliot is 2 months old today. Oh. My. God. Too fast little man. Oh, and is there anything cuter than a baby in a plain white onesie?!?!

What have you learned this month? You have become quite the talker - but only when you're in a good mood! You'll coo in response to our coos...and give us the biggest smiles ever while you're doing it! We've heard you laugh now too. It's so fun to see you try and communicate with us. You're part fish - you LOVE your baths, just sit and stare and splash. Your daddy is the same way - I can never get him out of the pool either. You're a big boy - last week you were weighed at the Dr's office and you weigh 13.3 lbs - that's 96 percentile! I find out how tall you are next week - you may take after your uncle Brian! You don't look big though - you look just perfect. You've gotten tons better at moving your head around, still love to look at windows, love to look at ceiling fans, love new faces, and are starting to get interested in toys. Your swing is your favorite thing ever. Thank god for that swing. You have a fussy time every evening and the only things that calm you down is to go outside (earlier in the evening), nurse, and then put you in your swing. You fall right asleep. I sometimes feel bad because I can't calm you down...but we're doing what works. You've started sleeping tons more - 6-8 hours a night. It is amazing, let me tell you. After the 6-8 hours you usually sleep another 1-3! We all feel more human. I am having a great time staying home with you, loving on you, and just spending time with you. I am dreading going back to work, but I know your grandma will take great care of you...it's daycare I worry about. I hope that they pay enough attention to you...that they remember to come see you and smile at you when you're happy, and not just when you're sad. You've got me wrapped around your little finger Eli, good thing you're too young to take advantage of it yet.

Back in the saddle again!

2010-08-05T10:21:00.000-07:00

I started working out again.

Do you hear that? That's the sound of my psyche realigning itself.

I feel so much better. I actually started last week. Slowly. Lifting some weights, doing a 15 minute post-natal video, taking some walks. It was hard when I was feeling fairly sleep deprived. But Eliot's sleeping better and I'm learning to sleep in more. I've played tennis (albeit horribly, it's been over a year since I've held a racket), rode the spin bike, taken really long walks, and upped my weight routine. I am horrendously out of shape, it's a strange feeling. I also keep having phantom pregnancy experiences. I hesitate before picking something up off the ground, or bending in a certain way because I'm looking out for my belly. It is so great to move how I want to again!! I am bound and determined to at least fit back into my looser work pants before I get back. I can't wear maternity clothing and elastic waistbands forever. I am so excited to be biking again too! That means I can bike into work when I go back!Working out has improved my mood so much. I had a breakdown Monday because I just didn't feel good about myself anymore. It's not completely about weight, although that is some of it, but it's about endorphins and health and just simply feeling like I could walk home if I got stranded 5 miles away. I hope I'll be able to keep this up when I go back to work...it's going to be hard to balance work, a baby, and my need to work out. Thank god for the jogging stroller, but winters are going to be hard. I want to figure out a way to include Eliot in my workouts, so that I'm not shorting an area of my life...but it's often too cold to bring the baby jogging. Sigh. Shifting priorities here I suppose - even though working out ensures my sanity and patience. I'll have to find time to fit it in.

For 7 weeks postpartum I feel pretty good though. My belly is fairly gone, even though I don't think my belly button will ever be the same...it's all stretched out and weird! I've dropped all but 10 pounds from where I started, even though I want to be about 10 pounds below that. I don't diet though, just try not to overindulge, and work out as much as possible. I know it's possible that my hips have widened forever, but I really believe that if I lose this weight I'll fit back into most of my pants no problem.

I hope so anyways. There's no money for a whole new wardrobe no matter how much fun that sounds!

The strangest things!

2010-07-26T08:55:00.000-07:00

So motherhood has made some strange things happen for me....

I have broken 4 cups, 1 bowl, and 1 coffee mug (filled with the last bit of ice cream in the house - sigh) since bringing Eliot home. We had to go buy more cups, unfortunately the bowl and coffee mug are discontinued. I haven't broken that many dishes since we got them at our wedding 5 years ago. Being one-handed is not my style.
I am constantly covered in some sort of baby fluid. Mother nature really counts on the cuteness factor to overcome the ick factor of these really gross babies.
I put the butter in the freezer after making toast and laughed at Chris for putting the butter in the freezer. It was me.
It seems like all I eat, and all I have time to eat, is toast.
I must always remember to at least glance in a mirror before leaving the house. I've left with a giant gob of peanut butter on my face (from toast), and a giant smear of charcoal from some wood fired pizza that my lovely friends brought for me. Both times I have had conversations with people while looking like a hot mess.
I'm nursing. I'm so worried I'm going to forget and walk outside without my shirt completely done up. This is not far out of the realm of possibilities because it feels like I'm constantly feeding him and therefore constantly have my shirt undone.
The cat started chewing on my shoes since we brought the baby home. Now I also have to remember to put them in the closet. Sadly, my favorite sandals have cat bite marks all over them because I'm so used to just walking in the door and taking off my shoes.

I'm sure I'll get a routine going...for now, on with the strangeness!

One Month

2010-07-18T09:05:00.000-07:00

Eliot - newborn

Eliot - 1 month

Today you are one month old Eliot. This month went so fast, I'm sure the next 11 will fly by too. You have changed so much! It seems like most of your developments have happened in the last week. You've smiled at us (ah! My heart melted at this), you will actually look at our faces now and study us. You love to look out the windows, and enjoy your toy with the blinking lights. You are noisy! You've still got a lot of gas little guy and you're constantly trying to work it out. You spend most nights keeping us awake with your grunts and straining noises. Otherwise you are a perfect baby. Your fussiness is usually short lived. You're getting really good at getting your fists to your mouth, and really love it when you find your thumb. You don't often find your thumb though! You're so much more aware now! Your eyes are open so much more lately. It's a great thing, other than when I want to take a shower or shove some food into my mouth. You're somewhat scheduled on your own doing (believe me, I have almost no ability to affect when you're hungry, awake, or sleepy). Most of the time we get one 4 hour stretch of sleep at night. Otherwise it's 2 hour stretches. I love that 4 hour stretch and am very crabby when it doesn't appear! You love to sleep on our chests and love your back patted. You love your Ergo carrier too!! Your daddy likes to carry you in stores sometimes - all the ladies make a big deal out of you. You get a lot of comments on how beautiful your coloring is too - you look like I left you in the sun to tan! You're a beautiful boy Eliot, I can't wait to see more of your personality. I can't wait to make you laugh and giggle!

It's going so fast already....slow your roll little man.

Only and Already

2010-07-07T11:51:00.000-07:00

How can you only be 19 days old? How can you already be 19 days old?

It's like some sort of crazy time warp, where I can't imagine life without you, but I can see how fast this is going. How you immediately started catapaulting towards toddlerhood, childhood, adulthood. How each moment I get to hold you and cuddle with you is precious, a moment in time I will never get back, a moment you may not allow me to have in a few short years.

Oh Eliot. What have we learned since you got here? You love to stare at lights. You'll quietly enjoy windows or lights with your big brown eyes for long periods of time. You'll look at your dad and I, but for shorter periods of time. We figure you're bored by us already. You smile sometimes when you're full...maybe it's gas...but it's the right muscles and your smile is beautiful. You're strong, so very very strong! You can hold your head up, turn it around and to where you want it, and you place it back down on our chests instead of letting it flop. And you have a huge head kid, so this is no small feat! You can roll from your back onto your side, which scares your mama quite regularly. You make the funniest noises. You often sound like a dolphin. Chris and I can't even reproduce some of the sounds you make. I've tried to catch them on video, but you're making them more rarely now....and unpredictably of course. You sleep a ton...and don't care where you are once you're asleep. If you're fussy, you want to be held, love to be rocked, and to have your back patted or rubbed. It's good for all of us. I love rocking you, even if there are things I'm supposed to be getting done. I love that you make me slow down and help you relax. The ultimate is if we'll let you suck on one of our fingers, we reserve that for when you're almost inconsolable...you're either not interested or don't get the pacifier thing. Which is ok with us! You're still a great eater, and we're both getting more comfortable with setting up to eat. Your dad is a pro at calming you down, and I'm the one with the food. You can definitely identify me, the milk lady. You love walks and mostly fall asleep every time we leave the house. If you're in the stroller or ergo carrier you're most likely asleep. If not asleep, you're just quietly awake...unless you're hungry....but that's an easy fix. It's been great for getting out of the house, which is awesome because I'm getting a little stir crazy. You've had a heck of a time learning how to fart and poop. You strain constantly and I feel so bad for you...you'll strain for hours and then let out one little toot. New guts must be incredibly hard to break in. You're getting better though, learning already! Sometimes I feel like I should be "doing" more with you. Infants aren't really interested in much. Cuddles and lights...it's pretty easy actually unless you get fussy. You're amazing. I spend more time watching you than tv. I love being with you, love watching you try and process things, love it that you calm down if you're hungry and I call out to you, love when you let out your little contented sigh when you're full, or curl up on my chest to fall asleep.

I love you Eliot, my little Eli, my little bug. Forgive your mama for all the sap....she's new at this.

The birth story

2010-06-30T10:36:00.000-07:00

If you don't want to read a birth story, stop here. I'm writing this down for me. It may have information that you never wanted to know. So the above picture? That was it - the most pregnant I ever was, at 40 weeks, 5 days. It was taken about 5 minutes before we left for the hospital on Wednesday, June 16th. It's about 7pm. I had been having contractions since that morning, and had been to the dr earlier in the day to get checked and was 2 cm dialated and she confirmed I was in early labor. I had gone in because I had my bloody show - which was the first of the most disgusting things I have ever seen my body produce experiences. By 6 pm I had contractions 3-5 minutes apart that I couldn't walk or talk through for about the last 3 hours, so I called into the hospital to see if I should come in. Unfortunately the midwife on call had a family emergency so I ended up with an OBGYN, which made me nervous, but proved to be an interesting comparison between styles later on. We were admitted to triage around 8pm Wednesday night, I was checked and was confirmed to be 2.5 cm dialated (progress!). So they had me walk around for a couple of hours to see if I would make any more of that "progress" we were looking for. There was no place to walk really, just a couple of hallways to pace back and forth on, but Chris and I paced them for hours. We had the nurse let us off the unit to wander the hospital at one point because oh my god it was boring....other than the contractions which had become a lot more irregular at this point. The contractions themselves? Well yes, they were painful, and yes, you have to concentrate to get through them....but strangely, I didn't really mind them. I could totally deal with them one by one. My yoga breathing helped, as did staying positive. The nurses even commented how well I was breathing through them. After a couple of hours of walking, they checked me again and I was at a 3. We were all disappointed with my progress, but I was officially progressing and in labor with my contractions 3 minutes apart, so they admitted me. They knew it was moving slowly (normal labor progresses at about a cm an hour, I'd gone a cm in about 10 hours). They wanted me to get some sleep, so they offered morphine and some medicine to help me sleep. This is the only thing I think I regret, I wish I would've not taken it...but at the same time, I wouldn't have slept at all if I hadn't, or only about 2 minutes at a time. Hindsight, who knows what would've happened had I chosen another path. So we were given a room, given drugs and I slept fitfully through contractions that I could mostly still feel. In the morning I was checked again and I think I had made it to a 3.5 (things are a little fuzzy in my mind). Since it was morning, the midwife on call was going to take over. Before he did (yes! He! The only male midwife and exactly what I didn't want, but that's who I got - worked out awesome, but still freaked me out at that point) the OB came in and told me I needed pitocin, my water broken, and an epidural. I was glad she was leaving. When my midwife got there, I had tried the bath, the birthing ball, and been walking again. He checked me, I think I was at a 4 (quick progress!), and I asked him what he thought. He said although I was making slow progress, it was still progress, and we should see what my body would do. It was exactly what I needed to hear. The contractions stayed irregular, and I started to have a lot of back pain, which I attributed to sleeping on a crappy hospital bed, but apparently was back labor because the baby was kind of off-kilter...which is also why I wasn't progressing. He was looking up, and should've been looking down, so his head wasn't hitting my cervix, which meant I was dialating incredibly slowly. He had me try some positions to turn the baby, and explained that breaking my water would actually hinder progress at this point because the baby wouldn't have any cushion to turn. Someone mentioned that my midwife, John, had a knack for predicting a baby's weight. I told him that I was 9lbs 1oz at birth, and asked him what he thought my baby was. He thought 8lbs, 5oz, which he said he cheated and adjusted for my higher birth weight. Under 9lbs sounded great to me. About 1pm John checked me again and I had made no progress. None. Still at a 4, and I had been in labor for approximatey 27 hours at this point. I was exhausted and slightly hung-over feeling from the morphine. John went out and when he came back I was crying and slightly freaking out....I was just so frustrated that nothing was moving and I was so very tired. He said that he thought we needed to use pitocin to get labor going. Although I had told myself I really wanted to try and go without an epidural, the words were on the tip of my tongue. John did a really good job of calming me down, and worked me through the fact that my birth plan was not set in stone (which I knew). Labor is intensely emotional, and you don't necessarily get another chance, and I really wanted to try and do it myself. When they said that the contractions would get stronger and closer together, and I still had 6 cm to go, I knew that I needed a break. I broke down, I asked for the epidural. Getting the epidural itself is no big deal, the scariest part is the side effects (hypotension, a headache for weeks, hitting something in your spine, infection). They had to try and put it in twice because I have small spaces between my spine. Again, everyone was so nice and commented how well I was staying still during the contractions (already had the pitocin), and how a lot of people wouldn't have gone this long. Of course, I became hypotensive immediately after getting the epidural (I knew I would). But that quickly passed. I could no longer feel anything except a sometimes tightening high up in my abdomen. Luckily it didn't deaden my legs totally and the nurse was greatful for how well I could move my legs around. So was I. Once you get an epidural, they put in a catheter (fun times) and you basically wait until you feel like you have to poop. I did not like the epidural, it was an awful feeling to have people touch you and sort of feel it, and to not have full control over your limbs. I hope to never get one again if I do go into labor, but I'm not against them. I believe that if I hadn't had it, the outcome to my labor would've been very different. One good thing - I was hungry. I hadn't eaten anything since about lunchtime on Wednesday and I was allowed jello, juice, soda, anything liquid. I binged on jello and frozen ice pops. My water broke on its own a few hours later (embarassing to have to ask a nurse to come clean that up since you can't move) and around 9pm I felt like I needed to push with my contractions (I could feel them more and more). They checked me and I was at 10 cm. It took 6 hours - 6 hours that I was able to rest up for pushing. They let me labor down until I felt like I couldn't handle it anymore (and you'll know, it feels like you HAVE to push, there's no choice with each contraction). So the nurse I'd been with all day starts talking about how she's excited to meet my baby (she's 26 weeks pregnant with her 3rd child herself) and John starts talking about how the 17th is a great day for a birthday. At 9:30 pm they turn off my epidural and take out my catheter and let me push in a couple of positions (still lying down though). I start pushing and after about 2-3 contractions I felt like I was in another world. The nurse really helped me relax between each contraction, and during each one I pushed 3 times (3 breaths) for 10 seconds each. Pushing was insane. I pushed for 2 hours, 45 minutes, and I was exhausted. I have never been so exhausted in my life. I ran a marathon in 2005, and I think pushing was harder. The crazy thing is that your body doesn't let you stop. I don't remember much during pushing. Just little things. I remember being upset that John kept coming in, looking at me, and leaving again. I knew that meant my baby wasn't close to being born. I remember saying that nothing was happening over and over. What I meant was that why the hell is this taking so long, I knew things were moving (oh, I knew, ouch), but it was taking forever. They had me reach down and feel his head, which I then got really upset and said "oh god, don't push him back in." They all laughed, but what I meant was I thought by touching him I might accidentally push him back in. And dear god I was working too hard to get him out for that. I remember saying "you've got to be kidding me" at the beginning of one contraction and everyone laughed. Otherwise I felt like I was going to puke at one point and I remember being really hot. I remember the pregnant nurse leaving, which I then realized it was 11pm and I was so sad that I was still pushing. I remember everyone yelling at me to push, and being incredibly annoyed at the new nurse for where she was putting the heart monitor for the baby. It was so uncomfortable to have that monitor there, and I just kept asking her to stop, and even took her hand off me at one time. I remember the new nurse kept repeating "that's a lot of baby down there" and I was really annoyed by that too. Like I didn't know that already. I remember the feeling of him coming out - it was insane and painful and weird. I will never forget that.

12:13 am, June 18th Eliot Michael arrives. When he came out, he wasn't breathing very well and was very gray, the umbilical cord was wrapped around him and his neck and John commented that they never heard a heart decel, which I attributed to the strength of my little man. They placed him on my belly and he looked right at me. Big open eyes, staring right for me. I don't know if that's a baby's reflex, but I will never forget him looking up at me, I would know my baby anywhere by his face right after that....I have tears in my eyes right now....he knew to look for his mommy. I didn't expect to, I really didn't, I thought it would take some time for me, I'm not a person to fall into anything quickly, but I was in love. They took him away and had him under the warmer (not part of my birth plan, but I didn't realize at the time that he was seriously having trouble breathing), so I kept asking them for my baby and seriously nobody responded to me. It was really frustrating. Finally the lady was done checking him and starts to get him dressed (after confirming that we were waiting on eye drops and the vitamin k shot thank god), and I got kind of snippy and said, just give me my baby like he is, don't dress him! She did, finally, and the first picture of the last post is me meeting Eliot. My little boy. The whole time John is stitching me up, I had a minor first degree tear, he said less than an episiotomy would've been. They weighed Eliot and everyone was very surprised to hear he was 9lbs, 5 oz. My big strong little man. He also had a 14 3/4 inch head. So yea, there was a reason he took so long to get out. Eliot is an eater, he took to nursing like a champ....nursed for 45 minutes about a half hour after he was born. Thank god for that, I was so worried breastfeeding would be a challenge. The only challenge is finding time to do things like write in my blog! This baby eats often!!!

I have to mention that Chris watched the whole thing, coached me through much of it, survived on little to no sleep, hospital food, was our contact to the outside world and our crazy impatient parents, and cut the cord...and he still finds me sexy. I love that man. He's also taken to fatherhood so well. I married the perfect person.

The first few days with Eliot were amazing and challenging. I had a lot of anxiety and was/am still worried that it could turn into post partum depression, but I'm doing really well this week. He's changed so much already, only 12 days later. I knew it would go fast, but I can't even keep up with his daily changes!

Words cannot describe

2010-06-22T06:09:00.001-07:00

Welcome to the world Eliot Michael Barnes.

Born 6/18/10 at 12:13 AM. 9lbs, 5 oz; 21 3/4 inches long.
So in love. More to come.

40 weeks, 3 days. GET. OUT.

2010-06-14T03:20:00.000-07:00

Overdue. What an ugly word to me right now!
This is one of the hardest things I've ever done! Just to wait, to constantly think that maybe these Braxton-Hicks contractions might turn into something, to have people constantly calling and asking if the baby is here yet, to have Chris jump every time I call him to see if he needs me to pick up anything from the store. Sigh. I start every conversation on the phone with people saying "No baby." It's tough.
I have been alternating between complete misery at being pregnant for one more second even, and really trying to enjoy and appreciate this short time baby and I have left together like this. It's hard to enjoy when you're uncomfortable, exhausted, and huge. Not to mention feel like a ticking time bomb. People see me out and ask me when my due date is. I get varied responses when I answer "last friday." One guy told me I should probably just stay home. Obviously I made him nervous. But I do realize that this time is special. The time with the baby is something I'll never get back. He'll never be this close to me again, and it'll never be just the two of us. It's nice in some ways, feeling him move and talking to him. I'm trying to enjoy the Chris and me time too. This is the end of just us. We're going to have a family....in some ways I'm mourning the end of the two of us, but ecstatic to begin our life as 3 (plus two furballs). I feel like we're ready for this, but it's still a huge change.
A friend who also went overdue said it well. It feels like you've done something wrong. Like everyone is waiting for this baby and you haven't had it. It's frustrating because believe me when I say I've tried talking my body into labor! Apparently this is one of those things people have no control over. Go figure.
I'm working 6 hour days this week, and then I'm starting my leave next week whether he decides to show or not. I'm tired, it hurts to sit for 9-10 hours and I need a nap every day, also I'm kind of phasing out of the work we have - doesn't make sense for me to be too plugged in when I'm going to leave for 12 weeks.
Because I want to remember if I'm ever pregnant again (I can't even THINK about being pregnant again right now), I have made progress. 1 cm dialated, 50% effaced, and 0 station. That was on my due date. They will let me go 2 weeks overdue. There will be a baby by the end of this month!
I'm so anxious to meet this little guy! I want to see him, meet him, snuggle him. It's so hard to imagine this person who's just been a series of kicks and punches to me! I'm also strangely not that nervous about labor. I'm sure I'll change my tune but I just want it over with already. I'll take whatever comes. It means I'll have my baby here, I'll get to start getting my body back, start eating what I want again without worrying about it, and enjoy a glass of wine every now and then....or pop a couple ibuprofren when I need to! It can't be long now...nobody is pregnant forever. Right?

38 weeks

2010-05-30T05:03:00.001-07:00

SLACKER!
I cannot believe it's been 4 weeks since I updated this blog. You'd figure there must be good reason, right? Well, not really. Let's see....a short recap:

I finally got over being sick as I had reported from my last post
I installed the car seat in my car
Had said car seat inspected, we had installed it incorrectly. When being embarassed about not being able to install according to directions was told not to worry because "only an engineer could understand these directions." Embarassment worsened. Sigh.
Have become more and more body bound by the day. Can no longer reach feet, twist, get up off the ground unassisted, or roll over in bed without waking up and performing a series of moves which include much loud grunting. According to Chris anyways.
Had my family shower, it was wonderful. Once again marveled at the generosity of people. Still haven't written thank you notes.
Had a surprise work shower. I truly was surprised. Again with the marveling at generosity. Again with the lack of thank you notes.
I am uncomfortable or sore much of the time. Pregnancy has become painful (and awkward). Thankful that my family taught me to laugh at myself from an early age.
Completely finished buying all of our "needs" for baby, and, with my moms (and Target and the Container Store) help, finished organizing the nursery and all those adorable little baby clothes.
Bought and framed pictures for babys room, dining room, and living room.
Gratuitous waddling. Nuff said.
Got sick again this past Thursday. Stayed home from work Thursday and Friday (I'm sure prompting much guessing that baby is here...I wish) and spent my appointment Thursday bawling in my midwifes office. I was So. Tired. And sure that I was going to go into labor sick, which really made me doubt my abilities to try for a natural labor. Unlike the last cold, which lasted 4 weeks, I am feeling much better today. FOUR DAYS LATER! CELEBRATE!

So you see, there has been lots going on, but really, no good excuse to not be posting other than I should be writing thank you notes because I'm sure once the baby comes I won't be wanting to do that at all. I feel very ready to have this baby, and I really hope he's ready soon and I don't end up being overdue. Please come out little peanut - we are all ready to meet you!

34 weeks and I have been sick for what seems like forever

2010-05-02T16:39:00.000-07:00

Siiiiiicccckkkkkk. I've been sick for 3 weeks now. It may be some sort of cold, but most likely it's allergies. You can't really take anything when you're pregnant. I think the nurse recommended tylenol. Just plain tylenol. Awesome. Sleeping with a cold that you can't medicate while you're pregnant is not something I'd recommend to anyone. Especially not for 3 weeks straight. Truthfully, I'm scared to even say this, but I'm feeling a little bit better today. Not great, just better. So I haven't been to yoga in 3 weeks, I haven't really done much of anything physical these last 3 weeks. I missed a La Leche League meeting I wanted to attend because I was sick. They have another one next Monday. I really hope I can make that one! We did attend an infant/child cpr class though. If my baby chokes I can confidently scream for help.
Let's see. I'm very pregnant looking now, but the camera is in the other room and pictures will have to wait. We bought a really cool bicycle poster for the baby's room. We DECIDED on a name. We did! This baby's going to have a name and I like it. Work has been really tough lately. I'm tired again, not feeling well, and kind of looking forward to just being able to focus on baby for a while. Did you know that most babies born between 34-37 weeks have no long term effects from prematurity?! That is awesome to know. I am so thankful to have made it this far.
I think that's it this week. My brain doesn't work so good lately - blame baby.

33 Weeks

2010-04-25T05:01:00.000-07:00

For me, my entire childhood was all about getting to 18 years old, once I got to 18, I focused on turning 21. I remember when I turned 22 I had this small nagging thought of, but why? What's my next milestone? I'm starting to feel a little like I turn 22 every week. Not that I feel I've hit some important milestone and I can just stop now, but that I feel like this is going so fast (but oh so very slow at the same time). I have 47 days until I'm 40 weeks. In under 4 weeks I will be considered full term. I could have a baby next month, 25 days from now. It blows my mind.
Good news at the doctors this week. I don't think I mentioned it on here but I was measuring about 4 weeks ahead at my last appointment. This, understandably, scared me as my family has a solid history of big babies. Of enormously noggined, big headed, 9-plus pound little bundles of joy. Turns out I (he?) had a growth spurt and I'm now only measuring 1 week ahead, which is totally within normal ranges. Did you hear that? That was me sighing with relief. I know this doesn't mean he isn't going to be a big baby, but I have a little more hope that I will have a little boy safely in the 8 pound range. My disclaimer of healthy is first, no matter what he weighs, should be assumed with everything I say!
My dreams are getting weirder. Last night, while sleeping, I had a meeting with an entire team of doctors to discuss my upcoming delivery. The main doc (who wasn't my real life doctor) assured me I would have time to go to the bathroom before the actual delivery. Well then, glad we got that cleared up. I was very confused and anxious during the meeting because they kept using all these acronyms I didn't understand and there was no opportunity to ask them what they meant. After our meeting we all toasted to my babies health. Them with wine, me with my glass of water. See how responsible I am? Even in my dreams. Mama loves you little man.
I had a dream about seeing my babies face. This was the first time I'd seen it in my dreams. He had the body of a baby, but the face of a 40 year old male with nerdy glasses. I kept telling myself he would grow into it. It was more than a little creepy.
Here I am, reminding myself that next week I will be 34 weeks and that time will keep going. I've got to start mentally preparing myself for each week!

32 weeks

2010-04-18T05:19:00.000-07:00

Wow, really. 8 weeks left...It seems like I was only just 8 weeks pregnant. The last two weeks have been crazy! My little man has been moving a ton and getting the hiccups at least twice a day. Usually at night. Do you know how hard it is to sleep with hiccups in your belly? It's taken some getting used to.
I know I promised you special 29 week pictures - well there they are on the sidebar slideshow! A friend of mine who runs her own photography business did them and she is a miracle worker. I absolutely love them and didn't know I could look like that. This is her blog: http://blog.photojessic.com/. I am amazed at her ability, and I cannot decide for the life of me which of these photos to frame!!! They are all so good!
Otherwise I keep getting bigger, and he keeps getting bigger, and all is right with the world.
I came down with either a head cold or allergies last Monday. It's been...awful. There's not much I can take and I'm feeling pretty miserable. It's definitely preparing me for waking up every two hours with a baby - I'm up every 1-3 hours to blow my nose and clear my lungs. There has been much tea-partying in our house. Tea is the best I can come up with right now to make me feel better.
But! I had my first baby shower!!! It was AMAZING. I seriously have the best mom and sister in the world. Really. They put on an amazing party, planned everything, put everything together, made games, and then cleaned up everything afterwards because I was exhausted by the party. Who knew? My friends are also awesome. They are some of the most generous people ever, and I cannot believe how much more ready I am for this baby to come. Seriously. I have 1 more shower and I'm really not sure I need anything else. Other than a sense that I will be able to keep a miniature human alive. Do they sell that at Target? Truly though, it was a great time. We do have to find space for all this stuff - our house is shrinking by the minute.
Four of my friends brought their little boys, all under the age of 1, and I hope that one day he'll be hanging out with all these guys. It was great to have them at the party, and the moms there are all such inspirations too. It's so cool that I have so many experienced moms to rely on. Hopefully they don't mind late night phone calls! The worst part of the shower? I have completely lost my voice. I am actually reduced to talking in a whisper. It sucks (for me I guess. Maybe Chris is enjoying this?). I haven't tried to speak yet this morning, but it doesn't feel any better yet. I hope I feel better soon, being pregnant is enough of an illness without all this!

Little boy, you are coming into a world of love for you. Your family, your friends (!!! Isn't he lucky, he's got friends already!!!), and your parents. We can't wait to meet you and show you all we know in this crazy world! And as my dad would say, that shouldn't take very long. Ha!

75%

2010-04-04T06:08:00.000-07:00

Seriously, these pictures are backwards. Blogger hates me. This is 28 weeks. But check out the new hair! I LOVE it. Once again I have rocked the dogs world by standing on his bed. 27 weeks here...pretty sure we missed 26, and my week 29 pictures will be super special. Just wait!! In my defense, I had just woken up here. Maybe it's good these pictures are backwards so you could appreciate the haircut.
Baby's room! With carpet, paint, and the dresser/changing table. We are in love with his furniture. Seriously the best furniture in the house.

Here's his crib. See what I mean about the furniture? Gorgeous.

Chris and I have done a little decorating. I giggled so hard while we were doing this. It's kind of his changing table mobile. These monkeys are magnetic, so we hung a "trapeeze" bar from the ceiling. This may be my favorite thing in the room so far.

This! This is our imported poster. In Italy we went and saw the Ducati Museum, where we learned about the Cucciolo bike (cucciolo means puppy in Italian). I fell head over heels in love with the bike, and I just realized I should have put some pictures up here of the bike too. Well, it's on my facebook. It is red and it is awesome.

We've got these great built-ins on either side of the doorway in his room. I found this bear at a cute little shop in Uptown and had to have it. It also induced a fit of giggles in me. Can you see his little snaggletooth?

The family room/workout room. Finished! I love this new setup, very functional!

Other direction. Love it! This carpet is really great.

It has been an early spring this year. The leaves are starting to bud, we've seen 80 degrees already (seriously, weird), and it didn't snow once in March. The snowiest month of the year and we didn't see a flake. I feel like the rest of this winter more than made up for it. I'm fine with it. Unfortunately Chris has developed late in life allergies. He's not feeling real well right now. I am really hoping it's allergies because I haven't been sick once this pregnancy (well, other than the whole pregnancy makes me sick thing) and I plan to keep it that way.

This baby has been a-moving and a-gyrating and a-gallavanting all over the place lately! It's so fun, when I poke him, he pokes back now. Chris laid an arm across me the other day and he definitely hit back. He's very protective of his space.

The third trimester has all sorts of new problems for me. I'm much more body-bound. Uncomfortable, awkward. I don't fit in spaces I used to fit through fine. My appetite switches from monsterly ravenous, to birdlike and I'm barely able to eat anything. Sometimes I feel morning sick again. Walks have shortened themselves to about 4 blocks, not because I'm out of breath, but because I can't be that far from a bathroom. I pee all the time. I love feeling my baby though. It makes me happy to know that he's doing well in there. Questions from strangers have switched from "How are you feeling?" to "Are you ready?" No, not ready. I'll be ready when he's ready. I can see an end to this now though. Brings alternate feelings of elation and fear. I'm nervous to meet my little man, I really hope he likes us.

We ordered a jogging stroller! I am so excited. I can't wait to test this baby out. I took my bike out around the block yesterday, just to try it out. I earned a "Be careful" from Chris. Around the block people. I know, he's concerned about more than just me, but it gets frustrating...the limits on me.

I mentioned to Chris yesterday that we only have 10 weeks left while we were taking a walk. He just replied "hmmm...10 weeks, wow." We get back, and he's down in the babies room putting up closet doors and mounting the babycam. Cracked me up, he totally nests every time I mention how much time I have left. I love that man.

And that's all for now folks. Happy Easter and I'm out to enjoy the weather.

The good stuff

2010-03-16T08:24:00.000-07:00

So my itchy feet...are just that. Itchy feet. Celebrate!! I also got news that my request to go part time at work has been accepted. Yesterday was a good day.

So I got a prenatal massage this weekend. It was awesome. They have a special pillow so you can lay on your stomach…and it’s been MONTHS since I’ve laid on my stomach. Felt great. But the little guy was going absolutely nuts the whole time, and he’d been really crazy the night before, woke me up 2 times he was flipping around so much, I started rubbing my stomach to try and calm him down. The masseuse said she was watching my belly move when they had me on my back. I couldn’t figure out what was going on that he had become so crazy, then my mom brought up food, and we had Indian food for probably only the second time this pregnancy the night before. I’m not sure if he loved it or hated it, but I definitely know how to get him going now! I’ve heard that babies will gravitate towards the foods you eat. I'm trying to be pretty varied in my diet...maybe more Indian food is in order.

We also started decorating the nursery! It looks awesome and needs pictures to do it justice. Not quite done, but almost.

Sunday Chris painted the living room. It's the only room in the house that we haven't painted yet. It was supposed to be a gray/brown, and has come out rather gray/blue/purple. It's a gorgeous color, but not exactly right for our pictures...we may have some retooling to do. I love gray - and I'm so happy to finally have a gray room. I hope to put up a couple newborn pics of the babe in there. I'm sure they will go with anything.

Control

2010-03-13T05:02:00.000-08:00

I have never handled lack of control well. I am a fairly classic first born overacheiver type. Well, if I don't/can't overacheive, I become the best underacheiver! Just ask me about high school...but that's another story. Part of my personality is that I like to have control over things. I like to feel that I make a difference in the outcome of my life. Those existential questions about predestination? I am a huge believer that we are all in control of our own destinies, and dammit, I will take control over every last little annoying part. It can be exhausting.
My feet started itching, only at night, a little over a week ago. I thought it was dry skin....put some lotion on. But that itching didn't change in the slightest. Itching bad enough that you could sit there and draw blood just to make the itching stop. So, I called the Dr. because I wasn't sure what I could put on it. Their answer? You'd better come in. I figured this was for some sort of prescription cream or something, but they told me about a condition called ICP, no, not the band, there are no clowns..but it has to do with my liver. Apparently one of the bigger symptoms of this condition is itchy hands and feet that are worse at night. ICP is pregnancy related and fairly harmless to me. To the baby? It could result in premature labor and stillbirth. They did a blood test, they have to send it to Utah and I may not be able to find out until Wednesday if I have this. It's rare, it's possible that swelling is causing this itching. I hope so. But right now? While people tell me to calm down and focus on the fact that it's probably nothing? I want to scream. This is my baby, my body that could be harming my baby. How can I calm down when my body could be hurting my baby? Pregnancy has taught me that my body is definitely in control of more things than my mind is aware of. The first trimester worries of will this baby make it pounded that lesson in. You have no control, zero. So I sit here and wait, pretending it's nothing, waiting for a phone call that will end this endless questioning in my mind.
I love you kid.

26 Weeks

2010-03-07T07:10:00.000-08:00

PICTURES! PICTURES! PICTURES!!! I know you know better than to expect order and sense out of me, so I will explain.

Here is where Chris proves he loves me on Valentines Day by grilling outside. Can you see his breath? This is good stuff.

Look at all the cute little clothes hanging up in there!!! Get out here baby so I can nibble on your knees! This is the nursery, with the old carpet ripped out. I hope you weren't expecting finished nursery pictures. They're not on the camera and this 1200 square foot house is just way to big for me to go down and take some now.

I wish that I could have experienced the joy that was this room before we painted the wood paneling. All it needs is a disco ball...look at all that powder on the floor? It's like we're halfway there already. Thank god for new carpet.

Oh! It gets better...and can you see around the stairs? Yes, they had the walls painted bright yellow at one time. And yes, that is a SHINY green paint on those stairs. There was an interior decorator living here for SHUR!

Yup, me. I'm beginning to hate these pictures. 17 weeks here.

18 weeks with a puppy foot warmer. We take the pictures on top of his bed. I guess he didn't feel like moving this time.

Now, here is 19 weeks. I would like to explain that sometimes, during pregnancy, it's been said that some women deal with things like constipation. So yes, this is a food baby. See week 20 for proof.

Where'd it go? Week 20.

Week 21...working our way back out.

22....yea. Looking a bit like a grey blob here. Big motivation to never wear this outfit again.

Hello week 23! I think I've officially popped.

Yup, no food baby. Week 24

Week 25. See how happy I am?

Wait until you see my new week 26 haircut! Hell, I'll probably have pictures of the baby up here before you see week 26 knowing me! You'll just have to die from suspense.

Saying that I only have 14 weeks left sounds incredibly short. I want to be sure we're ready for the little man once he arrives! Nothing incredibly exciting or new happened this week baby-wise. He's still active as ever and he's still growing...I can tell because I'm still growing. Girl scout cookies may have fueled both of our growths a bit in the last 2 weeks. I've become more awkward and it's getting hard to bend over, or reach my feet, or walk too far. I tend to get really sore about 2 miles into a walk, which sucks because all the lakes are about 3 miles around. I've missed yoga the last two weeks in a row because I keep sleeping through it...I hate the thought of setting my alarm on a Sunday. So...no yoga lately. I'll go back though. Yesterday, we went for a 3 mile walk, then went to Ikea, Home Depot and Target. I was dying after Ikea...hell, I was dying after the walk. It sucks that I feel so sore so soon, and I'm not used to not being able to do what I want. I remember mornings where I would run 10 miles, take the dog for a walk, and go to all those stores and still have energy to go out that night. Yesterday? I was almost asleep at 5 pm my body was so tired. So yea, I'm still learning to work within my limits. It's not easy when they're constantly changing.

25 weeks

2010-03-01T17:50:00.000-08:00

I pee. A lot. But thankfully it is not related to gestational diabetes! I passed with flying colors. They also tested my iron levels, and they are awesome. This may have something to do with the fact that chicken is on my don't want to eat list, so we eat a lot of red meat. Let's hope they don't want to check my cholesterol levels. I am very impressed with how healthy I've been this pregnancy. My blood pressure is better than its ever been every time I go in for an appointment. I haven't had a cold all year, or the flu. Knock on wood but other than being awkward and slightly uncomfortable, this is probably the best I've felt during a winter for a few years. I hate to even write that...it could all turn around tomorrow.
The nursery is coming together. We bought a poster from England for the room (we're importing things for this kid, he's spoiled already). And I've got ideas for the rest of the decorations. It's going to be kind of random, but definitely cute. Kind of like the rest of my life.
It's warming up outside! I always try not to get my hopes up this time of year, because it fools you with a couple of 40 degree days, and then it either drops back to negative digits or snows 2 feet. But we're closer to warm weather...I'm so ready to open the windows! That is the worst part of winter to me...no fresh air in the house. I love to have all the windows thrown open. Hopefully once the baby gets here the weather will be nice enough for open windows every day.
Yup, I am still too lazy to get off the couch and download the pictures. I'm so tired lately again. Maybe Chris will help me one day...

23-24 and I owe this blog pictures of everything.

2010-02-18T13:29:00.000-08:00

I obviously can't get my act together. Once a week and I can't do it...down to twice a week. I guess I'm lazy?

Do you know what I love? Having this guy with me all the time. I think I will miss his little kicks and punches most afterwards. It's really great to be in a meeting and having this little guy kicking me the whole time. I agree with you kid, BORING! If nothing else, it's quite the distraction. I'm sure this is GREAT for my productivity at work. I was telling Chris how I was watching my belly move during a meeting the other day, and he was like, "You sat and watched your belly during a meeting?" Yea, I'm sure I looked realy interested in what was going on....this baby is taking all of my attention!

Another great thing about pregnancy? My skin...well, mostly anyways. The skin on my face is so soft, like awesomely soft, and I barely have any breakouts. It just looks...good and I'm not even doing anything different! Every once in a while I'm getting a breakout, but this is the best it's ever been. Can I keep it? Please?

And guess what tomorrow is?! V-day! In plain speak, viability day. That means if the kid decided to make his appearance early, the doctors would do everything in their power to try and save him. This baby still has a long time to cook, and we plan to keep him that way until at least 38 weeks, but it's nice to know that every week, his chances are that much better.

Oh! OH! What didn't happen last week though! We got our carpet installed (AMAZING!), set up the crib and changing table, reorganized the furniture downstairs, and set up the glider (OH SO COMFY!). I think Chris had a bit of a moment seeing the crib all set up. After he kept commenting on how weird it was to see a crib, he admitted he never imagined a crib in our house. And he's right, it is weird. I think it made it more real to have an actual space carved out for him.

Then, on the other V-day, I made it to yoga after 4 weeks of missing class. I went to a new studio that has tons more prenatal classes, so if I miss one, there's another one the next day I can make it to. I have to tell you, it felt so freaking good to go. LOVE! There were a few interesting parts though. The teacher introduced the class by saying that she was going to teach us the things that helped her when she was crawling around on all fours and begging for someone to make it stop. Awesome. So yea. Then there's this part where you stand in this position called "goddess," which I guess is supposed to be empowering or something, but really it's just this half squat thing they make you do for like 5 minutes and causes your thighs to burn like fire. Usually I end that pose feeling like a failure because it's supposed to ready you for labor, but I always have to come up out of it. But I do love my yoga classes, and it felt so good to sweat and stretch. The baby liked it too - he was kicking away all during svasana, he reacts when I sit still for too long. I think I've got an active little guy on my hands.

Oh OH! And then for dinner Chris and I made ourselves dinner. Chris made steaks, I made fettucine alfredo with vegetables and garlic bread. Dessert was carrot cupcakes. I'm hungry for it again already. Much better than last year's V-day dinner with overly pretentious, dessert-forgetting waiters. We rule.

Hopefully I can get my posts back on track next week!

21 & 22!

2010-02-04T09:47:00.000-08:00

It's been a busy couple of weeks in making a baby land! Chris has been working hard at getting the downstairs ready and I have been working hard at creating life. It doesn't get much busier than that. It's been a good couple of weeks - the baby has a fairly set kicking schedule. I've been told that this will probably be his schedule once he arrives. I think this is ok at night because he's active around 9/9:30, then not again until 3, but then again at 5:30. So hopefully I'm not sleeping through one at like midnight or something. Ready or not, we will soon find out. We've pretty much decided on a name, but we aren't telling people. We started telling people names we were tossing around and just got too many comments about them. Now it'll just be his name and that's that.
Let's see - last week I saw my belly move when he kicked and my mom got to feel him kick. I've really "popped" these last couple weeks. I know I need to put up more pictures. I'm a little afraid that I have 18 more weeks to get that much huger...ohboy. It's all in the name of a healthy baby though!
Chris has been incredibly good to me, he ran out and got me chocolate cake when I wanted it. I could marry cake right now. But Chris brings me cake so that's almost as good! Mmmmmm...cake.... Speaking of cake, that could be why I'm gaining so much damned weight. My body's all worried I'm going to starve at some point and have to feed a baby and myself - right, like that would happen. I would probably be the last person to starve. You don't want to see me hungry.
Sleeping sucks. My hips feel like they're being ripped off or something, which may be partially true. It's not comfortable at all. I have missed yoga the last 3 weeks and I'm sure that has something to do with it. MUST GO BACK TO YOGA.

Halfway Home

2010-01-23T04:35:00.000-08:00

20 weeks...writing that fills me with alternate feelings of joy and anxiety. Joy at the thought that our little guy is getting bigger and stronger and closer to coming home each day.
Now the anxiety...I'm sure all new parents must feel this, but maybe being a first time parent it hits you harder. It's definitely a walk into the unknown, even if I have glimpses of it when I visit friends or when I babysat. I sometimes feel that since I struggled to get here, I shouldn't complain. That I should always be overjoyed to be pregnant, take all the bad with the good. Okay, so looking back at my previous posts, I obviously didn't have too much trouble complaining, but now I'm having other feelings. Feelings like oh my god what have we done. Please don't judge me, it was really hard to write that, but sometimes the unknown is scary and I'm at least not afraid to talk about my fear. That doesn't mean that I'm not also excited and already completely in love with this little guy. I wait for his kicks now, he even has a schedule. I love feeling him move, I love that it's his and mine to share. What I think I mean is that this fear is more of a feeling that things are going to change and since everything is going so well now, change is scary. Even positive change. I can't even describe how elated I am to be at 20 weeks, things are a lot more real now.
Chris has been working hard on the downstairs rooms. So far we have a fully painted nursery, primed wood paneling in the family room, and stuff everywhere! I've already started getting hand-me-downs from friends, and my mom bought us our first package of diapers. We purchased our rocker/glider last weekend too. I am SO EXCITED for it, it's gorgeous and just about the most comfortable thing ever. Our carpet is waiting at the carpet shop, once Chris is done painting we'll have that installed. This weekend we're going to buy our crib and dresser. After that we get to register! Bring on the scan gun!

Weeks 18 & 19

2010-01-15T12:56:00.000-08:00

I blame work. I was unable to post last week because I was working. I'm a little tired with the whole working, home stuff, and CREATING LIFE ya know. Sheesh.

Last week though! Not much happened but Chris painted the entire nursery!! YAY NESTING! So we have a new light, the nursery is painted, and another carpet guy is coming tomorrow for an estimate. We'll see how that goes. We're supposed to go buy either our crib, dresser, or rocker this weekend too. Things are falling into place!

We also had our big ultrasound this week - it's definitely a boy! The ultrasound went well...they did find something on his heart that can be a soft marker for downs syndrome, but the dr explained that since I had the NT scan and my risk came back 1/10,000, he thinks it's nothing. THANK GOD I HAD THAT SCAN. Or really, I'd be a mess. I'm still kind of a mess from it, but not as bad as it could be. But the baby looks great! He's moving all the time - speaking of which, the same night we had our ultrasound, Chris felt the baby kick! TWICE! It was one of the coolest moments of my life...Chris seemed impressed but not like I expected. Most guys do to me though. The rest of the week was pretty uneventful, I've been researching decorations and baby stuff and working on not freaking out about daycare. Sometimes I sing to the baby, or talk to him...I hope he likes that. Poor thing is captive.

I still look just....kind of pregnant. Like people look at my belly (I see them) but it's still not obvious to say anything. It's funny to watch...there's a skit about not asking a women if she's pregnant unless you can see the baby coming out of her...it's probably smart.

Holy crap wow.

2010-01-02T05:40:00.000-08:00

I felt the baby. IT'S ALIVE! Oh my god, I can't believe it. This is the coolest thing ever. I'm not feeling it super often, but if I'm still I can feel it. Hello baby! I also swear to god it kicked me when I took off my bella band yesterday. Kind of like, get me some room in here women and stop caring about your pants falling off. Sorry kid, pants win. I'm loving this.

17 weeks. It's 2010. Wow, my kid will never remember the 90's or the 00's, and they will sound as distant to him as the 60's and 70's sound to me. New year's was awesome, we went and hung out with my brother and his girlfriend, they are the awesome. We had a really great time and Chris was able to take advantage of having a sober cab, albeit a very tired sober cab. Creating life is exhausting people!

So the baby is doing well, I'm feeling pretty darn great. I've outgrown all but 2 pairs of my regular pants though, and some shirts have stopped fitting. I have not stepped on a scale in a month though. I'm scared. Sleep is weird, but it usually is for me. I have been trying to lay on my side, but sometimes wake up on my back. I got a pillow to help with it, and I have been sleeping on my side more consistently. I feel so guilty when I wake up on my back!

I'm really looking forward to our big u/s on the 12th. I can't wait to see the baby again, and find out 100% what we're having. EEEKKK!!

Today we're having a carpet guy come over for an estimate, going shopping for a crib, and going out to dinner with my family for my brother's birthday. It's going to be busy - which is ok, because yesterday even though we had the best of intentions, Chris and I literally never left the couch. It was also the awesome. I slept until 11:30 and still went to bed at 10 last night.

So things have been good, I can't believe I'm at 17 weeks already. 3 more weeks to half way!

Nothing better to do

2009-12-27T17:23:00.001-08:00

Look! What's this? No way!!! A picture from Italy? I finally chose one from the 1500+ pictures we took. This is Venice...we had a nice irish couple take our picture for us....it is actually one of the fakest looking backdrops...which is the amazing thing about Venice, it's what the backdrops are trying to be. It is what all the faux finishing yearns to accomplish. Right after this picture, we were splashed by a wave. We were snowed in this weekend. We don't have a fireplace....it's the only option we had.

Check it out. There's a real baby in there that must really be growing. That or I had too many christmas cookies. I know my vote. This is weeks 8-16. It's interesting to me that some of them look bigger the week before than the week after.

One thing I forgot to mention in my weekly update....the anger. I was so angry last week and I couldn't figure out why. I wanted to chop someones head off and Chris sure did try to keep getting in the way of my axe. So what did I do? I went to dr google. I googled "pregnancy and anger". Pretty funny, right? So I was reading, having mood swings is normal, no matter what they are, but there was a particular website that really hit home. I don't know many women who like gaining weight, and it's been coming on fast for me and it's not something I'm used to. This website said that many women may get frustrated at all the things they can't do anymore, that their bodies have been somewhat hijacked. I am definitely feeling that, working out is so different than it was before I got pregnant. I huff and puff, my hips hurt, my ligaments hurt, and I am just supposed to go easy. I haven't been able to run for a couple of weeks, I've done a lot more walking and just more basic activity and I'm used to SWEATING. I love to work out hard, it really helps me mentally and helps regulate my moods, which is something I need help with. I miss it, and it's something I can't wait to get back. So this website said to remember:

You are your baby's shelter, his home, and his life. Be proud of what you're accomplishing. It is amazing.

The anger disappeared, I have goosebumps just thinking about that past sentence. I am humbled, amazed, and overwhelmed that this little life is growing inside me. That I can house something so precious and give it life. It's beyond my comprehension. My body is working hard in a new way...I'll sacrifice what I need to for now.

Sweet 16!

2009-12-26T05:37:00.000-08:00

So they say there's this thing called pregnancy brain. It makes you do stupid things and forget normal things. I'm sure I have it...after forgetting to update this thing last week, microwaving nothing in the microwave, and turning on the dishwasher right before I needed to take a shower, I now know that this baby is part zombie and is eating my brainz.

So this is a two week update! Lucky you! I at least have some pictures this time though. So, the week before last, that would be week 15...not much happened actually! At least I didn't sit here and blather on about nothing. Like now. The biggest thing that did happen is that my brothers girlfriend left for Iowa to take 2 years of nursing school. This girl is awesome and also a saint. Look at that, she can put up with my entire family and still smile. I think she's a keeper (HINT HINT BRIAN).

Yes, my dog is part of our family.

This last week? Pretty good. I have had these slight morning and evening bouts of nausea, but nothing that I can't handle...not something I wanted to be a pro at, but look at me! I can handle constant nausea and still smile too! This week was a bit more eventful. My friend Kathryn had her baby, Wyatt. One of the cutest newborns I've ever seen. It was also Christmas! We are so very lucky to have the family we do. Not only are they helping us out immensely with all the stuff we have to buy for the baby, but they are going to help us with childcare and are just a great general sounding board. We are so blessed, and this kid is going to have a great support system. I got a whole bunch of dr seuss books for the speck - I've been reading to him all ready. Don't you love dr seuss? Chris and I have begun speaking in rhyme. I'm sure this only gets worse. We got some baby clothes for Christmas and both Chris and I talked later and both had the thought that holy crap people, aren't you a little early with all this baby stuff? But no...I am now down to 5 months left. 5 months!!! So I am now very concerned about getting the nursery done, which I have very little to do with considering my abilities (Oh, the things you can't do when you're pregnant...innumerable).

It snowed like crazy here this week. 15 inches or so in 3 days. I heard snowpocalypse, snowmaggedon, the great white death. Really, they talk it up like we've never seen snow before. It was kind of crappy driving, but it was a very white Christmas.

Merry Christmas everyone!

Five and Dime

2009-12-13T06:58:00.000-08:00

December 11th, 2009 - five years married, 10 years with Chris and 14 weeks pregnant with the speck. There's something special about the number five, five fingers on each hand or foot, 10 fingers and toes total. We'll be counting someone's fingers and toes soon. We celebrated with a trip to Italy (which I still mean to write an update about) in October. I can't believe I've been married as long as we dated...time has begun accelerating at an amazing pace. I never imagined I'd be here when I started dating Chris...not that I thought it wouldn't last, but I just didn't think this far ahead. I love Chris more every year and have never been so comfortable with anyone. I'm so glad I found you and I'm so glad we made it here.
For our actual anniversary we went to a place called Ngon Vietnamese Bistro (and no, I don't know how to pronounce that). It's an organic vietnamese bistro and it was REALLY GOOD. I had steak and potatoes (yea, at a vietnamese restaurant, but whatever, they offered it) and Chris had the duck. For dessert? Ginger creme brulee. Yum. It was a nice low-key evening.
We have almost completely finished our xmas shopping and I am so excited about some of the gifts we've gotten people!! I love xmas, and I love getting people gifts they enjoy. It's one of the best feelings!
So this week? It's been good. I'm feeling so much better and have had quite a bit more energy. I still have moments, especially if I don't eat, but it's overall much better. Nothing too exciting to report this past week, I'm looking forward to feeling the baby move and we've been trying to plan what we need to do with the nursery, the basement, and what we're going to need for the speck. There's a lot of research to do, but Chris seems to think we'll get there.

Foot in Mouth

2009-12-07T14:00:00.000-08:00

Remember how I said how much better I was feeling? Stupid Stupid Stupid. I have made the pregnancy gods angry.

10 minutes dry-heaving in the bathroom this morning. Thank you very much second trimester.

On Hoarding

2009-12-06T05:58:00.000-08:00

Chris and I cleaned out the soon to be nursery a couple of weeks ago. There was quite a bit of weird stuff in the closet saved from previous apartments or wherever that we finally just decided to get rid of. Everyone has spots like these, full of stuff you're not using but is too "precious" to throw away.
We are fairly neat people. We barely ever have clutter, and when we do it drives one of us nuts and we'll put it away.
So. Have you seen the show Hoarders? It's on A&E (I think) and I love it. Well, more specifically I love to watch Chris watch it. The premise of the show is that there are these people who basically have this last chance to unclutter their house. And these are not just normal messy houses, they are not even 3 college boys sharing a house bad. These are serious mental problems hoarders. They do NOT want to get rid of the stuff. We watched one where the guy could only use 1 room and a path in his house, and they tried to get him to throw away some magazines sitting on the stairs. He insisted he had to go through every one first to make sure there wasn't anything important in there he wanted to keep. Seriously. Talk about can't see the forest for the trees. Chris watching this show is the best entertainment ever. He starts to itch, says he has to leave, comes back to watch more of the show, throws curses at the people, identifies things he needs to throw away, and then finally takes a shower...to cleanse himself. It's like the 7 stages of grief or something. Only there's 6.
So yes, 13 weeks this week! I'm feeling a ton better, although not perfect, but it's definitely something to celebrate. We had our early u/s scan and it went really well. We got to see the baby flipping and moving and generally acting like a little acrobat. It was the most amazing thing we've ever seen. I can't believe I can't feel all that movement in there, and I can't wait until I can. They said they're 90% sure it's a boy, and we are so excited. A son. Wow. It made it just that much more real to me to give the baby a gender...of course we're waiting until the January 12th to find out for sure if it is a boy, but I think we're going to have a little boy. 2010...if everything goes right, the year of my sons birth. It's gonna be great.
Oh baby, whatever you are, I love you so much. You are so very wanted and I hope that your dad and I can raise you right and instill in you all the values that are important to us. I can't wait to meet you and show you the world. You're going to love it kid!
I've moved on to more maternity pants now. They're nice, but still a little big on me. My belly is noticeable only if you knew me from before. To most people I just look like I have a bit of a belly. My cravings have subsided quite a bit. I still love milk and ice cream, but I don't NEED it like I did before. My energy is soaring. I went running the other day almost all the way around the lake and I've been staying up past 9. It feels great. We're doing great.

You know the drill...

2009-11-28T05:16:00.000-08:00

Yup! 12 weeks! That's 3 months, one more week and 2 days until I'm in my second trimester. Bring it on amazing energy levels and lack of nausea! I'm ready for you!!!

Want to see something weird? Every time I eat toast for breakfast I have to eat it like a mirror. It's very strange, I do this until I finish it.

Talk about a balanced breakfast.

So this week was Thanksgiving! I am thankful that I have made it to twelve weeks, for the amazing reactions of my family when we told them the news, that Chris had an interview last week and may have the job he's been looking for for over a year, and for the health of everyone I know. I ate too much, as always, and we were able to visit with both of our families and announce our good news. I'm announcing to the world at large later this week after our next u/s. I'm strangely nervous about it.

I've been feeling slightly better otherwise, less nausea, a little more energy and less naps. I have had more back pain, and I bought a bunch of maternity pants. I don't know why everyone doesn't wear maternity pants, they are pretty comfortable. Elastic waistbands people! What more do you need? I'm gaining weight faster than I'd like to, but what do you do. If you can't gain weight now, when can you?? I have been able to poop more regularly and work out a bit more (YAY!!!).

My biggest cravings have been real hot chocolate (with steamed milk and chocolate syrup) and bean burritos. I LOVE bean burritos.

Because you haven't heard about them in a while, Traxx and Daly are doing very well. They are happy we are home for the long weekend, Traxx is sitting on my lap as I type. It's great to have them around and I'm so glad that they've been so healthy lately too.

Until next week!

11 weeks

2009-11-21T15:33:00.000-08:00

I'm pretty self-concious sometimes. I kept thinking "what if someone stops by, reads this blog, and all they see is a bunch of week by week pregnancy updates?" So I was worried that maybe I should stop, that maybe I shouldn't be a crazy week-by-week mommyblogger. But who cares, right?! These are my memories and my weeks. If I don't write them down I'll never remember them.

Anyways.

I've made it to 11 weeks. I think my risk of m/c is extremely low (knock on wood here) now. We're telling the family on Thanksgiving and making it public the week after that. I have an NT scan to see if the baby is showing any signs of downs or Trisomy 13/18 on the 2nd. I'm nervous about the scan but excited to see the baby again. I want the scan mostly for the ultrasound, but I am totally a planner too. I do want to know if there's something I should be preparing for. We'll just hope for the best though.

I cannot wait to be out of this first trimester. I just can't completely shake the nausea - and it's all day....morning sickness my ass. The fatigue has gotten quite a bit better but still isn't gone. Work has been tough, I'm supposed to be working a ton but am only getting in about 45 hours a week. Only, I know, but really the guilt of not working more is huge. Blech. I spend a lot of time now searching etsy for nursery ideas. I kind of like fox themes, owl themes, and I saw a little red riding hood picture that I would love to base a room on. I suck at decorating though - so we'll see how the baby's room turns out!

My birthday was awesome. Totally relaxing, full of family and food. Just what a girl wants on her 30th birthday. My mom made me an amazing brunch, which involved breakfast pizza, baked french toast, and apple cider. Oh, and cake of course!

10 weeks - keeping up!

2009-11-16T09:18:00.000-08:00

So so exciting. Heard the heartbeat on a doppler at last Fridays appointment. My midwife had some kleenex out to wipe off my stomach afterwards and had to hand me some to use for my eyes. It was amazing. Still up and down sickness and tiredness wise, but a little more up than down over the last week, so hopefully I'm feeling better! I bought a bella band this week - which is basically a giant tube top that holds up your pants...so you can secretly unbutton them and not have to buy new pants. You gotta spend money to save money.

Not much else new to report. My 30th birthday is coming up on Wednesday - WEDNESDAY! As Chris says, you're gonna be old. I thought this birthday would really bother me, and it is going to be really weird to say "I'm 30", but I'm ok with it. These are going to be exciting years, and I always think you need to enjoy where you are, and not worry about trying to be younger. So Happy Birthday to me! I can't wait for cake.

9 weeks - Shiny! New! Improved! Yet, Old! and the Same!

2009-11-10T09:20:00.000-08:00

So despite the fact that I haven't even posted any of these yet, so nobody out there could be bored, I am totally bored with that list of questions! Seriously, the repetitiveness and the questions that I won't be able to answer for another 6 months? I can't even come up with snarky replies to them.

I'm late this week - 4 days late posting. I've been exhausted, run down, fatigued, running on zero. I have been lower than I ever thought my body could go. And yet? What a week! We had an ultrasound last Monday. And check out this picture of a picture of a fuzzy somewhat gummy-bear baby! Complete with a heartbeat!!! A heartbeat you guys!!! I'm tearing up right now just thinking about it. Hi Baby!!!

Lots of ups and downs otherwise, I had a couple of days I felt great, and then many that were not so great. My favorite food is still a Jimmy Johns #13, no mayo, no avocado, with sauce and extra tomatos on wheat. Oh yum. And I love milk.

Unfortunately I have barely been able to work out. Walks and yoga have been all that I can handle, and even those are too much sometimes. I'm out of breath quickly, I start to feel sick and lightheaded if my heart rate gets too high, and it just doesn't work. That is one of the most frustrating parts, and considering all the food I've eaten, my pants have already gotten tighter, and a couple pairs have been thrown into the cannot wear pile....my poor, poor pants!

We told Chris' mom this week. It was awesome. She cried, then Chris, Joe, and I started crying, and my nephew was wondering what the heck was going on. After being clued in he promptly stated that he would prefer a boy to play with. I reminded him that if it was a girl, it would be my daughter, and therefore the coolest girl in the world.

Whatever you are kid, you will be loved. I can't wait to meet you.

8 Weeks

2009-10-30T10:27:00.000-07:00

I am horrified by the smell of the Halloween potluck down the hall from my office. I will puke on you party-goers. Beware. And stop bothering me about coming down, I really can't get any closer without a gas mask. Damn me for not thinking about that for my costume before!!!

So yes, more first trimester misery. Tired, sick, anxious, moody (Hi Chris! How's that going for ya?!), pudgy, and yet nobody knows. I had my first doctor visit this month, and have my second ultrasound scheduled for next Monday. I cannot wait. I have had multiple breakdowns this week of the pre-parenting FAIL variety, and have cried to Live's "Lightning Flashes" on the way to work. Yes, it is that bad. On Thursday I forgot to ask if the useless seasonal flu shot contained thimersol before they stuck it in my arm and into my baby's blood supply - so I called Chris sobbing about 3 hours after the doctor appointment - and he so rationally suggested I call the doctor and find out if it was in there. After explaining to the receptionist what thimersol was, she was able to find out that no, they don't even carry the shots with thimersol in them. Safe, but I obviously have not gotten this whole question thing down yet. They had the H1N1 shot, but are only giving it to pregnant women over 32 weeks, so hopefully my fellow coworkers use their time off and don't come into work sick. Chris has been a trooper, we are only 8 weeks in and I have put him through a lot, and he is taking everything I dish out with a "thank you, can I have another." I know I will feel better as long as this ultrasound shows a normal heartbeat.

On to our weekly update!

How far along: 8 weeks

Total weight gain/loss: Wow, I didn't realize this, but I gained about 5 pounds. Although sometimes scales are off by that much. Right? Reassurance here!
Maternity clothes: Some of my clothes are tighter, I'm not rushing out to the stores yet.
Stretch Marks: Not looking forward to this.
Sleep: Yup, still tired. But now I have started waking up for about 2-3 hours every night and I'm unable to get back to sleep. FUN!
Best moment last week: Holding Erin and Josh's 1 week old baby. I cannot believe that I will create something that helpless and that precious! I am scared to bring a baby that small home!
Movement: Apparently the baby started making movements this week. Go baby! Can't wait until I know you're there!!!
Cravings: Grapefruit. Bagels & Cream Cheese. Warm peanut butter cookies with vanilla ice cream. Hell's Kitchen peanut butter on toast.
Labor Signs: This question is dumb.
Belly Button in or out: Ditto for now.
What I miss: Energy. Working out. Sleeping on my stomach.
What I am looking forward to: Hearing the baby's heartbeat I hope I hope I hope!!!
Milestones: First doctor's appointment was this week - it took forever. Glad to have it out of the way though. Once a month until week 30! I thought I was being so smart and had written down all my questions for my first appointment, and I forgot the whole notebook.

7 Weeks

2009-10-24T05:56:00.000-07:00

So yesterday was actually 7 weeks, but we were travelling all day to St Louis for a wedding. I'm writing this right now in one of those hotel business centers hoping that people don't come in and read everything over my shoulder. I've had a lot more nausea/gaggy/pukey feelings this week, and a lot more nerves. I start to freak out when I'm not nauseous, and then 5 minutes later I'm scoping out trash cans and calculating how much time it would take me to get over there and how embarassing it would be if I did. I have not actually puked yet...and I hope not to at all! This trip is kind of hard, my brother and his girlfriend Liv know I'm pregnant, but nobody else does. So I can't drink and I'm exhausted and a little moody and it only makes sense to some of the people around me. This week my baby is the size of a blueberry! And has little paddles for hands and feet!!! How freaking cute is that?! I waver between knowing everything is going to be fine, and oh my god everything is not fine...why don't they sell home ultrasound equipment?!?! Also, I have watched entirely too many "Baby Story" type shows on TLC - because how cute are those floppy soft little babies - but oh my god that baby is going to come out of my vagina. Seriously.

And on that note, on with the weekly update!

How far along: 7 weeks 1 day

Total weight gain/loss: 2 pounds lost! Take that Italy! Remove me from the influence of gelato and the weight just melts off. Has nothing to do with the fact that cookies induce nausea now.

Maternity clothes: Nope nope nope. I'm getting a little bloated belly though. Not too worried about it yet.

Stretch Marks: Not yet.

Sleep: Am Exhausted. I'm considering telling work early after my appointment next week confirming everything is fine. I just don't have the energy...for anything. I want to sleep all the time, and Chris is being awesome. He's totally taking care of me...because I come home from work, plop myself on the couch, and basically don't move.

Best moment last week: Hmmmm...actually making it out of the house for a run/walk around the lake with my puppy. I'm not supposed to get out of breath so we're scaling back our workouts, but I was so proud of myself for making it out of the house. GO ME!

Movement: Does gas count?

Cravings: Grapefruit. I love you grapefruit.

Labor Signs: Nothing yet, and we're keeping it that way!

Belly Button in or out: In.

What I miss: Still with the pooping. Hopefully all this fruit I'm craving will work it's magic.

What I am looking forward to: Hearing the baby's heartbeat next week. I will hopefully have an u/s next Thursday!!!

Milestones: This little peanut has an appendix now - an utterly useless organ, but there it is!

6 Weeks

2009-10-16T07:38:00.000-07:00

So I'm not posting these, just saving them. I want to document this pregnancy week by week, but if The Worst were to happen, I don't want to have to explain it to everyone! So yes, I'm PREGNANT!! Baby was conceived on September 18th, 2009 and it's estimated due date is June 11th, 2010. It was a total surprise. I found out the day before we left for Italy, so this kid already has impeccable timing (no wine or unpasteurized cheese for me!). I didn't mind one bit though. We have been trying for a baby for 13 months. I was about to start fertility treatments because of some conditions that I have, when we unexpectedly conceived naturally! This baby is very wanted, it's our little miracle baby. I keep telling it that it has to stick in there, because there's no other baby competition out there in my family and this kid is going to be spoiled rotten. I found this update thing to keep track of your pregnancy week by week and I think it looks like fun. If it's TMI for you, then don't read it!

How far along: 6 weeks
Total weight gain/loss: Truthfully, I don't know. I've been scared to weigh myself after getting back from vacation. I have never eaten so much pizza in my life and I'm sure it's done a number to my numbers already.
Maternity clothes: Not even close. Although I noticed it's a little uncomfortable when I wear tight pants. Baby needs its room!
Stretch Marks: None to speak of, I'm expecting a lot :(
Sleep: Lots of naps. Not only am I recovering from jet lag, but I'm creating life and all. I feel tired almost all the time! I did have a little trouble staying asleep last night, but logged 9 hours total after falling back asleep.
Best moment last week: Telling my parents and brother! I have never seen my mom so excited, it was one of the best moments of my life.
Movement: Nada. There's a whole lot of zinging little feelings going on down there though!
Cravings: Hmmm...in Italy I wanted Gelato all the time, but food is starting to get kind of weird. Not sure if I'm coming down with something or if I'm going to end up with morning sickness. I'm hoping it's all in my head?
Labor Signs: Dear god no, we are hoping for another 34 weeks here!
Belly Button in or out: In.
What I miss: I missed out on drinking wine in Italy, and caprese salad. Oh, and pooping. I miss pooping.
What I am looking forward to: Getting to 12-14 weeks so I can tell people and feel like this is really going to happen!
Milestones: My baby's got a heartbeat! (Haven't heard it yet, but that's what all the literature says!)

Never judge a book by it's cover

2009-09-25T09:41:00.001-07:00

Let's get that last post off of the top.

I included a ticker on the sidebar of my blog with my goodreads read book updates. I love to read. I literally (HA!) adore reading. My nightstand always has a pile of books that are either being read or next in line. One of my favorite things to do is to get lost in a book, which if you ask my husband I frequently do! When I'm reading, everything else is gone, I am in the book, and the world could fall down around me and I wouldn't notice. I've had (allegedly) entire conversations...conversations where I was told I respond "uh-huh," "nope," "yep"....that I don't even remember with my husband. If he really wanted to take advantage, he could probably get me to agree to anything. And you wonder where that 1950 Ford came from ;o) When I read a really good book I can get so into it that I may start thinking in the accent of the story, I'll even find myself coming close to talking in that accent, and sometimes my mood is even effected by whatever I'm reading. That wouldn't be such a big deal if I didn't love to read so many sad books. What's a story without a little drama though?!

My earliest impression of books was when my father took me to a library in downtown St Paul. I'm not sure how old I was, but it must have been around kindergarten or first grade because I think I knew how to read. The library was spacious, enormous, and completely glorious! Marble pillars soared above my head (not exactly a huge feat, I was on the small side as a kid), marble floors shone before me. There were shelves three times as high as me, filled with more books than I could ever explore in a lifetime. A bittersweet feeling, that, knowing that there are more stories than you could ever lay your hands on, that you could never have enough time to discover what's inside each one, but at the same time feeling so safe in the fact that you will never be bored, never be done learning. And the children's section! There were stuffed animals to recline on and people telling stories, and shelves and shelves of colorful books at just my height. I was overwhelmed. I couldn't believe that something that beautiful, that special, was there specifically to house books. Those simple, unassuming, rectangular packages. There's something reverential, and rather church-like about libraries. That quiet hush, the shuffling and rustling of the pages. There's something magic in books.

Isn't it funny what everyday things may shape your life as a child?

Ire

2009-09-19T06:47:00.000-07:00

This post may have no purpose and will probably not make sense to many. I need to vent and since I opened up this thing to everyone, it's not going to be very specific.

I woke up angry. Pissed actually. I have been so angry lately, I've had so much of it that I don't know what to do with it. I find myself wanting to punch things, to break dishes, to slam doors, to scream. This isn't like me, I'm not an angry person. Sad I have experienced, and have come to expect occasionally....I'm not sure when I became so angry. The anger sneaks up on me, it's not something I'm used to dealing with.....but I know it's situational. I know that I have never been good at accepting, at not having control over everything. Right now I have big, huge, overwhelming THINGS that are out of my control. Things that I have to accept. Things that I can't accept.

I know I'll get there. Everything resolves itself in time, whether good or bad. Life will keep moving, time will continue to pass, and someday I'll be able to look back and wonder why I worried about everything so much, or what was there to get so upset about after all. Knowing that doesn't make it an easier right now, because time heals all wounds and I'm still feeling burnt. It's this limbo, this process, this not knowing what the outcome is, that is the hardest part. Once you're through the gauntlet all you have to do is catch your breath....right?

This is supposed to be a happy blog, a blog about good stuff, about my life. There are big parts of my life lately that I don't feel comfortable writing about here, so it's hard to update this. I'll get back to the animals and vacation and funny people later. I'm wallowing right now, and I'm just going to stew for a while.

Labor Day Blues

2009-09-07T11:23:00.000-07:00

Haven't had much time to update lately. This year is moving so very fast, the rhodedendrons have already begun turning red and it's dark earlier than it feels like it should be. So it goes....

Chris and I went to the fair last weekend. It was incredibly busy, as always, but we were able to stuff ourselves silly regardless. I had deep fried pickles (my favorite), stuffed olives on a stick, cinnamon roasted almonds, fresh squeezed lemonade, a nutella crepe, french fries and ice cream made with local Minnesota wine. Chris had his first pronto pup! All the art and animals and people were fun to look at. I love the fair!

Work has slowed down some. I had the shortest week I've had in a while. I'm counting down to my vacation - it's coming up in less than a month. When we started planning it, October seemed so far away. It's the same as most things I guess. I'm a mixture of excitement and nervousness. Having never left the country before, I feel like I'm leaving behind a safety net. I'm so excited to see something fresh and new though!

Chris went to his first car show with his car this weekend. It was a gorgeous day, and there were a lot of really neat old cars there. Chris' car was definitely not in the worst shape, which felt really good. Some people even came by and took pictures of the work he's done. It was fun to see everyone dressed up in their 50's style outfits too!

My broken promise

2009-08-23T06:04:00.000-07:00

So, no pictures from the party! I'm sorry - but I'll just leave you with it was so good there was no time to take pictures. Yup, that good. We had quite a few people show up and we had beautiful (but a little on the cool side) weather. I was so glad it didn't rain, but oddly enough we did run out of toilet paper. All my worst fears have been realized!

Otherwise Chris and I have been busy with work and planning for our vacation. Work has still been crazy, but should be a little better in the beginning of September. This is the first weekend I have been off in a while. For vacation planning, Chris bought a travel backpack and I'm looking into one. I was going to borrow one but I found one online for about $80 that got really good reviews. I should start thinking in euros soon!!! We also got a garmin that came preloaded with maps of the US and Europe. This way we can't get lost....because you see, my worry is that since we can't really understand the language, nobody could give us directions anyways. Even if I do know how to ask for them! We've been listening to "Italian for Dummies". I always find it strange that the For Dummies series are so popular. There must be a lot of people out there with low self esteem. I can't believe we're going in 6 weeks. It's going to be awesome.

As always, the only other thing we've been doing is dealing with our animals medical issues. Daly developed hot spots again this year. Hot spots are areas of irritated skin, Daly usually gets them on his face. They are itchy and on him develop into huge pussy scabs. Pleasant, right?! When Daly gets hot spots we don't have to bring him to the vet (anymore, apparently they consider us experts now), but we get to shave his face, apply an antibacterial rinse, and then try to prevent him from scratching. It always starts with us feeling really bad for putting the giant e-collar on him. This time, our sympathy resulted in us coming home to blood-splattered walls because Daly had been itching at his cheeks so badly. So now the e-collar has been a constant friend, and in the way of everyone. Daly takes up even more room with the thing on, and doesn't realize that he won't fit where he used to. It's endearing, if you find scratched walls and knocked over cups near to your heart. Poor dude.

Oh the drama

The eras are ending fast people

2009-07-30T09:36:00.001-07:00

A short recap of this week and upcoming events!

I worked, oh how I worked. I've been working 60 hour weeks for the last two weeks. It hurts. Working this much apparently makes me very irritable. That Chris is still talking to me is a miracle. Work doesn't really look like it's going to let up either. It could be a long year. Good thing I have a 2 week vacation to look forward to in October! It's my little carrot on the end of the stick.

I biked into work twice this week! Twice seems to be about my limit, although I'm pretty sure that I biked in 3 times one week last year. Biking in every day is nearly impossible with meetings and rain. When I biked in on Tuesday, I was almost mauled by some wild turkeys. True story. The turkeys were crossing the road (is there a joke in there somewhere?), all the traffic had stopped and they were headed straight towards me. Turkeys are tall and ugly, so I admit I was a little scared they would peck my knees or something (at least I think they peck, I may have seen some fangs, maybe it's more like gnashing). I did some fancy maneuvering on my bike to avoid getting my blood sucked out by the turkeys and traffic was able to move again. One of the coolest things about living in Minneapolis is all the wildlife. Seriously, I live in a fairly large city and if you go to the right spots you can see deer, fox, turkeys, skunks, raccoons, and all kinds of little furry things. I think it's pretty neat that they're somewhat able to coexist.

I started going to yoga again, and I'm going to make it a habit. When I work too much I get overwhelmed and just have to do something for myself. Usually the things that run through my head that I NEED since I'm stressed are shopping, massages, or any sort of organized work out class, like yoga, spinning, or kickboxing. All of those things feel like a treat to me, and if I'm going to work a lot I need to feel like I'm getting something out of it.

It was Chris' birthday Wednesday, happy 29th baby! I love that you finally catch up with me every year, here's to the year before 30! We went out to a local bar and grill to play what's known as BARGO. Like bingo, but with an AR, so it's like pirate bingo. But not really pirate-like at all. Although there may have been a guy there with a wooden leg, I guess I wouldn't know. Chris won a round (seriously, it's kind of a big deal, not many people win) and got $10 off dinner, which in addition to his free dinner since it was his birthday made Chris an incredibly cheap date.

So what are we doing this weekend? Anyone who knows me well knows that I have a wee bit of social anxiety, especially when I'm in a group of more than 2-4 people (and maybe even if you don't know me very well actually, I have no idea how obvious I am. I often worry I come across as rude or snotty, but I'm actually just afraid to open my mouth. Worrying about how I come across then completes the anxiety spiral). We're having a party! With 10 times more than 2-4 people! As you may imagine, this is causing me to worry incessantly about things like:

What if nobody shows up?

What if many people show up?

What if people show up and have absolutely nothing to say to each other and we sit there in a circle of awkward silence?

What will our separate groups of friends think of each other/say to each other/talk about? And related to that, why do we have so many separate groups of friends? This is totally a larger problem that I can analyze to death.

What should I wear?

Where will we sit if it rains?

Why haven't we finished the base board in the dining room (coughChriscough)?

We do this every year though, and it always turns out fine, with me only having slight panic attacks about the lack of pictures on the walls and incessantly checking whether we have enough toilet paper.

I hope to remember to post some pictures!

Last bit of information - one of my favorite restaurants in Uptown, Golooney's, closed. It's the end of an era and I am in mourning. I didn't even know they were going to close so I couldn't go for one last Veggie Verrazano sandwich. They were so freaking good. I'll miss you sandwich.

My pictures are worth what?

2009-07-23T17:09:00.000-07:00

I was reading back over my entries and realized that almost every time I included a picture in a post it was fuzzy or taken with my cell phone. I have some friends who are AMAZING photographers. I, however, am not an amazing photographer (this blog illustrates that perfectly).

Illustrates. Pictures. Get it?

Anyways. I can and have taken some decent pictures. I have a decent camera (although a decent camera does not a decent photographer make). Here are some of my favorites. With stories

So this picture I didn't even take. But it's one of my favorite shots right after we got the new camera, and my eyes look so blue! 10 points if you can spot the dog!

Ah, the dock at our cabin...at one of the many many amazingly serene and beautiful mornings on the lake. I don't know the date, the time, or even the year, but I like to think of this when I think of the cabin. That it's always there, waiting for me.

And here we have Chris' car.. He bought it last fall. It's a 1950 Ford Shoebox and it is a miracle that I know that much. It's a beautiful car though and it even runs now. One day I will get to ride in it. Up until now I've got to push it places. It's all fun though!

Daly's first day at the cabin. Oh my god, the cabin. I caught him mid-action when I asked him to come and sit and I took a picture. If you can't tell, Daly LOVES the cabin.

This pretty picture was taken on a walk during fall of 2008 along the Mississippi in St Paul. I think the building is some sort of granary, it has a lot of conveyer belts coming out of a boat landing.

If you haven't had enough of him yet, this is Daly. Young and old. He sticks his tongue out at you. What a handsome boy. Lord help us when we have children.
Chris and I went up to Bluefin Bay on Lake Superior 2 years ago. We were going up there to snowboard but it had been so warm and there was no snow. We were able to go out and take a few walks. This picture is of Lake Superior. I loved the way the ice clinked together, it was such a beautiful, soft, constant clattering.
This picture I absolutely love. I have it hanging up at work. It's Daly to a 'T'. Bonus points for spotting the cat.

This was fun...I'll do it again sometime.

I wish I had my camera!

2009-07-10T11:56:00.001-07:00

There was the strangest casheir at Walgreen's this morning. When I got up there she was trying to get me to take an empty Swisher Sweet cigar box because she thought I could make it into a purse. After convincing her that no, I did not want a cigar box purse, and no, I was not crafty enough to do something like that she started ringing me up. This was a lady in her 40's to 50's who you could tell had done her share of smoking and drinking and generally enjoying life too much. She was someone you could see in a bar in the country - bleach blond with the roots growing out and too skinny and too wrinkly for how young she was. The funniest part?

Her nametag.

"Cougar"

Travel Edition

2009-07-06T17:57:00.000-07:00

Chris and I recently returned from Florida and Mickey and Disney and MAGIC, PEOPLE! Everything Disney apparently shrunk since I went there 16 years ago. Don't you hate that feeling. Oh, and it was hot. Like toss me in an oven hot. I spent most of our first day there running from shade spot to shade spot and sweating. And then we went to the water park, which was the only place I wasn't hot and I got a sunburn. Ouch.

Contrary to what that last paragraph sounded like, I really did have a good time. We were there with Chris' family and I got to hang out with them, which is a rarity, and hang out with my nephews. I would totally go back, but in the winter next time. We stayed at the nicest, most amazing hotel I have ever stayed at. The rooms were spacious and comfortable and the pool had a waterfall and nightly swim-in movies. I have to thank Chris' mom for taking us on this trip! Did you know Winnie the Pooh and Tigger were Disney? I had no idea. Disney has the monopoly on childrens everything.

Oh, and by the way, we're going to freaking Italy people! That's right, Italy. With the food and the wine and the amore. Yes, that Italy. We will be there in T-3 months and counting. I'm nervous about the plane ride because I have a wee bit of anxiety sometimes (ahem.), but I am so excited to see the colliseum and Caesar's (old) grave, and Florence and Venice and ride in a canal and eat a boatload of pizza. I can't wait.

We also just got back from the cabin over the 4th of July weekend. It is a sad fact that I haven't been to the cabin this year since we put in the dock back in May or June or whenever. If I would've blogged about it maybe I would remember. Let this be a lesson to me to keep this thing updated. I digress. It was great to hang out with my extended family and go tree hunting with my dad. We did find a tree, but many people and trees were almost injured in the process.

Maybe I stink?

We came back from the cabin and the dog and I promptly got sick. Me - some sort of cold/throat thing, which is awful because I haven't worked out for 2 weeks prior to this, and now that I finally feel up to working out, I'm not up to working out. I keep telling myself my body knows what's best, but I wish it would hurry up with itself. Daly - puking/pooping/refusing to eat. Which is typical of Daly when he's had too much fun....or when my grandma feeds him too many table scraps!

Just this side of nothing

2009-04-22T15:35:00.000-07:00

I started this post on Earth Day...I'm finishing it in June. I've been just a little busy, although I think it's funny that every time people ask me what I've been up to all I can come up with is oh, nothing. So here is my nothing.

Ignore the fuzzy thing at the bottom of the picture. I was simply too lazy to crop it out. It's a miracle I'm even updating this blog really.

Something for the spirit of Earth Day! Chris and I went out and bought ourselves a rain barrel. Chris headed up this effort almost all by himself, and I was thoroughly impressed. Our adventure started by driving in circles around a port-a-potty graveyard looking for a lady from craigslist who said she had wine barrels. Silly us, we had been looking for an office of some sort but she was stationed out of a giant cage. We got to pick out our own wine barrel from about 80 of them, and you can't imagine the smell! It was a little much. We picked a Cabernet Sauvignon from some region in France, which happens to be my favorite wine, but really it was the best barrel there. We drove home praying not to get pulled over while smelling like a winery....and Chris set it up after only one trip to Home Depot (and that was an earth day miracle people). It rained the next day, and not very much, and the barrel was half full! Then it rained for real and we got to see the overflow spout work. It was very dry for about 2 months, and we watered all of our plants with this, and still didn't run out (it's a 55 gallon barrel). For about the first month though all of the water that came out was slightly red and smelled like cabernet, which may be a marketing ploy because I find myself craving red wine. Or else Jesus is in our barrel. I figure we will have the best tomatoes ever because they've been watered by wine. I'll let you know in a month or two.

Fashion Cents

2009-04-06T09:21:00.000-07:00

I splurged and bought a new dress. I have nowhere to wear this dress and no need of it, but I saw it and I love it and it is just so freaking cute!

So that is me, just out of the shower, trying to figure out what goes with the dress (definitely the green towel). We went out to dinner Friday and I wore it with jeans, but I would really love some boots. The dress is fun and kind of 60's and needs tall boots. But I (and by "I" I mean my right big toe) found a hole in my only pair of black work flats this morning. Those need to be replaced stat because I am so done with heels. I'm all about COMFORT. Except when it comes to that dress and I would suffer in whatever looks good. Any advice? I really don't know what to wear with it, which is probably why it's been sitting in my closet for 3 months before I just did the jeans thing.

You're probably wondering why I'm in a cheerleader stance. That's because we do not own a full length mirror in our house so I am straddling the bathroom sink with one foot on the toilet and one foot on the tub and OH MY GOD DON'T FALL. Which is a serious concern because have you seen my bruises from falling down a staircase? Um yea....I've been so very coordinated lately and have fallen many, many times. Everything hurts. So it's a good thing I wore jeans with the dress because the bruises and the bumps and the oh yea(shhhh..) unshaved legs.

Oh yea, dinner! We ate at the Craftsman on Lake Street. It was good. For the appetizer we had the cheese plate (always a good thing). Chris had a steak and I had the gnocchi - which was amazing. I've never had homemade gnocchi before, and this was the best gnocchi ever. I wish I could cook like that. But we probably won't be going back there often because HOLY EXPENSIVE. And we didn't even get dessert.

Mi Casa

2009-03-29T06:19:00.000-07:00

I was kind of depressed about money this week. We talked to someone about refinancing and decided not to do it, mostly because not much, if any, equity has built into our house. We're not totally sure about that because of all the updates we've done, but we'd have to spend some money to save the money and it probably just isn't worth the risk (or do I mean heartbreak?) of having it appraised. So anyways.....

I walked out the door to get my paper this morning and realized that I had been taking it for granted lately that it would still be there. Over the last four years living in our house my paper has always been on the front stoop on Sunday mornings. A little thing, but it wasn't always this way.

Chris and I lived in apartments for a little over four years before moving into our house. We started getting the Sunday paper not long after we moved out of our parent's houses but getting the paper (or anything, really) delivered to an apartment was kind of like an easter egg hunt. Deliveries, and the papers, were always left in the communal area that was also unlocked to the public so whoever got there first got the best stuff. I'm not saying this happened constantly, normally our paper would be there. I'm an early riser, so that definitely helped. But there were many mornings when the paper just wouldn't be there. So we'd have to call the Star Tribune and they would come out and bring us one personally before noon. They never complained, even though I'm sure they delivered that first paper. I think one of my favorite mornings was when someone had taken my paper but left the bill for it on the top of my mailbox (our paper bill comes with our paper). Thoughtful! Oh, and the time Chris went down and found a drunk using our paper as his pillow....we decided to pass on the paper that day.

I think I wanted to write this because of all the press about declining home values and maybe it's not the investment it used to be. Truthfully, I don't believe that home values will decline forever. Everything will reach balance again, it has to (nature abhors a vacuum, right?). I really do hate doomsayers. But what I'm really trying to say is that owning a home is, well, priceless. To us anyways. It's about the afternoons in our backyard on OUR deck grilling out, or being able to paint (and paint and paint again) our walls any color we damn well want. It's about having a garage and not worrying about our cars being towed for the apartments own snow emergency in the morning. It's about not hearing the people in the apartment above you express their love....or their hate. It's also about personal responsibility. The shoveling, the mowing, the upkeep of EVERYTHING, the remodeling, the bills, and of course the savings account that is there just in case something goes wrong with the house. But it's on our terms, and it's our space. It means something to us and we've made it ours.

I love our house and I love our neighbors. It may not be a perfect house, it's small, it needs another main floor bedroom, we'd love a two car garage, and of course it has it's cracks and quirks, but with anything one loves, those things don't become it's defining qualities, they become part of it's character, or at worse, part of the background noise. But I'm happy here and I have no regrets.

Our backyard in the early spring

In FURther news, a race, and some balls.

2009-03-24T16:43:00.000-07:00

Gah! I'm so domestic, all I want to write about is my animals.

Traxx is still gaining weight, way calmer, and seems to be doing well.

Daly got his stitches out the other day and is now allowed on two or three 5-10 minute walks a day. Somehow he still manages to poop when I've forgotten a bag. I mean, really, how do I pick the 5 minutes that he needs to poop to take him for a walk. Thanks dog, way to make me look like a bad neighbor.

Now that that's out of my system.....

I ran in the St Patrick's Day Human Race on Sunday, which coincidentally, is not on St Patrick's Day and I'm really not sure what it has to do with humans other than they run in it.....but it was fun! I got a t-shirt with a leprachaun on it, which is really what's important. Kelly and Andrew ran it with me and it was so nice to run with them. I enjoy running with someone, it's motivating, and I haven't really found anyone who can deal with my crazy schedule and location since Kathryn and I stopped running together. I can tell I haven't been running much, I ran it in 31 minutes and it actually felt hard. I've run 25 minute 5Ks before! Afterwards Kelly and I talked about running together more often, and Kathryn is going to start coming over on Fridays to run with me. I'm excited for this summer to start!

This past Saturday Chris and I went and played tennis. It was seriously awesome. We both hit some pretty crazy shots and there were a couple little puddles on the court for added interest, but Chris is a natural at serving - what a lucky guy! I really hope we play a lot more this summer. It will give us something fun to do!

And now a depressed puppy picture. He's just like a little ostrich!

"Please stop poking at me"

A single breath

2009-03-12T15:15:00.000-07:00

As I sit here Daly is laying down on his bed next to me, totally passed out. It's been a rough few days for everyone, and I'm glad they're over.

We went into this surgery mess thinking that there was a good chance the diagnosis was tendinitis, and that they would easily be able to go in, cut the tendon, recover, and be done with it. It did not work out that way at all. When they got into his joint, it was bloody and they discovered a torn capsule or something, but the tendon looked just fine, which is actually bad, because now they know NOTHING. I guess this torn capsule couldn't be the original problem because of ugh, am I ever getting sick of this story.

Oh. the. frustration.

Anyways, he is on bedrest for 6 weeks. No stairs, no walks, no jumping, no nothing. Oh, and he can't gain weight, because that is bad. Right. Meet Daly, my wiggly hungry dog. After those 6 weeks, it's another 6 weeks of leash walks only. Sorry Daly, spring will mean NO FUN FOR YOU. My poor, shaved, broken puppy.

A long week

2009-02-28T05:22:00.000-08:00

This week has been so busy! I worked a ton to get a project done by Friday only to find out on Thursday we were going to be given a two week extension. Which is awesome, because Thursday night would've really sucked. Unfortunately I'm sick now. I woke up yesterday morning feeling like someone had scraped my sinus cavity with a spoon and that feeling has not gone away yet. Your body has ways of telling you to slow down.

The worst thing about working that much is the parts of your life that fall to the wayside. Like working out, and eating right. All you can do is get through a day of work, eat, and hopefully get enough sleep. My brain was just fried at the end of each day. One night I came home and tried to hang up my coat in the bathroom. Thursday afternoon I walked into the mens bathroom. Thank god nobody was in there, because the urinal is right next to the door. Being a girl, you never think about how little privacy men have when they're going to the bathroom. Although standing up to pee would be awesome sometimes (which we can now do thanks to "Go Girl") I'm glad I at least get a wall between me and the next girl.

In cat news, Traxx continues to gain weight from his drugs. He looks really good now, although we have definitely noticed a personality change. He's a lot calmer abd he sleeps a lot more. Enough more that he's been allowed to sleep in our bed this week and he hasn't bothered us at all! In general he's just a lot more cat-like. I miss my crazy cat sometimes, but he's healthier, and that is what's important.

"The Drug Den"

I've been asked for some more controversial topics. The car company bailouts? Truthfully I don't know the answer to that question. I do know, from personal experience, that the car company's treat their employees amazingly well. Perhaps too amazingly well. When the Ford Plant announced their shut down here, Chris was able to walk away with a full ride to school for 2 years (he could've had 4 if he had so chosen), along with benefits and 70% of his salary. Those two years were up this past month and Ford sent him a check for $900 because they didn't pay out as much as if he would've taken another option. Seriously, is there any other company that you can go to, with no education, and they'll take care of you like that. It's a wonderful and terrible thing all at the same time. The medical benefits we had through Ford were amazing. I had to pay for nothing, basically ever. You can see where the waste came from. And the waste wasn't only through compensation. As always, if a safety net is inplace, people will try and abuse the system. The UAW was an amazing safety net, you could almost not be fired. So there were people who took advantage of that and would freeload on Ford. I think the same thing happens in government. I think it's sad that these jobs will most likely not be available anymore with the same benefits. It's a great thing, and with almost all companys moving to 401K's versus pensions, the burden of retirement and taking care of yourself will fall solely on the employee. Considering what the stock market did to my 401K last month, I'm not sure this is the greatest thing. But we're competing in a global economy and we have to adjust to global markets in order to be competitive, there's really not much choice. Unfortunately I think that the auto bailouts will need to come with a huge restructuring of the auto industry. The elimination of waste and more maintainable salarys and benefits in order to compete globally.

So that's all folks. From mens bathrooms to drugged up cats to my view on world economics. I'm off to enjoy the weekend.

Tittilating Tuesday

2009-02-17T09:44:00.000-08:00

"Keep Off

Dangerous
Ice Not Safe"

Folks, we have a mixed messages problem here. Don't plow the ice, set up a warming shack and then face the sign the wrong way. Ah, bureacracy, how I love you.

All the love in the world

2009-02-17T08:58:00.001-08:00

Although I think valentine's day is a rather silly holiday, I like an excuse to go out. We've gotten all old and static so we need an excuse to not fall asleep on the couch at 9:30 on a Saturday night. We went to Spoonriver, near the Guthrie. It was full of pretentious ex-raver waiters who were not interested in waiting at all. The menu promised an aphrodisiac, which I didn't receive (sorry Chris, the waiter hates you and doesn't want you to make babies). During dinner we kept watching the other servers walk by with the dessert tray. I love the dessert tray, it's so much easier to pick a real dessert than an idea of a dessert! But alas, the server left the dessert tray sitting on the counter, unused while he told us which desserts were available. So we left without dessert, deciding we could go to Sebastian Joe's ice cream and relive our wild and crazy youth. (Ice cream in the winter you say? Why, yes, we are rebels!).

Before we left downtown we stopped in the Guthrie:

Oooohhh, look, fuzzy cell phone pictures. This blog is CLASSY!

We went and ate our ice cream, sharing our flavors with each other, and trying to ignore the woman sobbing in the corner (Valentine's day snub??).

We made our way over to Mortimer's, our old hangout. Seriously, that is our "Cheers" bar, where everyone knew our name (and for a time, knew us by our drinks....hello gin and tonic girl!). They've forgotten us by now, but the same dirt, popcorn, and darts were still there. Chris really knows how to wine and dine a girl (but it's more like beer and popcorn a girl). I really do love that man.

Next year we're going to do the "tour de uptown" and go to Khindo's for dinner as well. Turns out we're not fancy at all.

Daily Daly

2009-02-11T15:54:00.000-08:00

So it's only been about a month, and I think all of my posts contain animal drama. Yes I live in a menagerie/zoo but ilovethefurrylittlethingskthanx!

Daly went to the vet today, and not just any vet, he gets the University of MN veterinary medical specialists. Where University specialists = empty pocketbook. So yea, Chris, about that new tv? Totally not happening.

The poor guy has a front leg limp that's been getting worse and worse over the past month or two. He's always ready to go, but this limp is just breaking my heart. Many dollars later, we've narrowed it down to 2 tendons. They need to cut one of them, and choose the right tendon, or else he's going to have some major trouble. So we spend today testing, trying to figure out which one it is...which, surprise! We still don't know. There will be results tomorrow and will hopefully give us something more conclusive. Either way it's more money and more time at the vet.The funniest thing was that they had to drug him and miscalculated the dose. This dog is feeling no pain....poor guy can't even move his back end. It's pretty pathetic to see a puppy like that!! Right now he's sleeping it off.

What I found on my walk

2009-02-07T12:48:00.000-08:00

I went on a walk with Daly today around Lake Calhoun. On my way I saw one of those advertising cars with http://www.go-girl.com/ plastered all over it. There slogan is "Don't take life sitting down". So curiosity got the best of me, but I figured it's some sort of active girl thing.

Active, pshaw - Boy was I right.

Check it out, girls. You can now stand and pee - and save your pee to dispose of later if you'd like!! Free to Pee!! Ohmygod I just died giggling. I have the sense of humor of a 13 year old boy.

The Dodged Bullet

2009-02-07T05:28:00.000-08:00

There were layoffs at my work this week. Seven people out of 70 at my office are now looking for work. Have you seen the paper? First the jobs section shrunk to 2 whole sheets, and then they increased the font. It's never good when they increase the font. Oh, and the newspaper is bankrupt and has been calling me twice a week to try and get me to sign up for more newspaper. With bigger font.

It's hard though, to see your friends get laid off. It's hard because you're happy that you have a job and don't know why it's you and not them. It's hard because you know they have houses, and bills, and all the things you were worried about when they told you there were going to be layoffs that they will have to take care of and it's fricking scary to think about that. How quickly your money could run out. I found myself saying, "If there's anything I can do to help...." like somebody died and you know there's nothing you can do to make it better, but you say it. So I've been calling and emailing people I know, looking for jobs for these guys. I hope it helps.

And through all of it I can't help but be a little selfish. What does this mean for my work going ahead? Am I going to have to work that much harder to keep up? Did they lay people off to simply save on a salary and have others fill in that void and work harder? It's confusing because we are BUSY. What if I feel I already work hard enough? I think I just have to let the dust settle and give it a couple of months.

It's been a slut of a week. I'm glad it's over. The weather is starting to warm and the days are getting longer. I hope spring is the new beginning it's said to be.

There must have been a full moon last week....

2009-02-02T09:16:00.000-08:00

Chris called Tuesday morning and said there was something wrong with the cats butt, in that it looked like a monkey butt. So I ran my anxious, high strung cat to the vet to get checked out. Traxx just loooovvves the vet. They actually have a note on his account about how crazy he is. So, yum, anal gland issues (which the vet proceeds to tell me what it looked like when they squeezed it out). Vet says cat lost 3 pounds within a year. HOLY TWIGGY CAT! That herion-chic look was soo 1990's, so we decided to try and find out what was wrong. The cat has hyperthyroid (ism?). So we're fixing him by rubbing cream on his ears, which comes in syringes that make our house look like a drug den. He hates this too, but we are so excited to have a fat, lazy cat.

Then I pick up Daly from daycare. I'm informed he was limping and they gave him time-outs. I got a little snippy and told them to put that in his chart, cuz the boy has arthritis and he's going to limp a little, sheesh. So then she pulls me aside and tells me that in the time out he pooped on the floor. Really? My dog? The dog who never had an accident inside the house even when he was a puppy? So disappointed.

This is the closest they'll ever get to each other.

Not to mention I filled every minute of my time with something over the last week. Except for yesterday, I read a book. It was nice.

Getting your V-card

2009-01-25T12:25:00.000-08:00

Cashier: So are these soy sausauges only for vegetarians?
Me: Yes, yes they are.

Staying Warm

2009-01-25T06:59:00.000-08:00

The cat is doing better. We left him out for 4 hours yesterday while we were home and he just slept next to us on the couch while we ate cheese. Yummy glorious cheese, hummus and olives. Drool.

Oh yea, piss cat: This morning he did not as well. He spent a lot of time crying at the walls when I let him out, so now I'm letting him cry in the basement. That little guy has a lot of stamina.

It's cold out this weekend - highs around zero. Although we did take a walk with our smokin' puppy.

"Wants to be cool like all the other dogs"

He could care less that he's walking on snow and it's -10. I couldn't take my hands out of my gloves for more than 2 pictures. We are definitely different animals.

We went to Circuit City and World Market yesterday to see if we could get any good deals. They're closing and I am so, so sad to see World Market go. Obviously I didn't love it that much though because I never even bought their antiqued furniture or imported chocolate. But the deals really weren't that good yet at either of them. 10% off anything worth buying- they've had sales better than that.

In other news, the floors still look AMAZING. Here are pictures. The best part? Sock skating! Oh how I miss pajamas with feet.

So it begins

2009-01-20T09:34:00.000-08:00

I promised myself I would start keeping track of my life through blogging. I've been following strangers blogs obsessively and thought that starting my own would give me something to look back on and possibly a way to keep in touch with people. I really do hope to keep up with it!

There are a few new things going on with me. We just had wood floors installed in our kitchen, dining room and entry. There are wood floors currently in the rest of the first floor, and we finally got them done in the rest of the house. I HATED the old carpet in the house since the day we moved in, 3 1/2 years ago so it was long overdue. Even though we had it done professionaly, it was definitely a pain in the ass. We couldn't be at our house from Wednesday until Saturday morning and when we did come home, it stunk like chemicals. Not only did it stink, but our clothes stunk too. The creepiest part? When we ran the dryer it smelled like burning. Can't be good. But they look absolutely, positively, completely amazing. I love the new floors. I will add pictures.

The cat hates the new floors. Hates. We have rocked his world and not in a good way. So far he has peed on a bunch of textiles that smell like us. At least he's not peeing on us. What a high strung little furball!

And Obama officially became President. HELL YEA! That is all.